


Before It's All Over

by StarseekerWolf



Series: Selina and Liam [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 23:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 52,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19413466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarseekerWolf/pseuds/StarseekerWolf
Summary: Selina and Liam have known each other since they were born. Their families bring them to a beachside house every summer, where they spend their time splashing throughout the water and relaxing beneath the trees. But as the years pass and things start to change, they are forced to rethink the nature of their relationship, before it's too late.





	1. In the Beginning

If you're lucky enough to have someone in your life that you are incredibly close to - whose roots in your heart are so deep they couldn't possibly be shaken, whose presence you both take for granted and heavily cherish at the same time, whose soul is as familiar to you as your own - you know how I feel when I'm around Liam.

I've known him my whole life, but of course, I don't remember the first few years. All I know is what other people have told me. Other people being me and Liam's parents.

Liam and I were born a few weeks apart. He was born on June 29, while I was born on July 14. My mom says we're summer souls, and that's why we connect in ways we don't with others.

We live quite a few states apart: he in Syracuse, New York and me in Dawsonville, Georgia. My mom and his dad are high school sweethearts turned best friends, while my dad and his mom are childhood friends themselves. We're pretty much an inner circle; our relationships are so tightly woven that it's hard to imagine anyone else being a part of the equation.

The first summer, our parents were like, "Hey, we have kids now. Maybe we should start a yearly tradition so they can grow up just as close as we did." So they did! They pooled together money and bought a beach house on the coast of North Carolina, and when they got there, Liam and I were instant playmates.

We would cry if they didn't put us in side by side cribs. We ate more food when we ate together. We shared toys and giggled about nothing. It was the dawn of a beautiful friendship, unburdened by the trials of distance.

We hit it off so well that they did it again the next year, when we somehow made our way out of the house and crawled halfway down the beach before they managed to find and catch us. Our hearts yearned for the salt spray of the ocean even then.

The third summer, we were starting to make noises and speak a few words. We yelled "No!" when they tried to separate us, so they saved themselves some sleep by putting us in the same room. We pointed at random things and exclaimed their names and laughed about it. We were three year olds in every sense, best friends before we even knew what it meant.

Others have come and gone, but Liam has always been my constant. Through drama and betrayals, fakeness and popularity contests, Liam has been my internet buddy in the months when we don't get to see each other in person.

I wish I could say we get a happy ending, but I think I've always known that wouldn't be the case. Our story is simply too good to be true.

But in order for you to understand how the end came about, you need to hear the previous chapters of our story first.


	2. Pre-K

The summer after Pre-K is the first one I actually remember.

I was small. I didn't feel like it at the time, but looking back at the pictures, I really was. It's the sort of thing where, in the moment, it seems so much different from how it actually is.

I don't remember much of the travel time, but I do remember getting there and thinking the house was pretty big. And it is - it's an expansive, modernly styled two story house near the beach, and it has a pretty gorgeous interior. That has stood out less and less to me as the years go by, but as a four year old, it was a pretty big deal.

When we got there, the Mallens had already arrived. As I went into the house, admiring the white tile, I saw Liam.

I was delighted at having someone the same age there. He was a little kid like me. We could play together and not have to spend so much time around the adults.

He seemed to have the exact same idea. We bounced in place impatiently as our parents unloaded our things into the house. As soon as we caught sight of our toy bins, we snatched them up and retreated to a corner of the room.

"I like playing with Legos," Liam stated, noisily rummaging through a bag of the said toys. "Do you?"

"I guess," I said. "I've never really played with them before."

He looked affronted at that. "That's not cool," he exclaimed. "We have to play, _right now._ "

And so, Liam introduced me to my childhood. We played with Legos for hours - our parents were amazed at how long it kept us occupied. We built a hodge-podge castle (we were too cool for instructions) and moved our little Lego people around, spinning magical and irrational tales of adventure and wonder. I don't remember any of the make believe worlds we created, but I know we had fun in the moment.

We went out to the beach that evening and frolicked around in the shallow areas. I learned that if you splash Liam, he will splash you back twice as hard, so it's best not to bother unless you're wearing a bathing suit, which I wasn't. So I had to eat dinner cold, but it was worth it, because we had fun.

Our days that summer followed a very similar routine. We were too small to really be interested in anything other than each other's company. We had no idea of the wide, wide world out there, so we stayed in our little pocket of the universe, playing with Legos and making sand castles and enjoying the sunshine.

I met my good friend Mr. Sunburn when I was four. Unfortunately, I sunburn pretty easily due to my light skin, something my mother quickly found out. She now keeps at least three bottles of sunscreen in the upstairs bathroom cabinet, just in case. But it was a miserable couple of weeks, not understanding why my skin was overly sensitive and red and flaky. I got over it eventually, like all kids do; I found something more pressing to whine about.

We didn't do anything exceptional. We just _did_ , a sort of existence that only innocence can permit. We have since then lost that innocence, but I'd like to think we're still the most carefree people out there.

Liam and I were thick as thieves. We played hide and seek with our parents against their will, smeared paint all over the walls, refused to eat our vegetables, and generally caused beautiful chaos. It was fantastic to have a partner in crime for the first time ever.

It's nice to remember the time when we were fascinated by the glimmer of recently washed up seashells, when we got lost in our Lego castles, when getting away from the dinner table to watch TV was the greatest of our concerns.

But, of course, that didn't last.


	3. Kindergarten

Kindergarten was a good year, in the way that little kids find things to be good. I met my second best friend (after Liam, of course), Amelia, who was into hot pink girly things and frilly dresses - a stark contrast to my nature loving, outdoorsy personality, but awesome nonetheless.

I also met my mortal enemy, Lila Vernne, who was the meanest little girl I'd ever met. She didn't share toys during play time and screamed in your face if you tried to take them back. She also told a bunch of lies to the teachers, which earned her the notorious title of "Tattler."

Most importantly, though, my mom taught me how to write letters to Liam.

She thought I was too young to have a phone (reasonable), but she did want to encourage us to keep in contact, so she gave me a stack of paper and some sharpened pencils and let me write to him.

My handwriting was pretty God awful back then, that I'm able to admit, but I was proud of myself. I didn't know anyone else my age who had a pen pal. Liam and I must be special.

And we were. We weren't consistent with the timing of our replies, but we always replied, eventually. His handwriting was worse than mine, and he will try to tell you otherwise, but I'm right and he knows it.

Not that our letters were sophisticated or anything. They were three to four sentences at most: quick updates or pieces of ultimately irrelevant information, always ending in a "Miss you" and our name, hastily scribbled out in some mockery of a signature.

But that made it easy for us to pick up where we left off that summer, like we hadn't been apart at all.

I vaguely remember the car ride. I slept through most of it, but I remember stopping at a gas station at one point and wondering why we'd stopped moving. Little things like that tend to stick with me.

I looked forward to seeing Liam the whole way there. In fact, I asked my parents "How much further" so many times that eventually, they just turned up the radio and stopped answering. Not that I blame them - before I learned the concept of basic human decency, I was a pro at being annoying.

We got to the house first, which felt weird. We walked into the house and all was quiet and still, undisturbed from the previous summer. My dad gave me my bags and I went to my room to start unpacking.

My room is pretty simple. It has off-white tile flooring and sea blue wallpaper. A shuttered window looks out towards the ocean. There's a single queen sized bed with a nightstand, and a desk against the wall with a comfy armchair. Over the years, I've pinned up some choice paraphernalia (which may or may not include a Shawn Mendes poster) that gives the space a more personalized touch. As a side note, me and Liam's rooms also share a bathroom.

I started setting out my stuff until I heard the door open and Liam's parents' voices sounded in the entryway.

I dashed out of the room and skidded into the living room. Liam and I locked eyes, and we both smiled.

*****

That summer is a bit blurry, but I do remember one moment that changed the course of our lives forever. Liam and I found a small crawlspace off the upstairs sitting room, accessible via a somewhat small door that's almost completely hidden behind the couch. We snuck in one evening after dinner and sat facing each other, our backs to the wall. His eyes were gleaming with excitement at this new hideaway we'd discovered, this space away from adults and the rest of the bothersome world. We would utilize it for many years to come.

"We have to promise not to tell anyone else about this," Liam murmured.

"Of course," I whispered. I didn't know why we were speaking quietly - it's not like our parents would have been able to find us. "Pinky promise?"

He nodded solemnly. He offered his fist to me with his pinky out and curled. I did the same, and we linked our littlest fingers together. A small promise, but one that meant the world to us and always would.


	4. 1st Grade

My 1st grade teacher, Ms. Ellen, was one of those teachers that isn't particularly exceptional in any way. She was nice, but not enough for me to be appreciative. She was interesting, but only in a few ways. She was a decent teacher, but not an awesome one. She was the kind of teacher that inevitably fades into the stream of teachers you've had throughout your life, one that you won't remember in fifteen years.

Amelia and I grew closer in 1st grade. One of the best things Ms. Ellen ever did was putting me and her next to each other (though she probably viewed it as a mistake, considering how chatty we were), and from there, it was an awesome year.

Amelia shared her glitter pens with me when I left my pencil at home. We had a few playdates where she showed me her stuffed animal collection and we played with dolls. I didn't find that as fun as playing Legos with Liam, but it was still a pretty good time.

I tried to expose her to the outdoors and take her for little adventures in the woods, but the first and only time we did, she got a bunch of bug bites and refused to ever do so again. I suppose that was fair, and I didn't mind spending time indoors anyway, even if I spent the majority of the time gazing out the window.

We had to actually do multiplication in 1st grade - I picked up on it pretty quickly. I wrote to Liam about it, challenging him to do some laughably simple multiplication problems. His next letter to me was him having solved the problems, and he sent back something ridiculous, like two four digit numbers. Since then, we've put math problems at the end of our letters.

Before we went to the beach house that summer, I had my mom print out some multiplication sheets to keep Liam and I entertained. She was dubious about it - you don't often hear about a kid who likes math, much less two of them - but she did it, and I tucked them neatly in a folder in my suitcase, giddy to do them.

That night, I snuck into his room through our joint bathroom and we stayed up late to finish all of the sheets, which felt like a dangerous act of rebellion at the time. We shared a triumphant high-five when we got done, proud of ourselves for working on our specialty together.

I told him about Amelia, and he told me about someone named Cooper, who he'd befriended. It was weird to hear him talk about another boy. Of course, there were boys in my classes, but I didn't talk to them. I only talked to Amelia. And since Liam belonged to a very specific section of my life - the summers - it was odd to think of him being friends with anyone else.

But I wasn't jealous, because I didn't have a claim on him. I couldn't put that into words at the time, but I knew he wasn't mine and mine alone. I was just someone lucky enough to be a part of his life, and he was lucky enough to be a part of mine.

We were lucky to know each other in general, actually. If my mom and his dad had gotten married instead, neither of us would exist. It's odd to think about - that if one simple thing had gone differently, entire possibilities would have been wiped away in the blink of an eye. Parallel universes and different versions of events and all that.

But things went the way they did, and since that's the only thing this version of me will ever know, I try not to dwell on it too much.

That summer, we spent a lot of days down by the beach, creating sand castle worlds. I cried once when the tide came in and washed our little village away, but Liam patted my back, ever the optimistic one, and told me we'd remake it even better.

"Why do you like sand castles so much?" I asked him one time. "I mean, I like them, too, but ... They break so easily."

"They're fun to make," he stated. "And if they break, you can just put them back together."

"You can't do that in real life," I pointed out.

"That's kinda the point."

I wouldn't understand that till later: the fact that he felt better having control over a world, no matter how temporary, and having the ability to rebuild it made him strong.

Because some of us are destined to become Ms. Ellens, minor characters that blend into the background of the monotonous years of a person's life until we're forgotten. But others, like Liam are determined to make their mark, and that starts with having some semblance of control over your own life.

We both developed a love for potato chips that summer, which doesn't sound like a big deal, but it became like a comfort food to us. Slouching on bean bag chairs in the living room on a Harry Potter marathon. Reading side by side beneath the shade of the nearby trees.

Of course, it was only possible because he played soccer and I had fast metabolism. Otherwise, our parents probably would've advised against it. As it is, they're both pretty relaxed about everything we do. They know we keep each other in check.

Liam and I started spending more and more time down by the seashore. We'd eat breakfast, brush our teeth, spend a little time watching TV, then make our way down to the beach.

There's nothing more gorgeous than the ocean at 7 A.M. The sky is soft with the rising sun, exploding into a magnificent display of color. Shallow waves lap gently at your ankles as you walk, the light making them gleam. The sand is cool and solid, a gentle breeze with a hint of salt spray toying with your hair. Taking a stroll down a 7 A.M. beach is like experiencing another world.

I escaped to that world with Liam for an hour or so each day, enjoying his company and the simple beauty of an early morning sunrise. He and I were both at our pudgy stages, where our last bit of baby fat was clinging to us. My mom calls it adorable. Looking back on the pictures from that time, I call it annoying.

Our birthday celebration that year was pretty awesome - since we're born so close together, we just have one party for both of us on his birthday. Our parents put together a scavenger hunt for us, and we had great fun running around the house figuring out the oversimplified clues. It ended in my bedroom, where a pristine cake sat on my bed.

But that was the "public" celebration, and because it happened on Liam's birthday, he felt bad that I was left out. So on my birthday, we went to our little crawl space and he presented me with a little bowl of shells.

"For your collection," he said with a lopsided smile. "I hope you like it." My mom helped me put them in a pretty jar, and they've been sitting on my dresser ever since. I leave them there during the regular school year, and when we return, it's a kind reminder of this life that I've built here, away from the rest of the world.

I might be a Ms. Ellen to Amelia, or quiet Alara in the back of the classroom, or mean Lila, but I'll never be a Ms. Ellen to Liam. And he'll never be a Ms. Ellen to me.


	5. 2nd Grade

2nd grade was less good. Amelia and I didn't have classes together (which of course felt like the end of the world at the time), but we at least got to play together at recess.

To fill her absence, I made friends with a girl named Dara. She could be annoying at times and she talked about things I wasn't at all interested in, but she gave me someone to spend time with.

I kind of feel bad, because I would leave her as soon as lunch time was around to look for Amelia, but things turned out fine in the end. 

We bettered our handwriting throughout 2nd grade, so my letters to Liam were a bit more legible. His stayed pretty messy, but I didn't mind. It felt like _him_ , and that was all I really cared about.

We were supposed to have a teacher named Ms. Alma (who reminded me of a character from the TV show Horseland, which I pressured Liam into watching with me). But on the first day of school, a male teacher walked through the door.

"My name is Mr. Hanover," he announced, writing it on the board. "Welcome to 2nd grade."

My classmates glanced at each other, confused. Dara and I locked eyes across the room, and though I didn't know her yet, that moment influenced me to talk to her. 

Mr. Hanover never gave an explanation, so we quietly accepted his presence and moved on with the year.

Unfortunately, he wasn't an awesome person. He yelled a lot, and he often got mad at us for little things, like not having the right answer to a question. I wrote to Liam about it and he told me he was really sorry. He wrote a joke to make me feel better, which was such a Liam thing to do that I instantly smiled. I braved Mr. Hanover for the rest of the year, and when it was over, I wrote him a letter saying, "Your joke helped me make it through. See you soon!!"

We got to the house right after Liam and his family. He was just pulling his bags out of the trunk of their car when we pulled into the driveway, and he turned around to smile at me as I climbed out. He trotted over to me with a backpack on his back and his suitcase trailing behind him.

"So, you made it through Mr. Hanover's class," he grinned. "Nice."

"Oh, I have _so_ many stories," I laughed, grabbing my backpack while my mom lifted my suitcase from the trunk and set it down next to me. I grasped the handle and fell into step with Liam as we headed into the house.

We headed into our rooms to unpack but left the bathroom doors open so we could still hear each other. "How was your last day of school?" I called, beginning to take my clothes out and putting them in my dresser drawers.

"It was pretty good," he replied. "We got a picture of our class and we went around signing the back."

"Oh, that's cool. In my fourth period, my teacher brought in some snacks and we had like an eating party."

"That sounds awesome. Were there potato chips?"

I grinned. "Of course. I would have been sad if there weren't."

He wandered into my room, also smiling. "But what kind were they?"

Ah, the ultimate question. I let a slight smile curl my lips. "Lays and Fritos."

"Perfect! Were they good?"

"They were delicious, and I enjoyed them without you."

He let out a dramatic sigh. "I'm hurt!"

We both made some substantial progress with unpacking, at which point our parents called us into the dining room for lunch. We sat side by side, subtly playing footsies under the table while we ate mac 'n cheese. Our parents were talking about adult stuff, so we ignored them and ate as quickly as possible so we could head down to the beach.

"How is Amelia doing?" he asked as we walked.

I glanced over at him, surprised that he remembered. I didn't really talk to him about her over the school year. "She's alright, I guess," I say. "We didn't have classes this year, so ... "

"Ah, that sucks," he sympathized. "Cooper and I didn't really talk a lot this year. I made friends with Brock instead."

We walked in an amiable silence, which I think is the mark of a true friendship - the ability to be content with silence. I stomped as we went, trying to make footprint indents. When we got down to the shore, we let the waves wash over our ankles and stood gazing out at the horizon.

We spent a lot of our time like that. When we weren't hiding in our crawlspace or looking for things to get into, it was lovely to contemplate things together in a peaceful quiet. Sometimes, it helped both of us figure out what to do next.

He and I spruced up the crawlspace that summer. We took a few blankets from the closet and piled them up so we had a comfortable place to sit, and taped crayon drawings on the walls. Not the most elegant of decorations, but it gave the place some life and was better than staring at plain white walls while we hung out.

That year for our birthdays, we had an evening barbecue cookout down by the beach. We got some lanterns and tiki torches for lighting and dragged a grill out there (or, should I say, our parents did). We set up folding chairs and picnic tables and laughed and had a wonderful time. Liam and I were too big to fit in one chair, so we reluctantly sat in separate ones (they were, admittedly, right next to each other).

The barbecued chicken was really delicious. We gobbled it down, and afterwards, our parents brought out our cake. They sang happy birthday to us, and I thought it looked super cool, the way the tiki torch light shone off of Liam's face. I wondered if it looked that way on my face, too.

"Thif if reawwy delifcious," I mumbled around my mouthful of cake. Liam nodded in agreement, too concentrated to bother talking.

On my birthday, Liam gave me a crayon drawing of the two of us, with "Best Friends Forever" written underneath. I grinned at him and he helped me tape it up on the wall of my room. It's been there ever since.

The next day, our parents took us out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Liam and I were content to order from the kid's menu, and we decided to get chicken tenders. I stole his fries and he stole mine - it was basically an unspoken rule.

My mom came to talk to me in my room that night. "I'm really glad you and Liam get along the way you do," she said, smiling tiredly. "It really helps."

Reading the expression on her face, I frowned. "Are you okay?"

She swiped at her eyes, which confused me. "Yeah. Mommy ... Mommy's just really tired."

I quietly accepted this, having a feeling there was nothing I'd be able to do about it, and kissed her goodnight on the forehead. We said "I love you" to each other and she left my room, closing the door gently behind her.

After waiting a good fifteen minutes to make sure she wasn't nearby, I snuck into Liam's room. We curled up on his bed and I told him about it.

"She looked sad," I said. "What do you think?"

"She didn't look sad at dinner," he replied. "Maybe she had bad food?"

I shrugged. We were only eight, but I didn't think it was that simple, even then.

"It'll be okay," he said, patting my shoulder. With any other boy my age, it would have been awkward, but with Liam, it was comforting. It made me feel like things would be okay.

That's the thing about trusting people. It can hurt you, sure, but sometimes, those people are the only ones who can make it all better.

As summer came to a close, I found that I would miss the beach house and its niceness even more than usual. Of course, Liam and I would still be writing letters to each other, but it wasn't the same as seeing him face to face.

His parents are awesome as well. His mom makes perfect chocolate chip cookies for us to eat while we watch TV.

Not that my mom doesn't make awesome chocolate chip cookies, too, but ... Ms. Mallen's are better.

On the last day of our summer together, Liam and I spent the day down by the beach. We'd already stuffed our things into our suitcases, and our parents were spending the day packing, so we weren't particularly interested in hanging out inside.

We built a sand castle together, and I watched as people came and went past us. Mostly adults, some kids. None of them thought twice about us; after all, they all had their own lives, their own worries, their own fears. They all had their own worlds, and we were but a fraction of a frame in the grand scheme of their life movie.

I kicked at the loose sand on the outer edges of our castle. "This summer went by really fast," I commented.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I'm gonna miss it."

I heard the implication in his voice. _I'm going to miss you._

"Yeah. I'm gonna miss it, too."

We sat peacefully for a moment. I pinched a small clump of sand between my fingers and rubbed my fingertips together. The sand felt gritty, but it wasn't unpleasant.

"I can't believe we're eight," Liam sighed. "We were seven, like ... a few months ago."

"Yeah, that's kind of how birthdays work," I laughed.

He pushed me, but there was a playfulness to it, so I didn't mind. "Yeah, I know, I know. It's just weird. I got used to being seven."

"I get that."

He leaned backwards to rest his head on top of his criss crossed fingers. "You'll still write letters?"

I leaned back as well, our elbows barely an inch apart. "Of course." I turned my head to look at him. "Why wouldn't I?"

He was still staring up at the sky. "I just ... I wanted to make sure."

I propped myself up on my elbows to look at him. "Liam, I'll always write. Even when we're like ... forty three or whatever. We'll always write to each other."

Back then, I didn't understand the fragility of a promise. That things can change. That sometimes, we aren't in control of everything that happens to us.


	6. 3rd Grade

Liam wasn't usually prone to injury. He once tripped and smacked his face on his bedroom floor, much to Mrs. Mallen's horror, but miraculously, he was completely fine - just a bruised ego.

For his ninth birthday, though, he had his heart set on boogie boarding.

His mom was doubtful about it, considering it could be pretty dangerous, but Liam was persistent with it. "It's all I want for my birthday this year," he reasoned. "I won't ask for anything else. Please?"

So after a very brief, honestly pointless discussion, his parents relented.

On the morning of his ninth birthday, we all gathered outside and Liam's mom presented him with a boogie board. It was plain blue, nothing particularly special about it, but his eyes lit up when he saw it. He eagerly took it from her and raced down to the beach.

I moved to follow him, but my mom touched my arm to signal for me to wait. I turned to see my parents standing together, my dad's arms hidden behind his back.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound polite despite my impatience.

"We wanted to get you something, too," my dad explained. He brought his arms forward, revealing that he was holding an inflatable shark.

I tipped my head. "Well, that's cool, but ... What is it?"

"It's like a boogie board, but easier," my mom explained. "You get on the back, grab the handles, and when a wave comes, you lift up your feet and let it carry you."

I remember thinking, _Huh. That sounds pretty cool!_ I said an enthusiastic "thank you!" and accepted it with glee, racing down to the shore where Liam was waiting for me. I tried to keep it in the air, but it was pretty heavy for my not-quite-nine-year-old self, so the tail eventually started dragging in the sand.

"What is that?" he asked as I approached, sounding curious.

"It's like a boogie board, but easier," I explained, paraphrasing my mom. "So I can do it, too, but it won't be as hard."

We exchanged goofy grins, glad to be able to share the experience. "What are you naming him?" Liam asked.

"She's a girl," I informed him, sticking up my nose in a mock snooty manner. "And I'm naming her Serafina."

Without further ado, we waded out into the ocean. It was almost too high for us to keep going when we stopped.

I quickly clambered onto Serafina's back, struggling not to tip over. Liam braced his hands on his boogie board, and when the wave came, he pushed off and I lifted my feet up. I laughed with excitement as the wave carried me forward, surging upwards with the crest.

Admittedly, keeping my balance wasn't the easiest thing to do, but it was fun. When we came to a stop, Liam and I exchanged a glance alight with glee, energy making us giddy.

All was going well, until he fell.

There was a big wave coming. I dismounted and stood sideways to it to wait it out, but Liam decided he wanted to go for it.

When it came in, it was a lot stronger than either of us anticipated. I stumbled, nearly losing my balance, but it was worse for Liam.

The water came in over his head, forcing him down and shoving him against the sand. He came up spluttering, tears springing to his eyes, and when he faced away from me, I saw why.

The sand had done a number on him. There were scrapes all up and down his back, and they did not look pleasant.

He leaned partially on my shoulder as we made our way back to the shore, at which point Mrs. Mallen screamed "Oh my God!" and immediately rushed him back to the house.

I wanted to go with them, but my parents kept me down by the beach with them. "We need to let her take care of him," my mom explained.

"But I could help take care of him," I protested. "He's my best friend!"

"I know, sweetie, I know," she sighed, stroking my hair comfortingly. "But right now, we need to leave them to it." I didn't argue any more.

I get it - family is family. But I still think I should have been there.

For the next two weeks, Liam wasn't allowed to swim. The bandages wrapped around the majority of his upper body had to stay dry, after all. He sulked about it for a few days, but I eventually cheered him up with some good rounds of Uno, during which I subtly let him win.

We spent those two weeks hanging out in our crawl space, watching TV, and playing board games. It was a good time, but as soon as his back healed, we were right back at the beach, riding the waves.

My mom tried to turn it into a lesson, as all good parents do. "Don't take more than you can handle," she warned me. But while we were a little more cautious, things were essentially right back to the way they were before. 

On my birthday that summer, Liam snuck into my room around 7 P.M. "Sorry I don't have a gift this year," he whispered. "I thought we could just stay up late and hang out?"

"That sounds good," I grinned. I didn't mind not getting a gift from him, as long as I got to spend time with him. That's what made the day truly special.

We messed around with the drawing kit my mom had gotten me. I actually tried to draw stuff - I found out I actually quite liked drawing. Liam, on the other hand, preferred other stuff, like Pictionary and making paper airplanes.

He and I had a paper airplane fight once, but it ended when one of his planes hit me in the eye and I burst into tears.

Liam ended up falling asleep in my room that night, and though he went scurrying back to his as soon as my dad knocked on my door the next morning, I heard him murmur something before I fell asleep.

"Happy birthday, 'Lina."

*****

From then on, Lina was my accepted nickname. Liam was the only one allowed to call me that - it tied us together, gave us something to have just between us.

We were both nine at that point. He was at that stage where he was growing taller, but wasn't gaining a lot of muscle. Because of this, he was kind of gangly, but not in an extremely awkward way. It made him look older than he actually was.

Granted, he was only an inch taller than me, but he used to give me hell about that one inch. That small distance has stayed with us throughout the years - whenever he grew a little bit, no more than a month would go by before I would, too. It was odd, but my mom said it was because we were such good friends. I told her that didn't make sense, but she just laughed.

"Lina," Liam called.

"Coming!" I called back. I headed out of my room and found him by the staircase.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Up for a game of Uno?" he asked. 

"Sure," I said warmly.

We headed up to the crawlspace and played Uno for a few hours. I know that it has a tendency to destroy friendships, but he and I usually just have good-natured competitions. Our friendship is stronger than that.

It was peaceful, honestly. While parties and dinner outings are fun, sometimes it's nice to appreciate the simpler things in life, like having a pleasant board game session in a hideout with my best friend.

The power of the word "Uno" is impressive. In anticipation of your opponent's move, you can blurt it out, thus making them draw more cards and setting them a step back. However, if your opponent says it before you, they're safe.

But in real life, you can't predict what's going to happen. You can try, but nothing is ever set in stone. And yeah, people can say things that set you back, deter you from your goals, intentionally or otherwise.

Sometimes, it's not just words.


	7. 4th Grade

Dara and I got closer in 4th grade.

Not really through my choice. If I'm being honest, I would have preferred to hang out with Amelia at the time, but she had other ideas.

It still annoys me when I think about it, but basically, on the first day of school, I skipped up to her, thinking we'd compare schedules and see if we had classes together. But she stared at me like a stranger and pretended she had no idea who I was.

It hurt, I won't lie. Though we were young when we first became friends, I had trusted her. I knew she and I weren't as close as me and Liam, but I thought our friendship still meant something.

Dara saw the whole thing, though, and she immediately pulled me aside to ask if we could compare schedules. Luckily, we found out that we had most classes together, which was a huge relief. I wouldn't be completely alone.

I wrote to Liam about it as soon as I got home, wiping away the tear drops that landed on the notebook paper. It was one of the longest letters I'd written to him - I had a lot to say on the matter.

Thankfully, he was understanding of my pain - he and Cooper had a falling out, too. In that moment, I was more grateful than ever that me and Liam's friendship was solid and lasting.

I will admit, I struggled a little in 4th grade. I'd gotten used to being able to make good grades with minimal effort. That changed in 4th grade, when our teachers actually got a bit more serious and gave us work that was on our level.

I had my first official crush in 4th grade - on Dalton Mire - and while it was only for a few days, it was not an entirely unfamiliar feeling. That confused me - if it was my first crush, why was the feeling familiar?

As embarrassing as it was, I talked to my mom about it. She smiled softly and said, "Honey, that's because it's how you feel with Liam."

I scoffed at that, which annoyingly only made her smile more. "Liam and I are just friends," I said firmly.

4th grade was also the first memorable field day. My team had deep blue shirts, so that was nice. They reminded me of the ocean.

Since Liam and I always seemed to keep an inch of height between us, I was pretty tall for my age - around 5', I'd say - so I was chosen for the 400 yard dash.

Sprinting down the field, the wind tossing my hair, my legs pumping with furious speed, I could almost pretend that Liam was beside me and we were heading down to the beach for a nice swim.

It's always that way when it gets towards the end of the school year. I start yearning for the ocean and the company of my best friend.

We got popsicles in between events, which was both delicious and helpful. For lunch, we got sandwiches and juice, which would have been good if they were properly refrigerated. But, they weren't, so we had to suffer with slightly mushy bread and overly warm Caprisuns.

Nevertheless, field day soon leads to the last day of school, and I could not be more excited about getting out of 4th grade and heading to the beach house.

The car ride that year was a bit tricky - we broke down and had to call roadside assistance for help. Luckily, we were back on the road a few hours later, though my mom did have to call Ms. Mallen to let her know we were going to be late.

I was a bit upset about being late, but seeing Liam was worth it. I practically leaped out of the car when we got to the house; he was sitting on the front porch in anticipation of our arrival, and when he saw me, he jumped to his feet. We ran forward at the same time, colliding with a big "oof!" on both ends. Still, it was a nice hug of reunion. It turned out that I wasn't the only one who had missed my best friend.

We enthusiastically caught up with each other in the living room while my mom made us lunch. He talked all about soccer and how great it was going - I was happy for him, even if sports weren't for me.

Liam once told me I should do a sport, since it would let me be outside. I laughed and told him exactly why that wouldn't work: I preferred to take aimless, wandering adventures in the woods and quietly appreciate nature from the banks of a river, not be a part of an organized team that competed with other teams.

He laughed at that. "Fair enough."

I don't know what got into us, but for the next few days, we were practically inseparable. We ate meals together, watched TV, messed around in the sand by the beach, went swimming in the ocean, played games in the crawlspace, snuck into each other's rooms at night, and just generally spent all of our time together.

It was honestly strange. I mean, I would always look forward to seeing him each summer, but this was different. I had _missed_ him, from his silly jokes to his lopsided smile. I didn't know what had changed, but if it made our reunion even more satisfying, then I was okay with it.

"This is going to be a good summer," Liam smiled as we played Uno in our crawlspace. "I can feel it. Something is different."

I smiled back, glad he was feeling it, too. "I can't wait."

I glanced at my hand and laid down a card. "Now draw four."

*****

Collecting shells was something that never got old for us. We started doing it less and less over the years, but there was something purely fun about making our way up and down the beach, trying to snatch up shells before the next wave came in and drew them back out to sea.

We headed out the morning before Liam's birthday, bright and early so we could beat the crowds. We took a jar with us - we were experienced shell gatherers, after all - and once it was nearly full to the brim, we settled down side by side on the beach and watched the sun rise above the horizon.

"I love the colors," he sighed. "They're so ... "

"Beautiful?" I suggested. "Which one's your favorite?"

He squinted at the sky. "I think I like the edge of the sunset, where the bright is mixing into the blue." He turned his head to look at me. "How about you?"

I tilted my head to the side, studying the gorgeous vision before us. "The place where the sun meets the horizon," I decided. "The way the sun seems to be rising out of the ocean, not quite joined together but not entirely apart."

"It's weird," Liam agreed. "Like ... The ocean is right here, and the sun is really far away, but it looks like they're right near each other."

I drew my knees up to my chest. "I think that's how it was with me and Amelia," I said. "I thought we were close, but it turns out she was further away than I thought."

Liam shook his head. "It was different for me and Cooper. We were like ... We were like two boats out on the water. The waves slowly drew us further and further apart until we weren't as close as we used to be."

I was surprised at us for making such impressive analogies. I grinned, playfully nudging his shoulder. "So you're smart all of a sudden, huh?" I teased.

He reached out and ruffled my hair with his sand covered fingers, fully aware that I hated that. "I've been smart this whole time," he said airily. "You're just now noticing."

*****

We got phones for our tenth birthdays that year.

It was a glorious reveal. They brought out our gift boxes like normal, presenting us with an awesome meal and birthday cake.

But when it came time to open the presents, as soon as we tore the wrapping paper on the phone boxes, our parents blew air horns and screamed happy birthday, tossing glitter over us as we beheld our new pieces of technology with overwhelming joy.

"This should help you guys keep in touch during the school year," Mr. Mallen explained with a smile.

"Right now, it's just for texting and one or two games," my mom cut in. "You guys will be allowed to have other stuff on there as time goes on."

Liam and I looked at each other and simultaneously squealed.

Of course, the first thing we did was try our phones out. We went to opposite sides of the house - like _that_ would make a difference - and texted each other.

**Hi**

Hi Lins

Lina

Whoops

**You good?**

Yeah

Can we promise to never talk in text speech?

**Um, duh. I don't think I could if I tried.**

Alright

Can we go back to face to face now?

**Yes haha**

We returned to the living room, both grinning from ear to ear. "This is so awesome!" I exclaimed, jumping up and down. "We can just talk to each other _at once_!"

"I'll still write you letters, though," Liam promised, one side of his mouth tugging up higher than the other. "It feels special when I get letters from you."

I smiled and wholeheartedly agreed.

We browsed the app store for the better part of the day - one of those rare times when we didn't go outside much at all. I eventually settled on Talking Tom and Candy Crush, while Liam got Geometry Dash.

The touchscreen was what fascinated us the most. It blew our minds that we could interact with things through a single tap of the finger, but that quickly grew to become our reality.

Eventually, as with anything, the hype died out and our phones quickly became a regular part of our daily lives. We started going outside again, having fun at the beach like normal.

Admittedly, we did try to take some pictures at the beach - the sunrise, the waves, the sand castles we built. But they all turned out blurry, because we had no idea how to hold our phones still.

I couldn't wait to test out this texting thing, but for that time, he and I were together in person. We decided to make the most of it by trying not to use our phones too much.

A day before my birthday, we were walking on the beach early in the morning when we found a little cardinal chick down by the beach. His red feathers were wet, and he looked half drowned - he had been washed in from the sea and was struggling to make his way up the beach.

"Oh, poor thing," I murmured, kneeling next to him. I looked up at Liam hopefully. "We have to help him."

"How?" he asked. "I don't even know the first thing about cardinals."

"We have phones now," I reminded him. "We can look stuff up, like what they eat."

I scooped the sand around and underneath the cardinal so that he was sitting in my cupped hands. "Come on, we can take him back to our parents."

"No," was the first thing Liam's dad said. "We don't need a pet, Liam."

My mom, who has always had a weak spot for animals in need, pursed her lips. "Jason - "

"No," he repeated, a little harsher this time, which seemed to surprise my mom. "We can't bring in every poor creature in need, and that's what'll happen if we let them keep this one. End of story." He pointed towards the door. "Liam, put it outside."

I turned to my best friend with pleading eyes. "Liam, please."

But his gaze was downcast as he said, "Selina, he's right. Here, give him to me."

I wasn't about to fight him, but I wouldn't just let this happen quietly. "If you do this, I swear, I will not speak to you for the rest of the summer," I threatened.

He knew I was serious. I saw it on his face. But he just carefully took the cardinal from me and exited the house.

I ran to my room, locked the door (even the one leading to our joint bathroom), and cried. My mom knocked a few minutes later, saying that Liam was back inside, but I didn't want to see him. All I could feel was sadness for the little cardinal who would never get to live.

Keeping true to my word, when the sun rose the next morning and I was officially ten, I didn't say a word to Liam at the breakfast table. My mom hugged me and grinned and congratulated me on hitting the double digits, and he looked like he wanted to chime in, but I pointedly turned my back and ignored him. Right before I turned around, out of the corner of my eye, I saw his happy expression slide away. We were supposed to celebrate this together, but I wanted no part of it.

Still, I didn't let our little argument stop me from having a good birthday. I crafted a sand castle on the beach and felt immense satisfaction when I knocked it down. I collected shells on my own, and it felt almost nice not having him argue about which ones were more valuable. I splashed around in the ocean and my hair stayed sand free.

That night, I was sitting on my bed, contemplating a lot of things, when the bathroom door opened and Liam stepped into my room, his hands behind his back.

I stared at him for a moment, about to ask him what he was doing, then remembered my vow of silence and turned away.

"It's okay," he said, walking forward. "You don't have to say anything. I just ... I wanted to show you this."

He brought his hands out from behind his back and there sat the cardinal in a little cage, chirping delightedly.

My entire face lit up. "What - how - how is this possible?" I stuttered. I reached forward with my hand and he stepped closer so I could touch the cage. It was real. I don't know why I ever thought it wasn't.

"I never put him outside," Liam explained, smiling. "I just circled back around and brought him to my room. I found this cage in the storage room."

He set the cage down on my bedside table and rubbed the back of his neck, looking sheepish. "I named him Red," he admitted. "Dumb, I know, but ... Are you okay with it?"

I stood from my bed and gave him a big hug, and he laughed, quickly hugging me back. "Yes," I said, my voice muffled by his shirt. "It's a perfect name."

When we stepped away, he grinned. "So, you're speaking to me now?"

I poked his shoulder. "I'm not sure I could've kept that up all summer, anyway."

He briefly explained what Red liked to eat: sunflower seeds and little pieces of apple. "I found that on Google," he said proudly.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small Ziploc bag of sunflower seeds. "Do you want to feed him?"

Nodding vigorously, I reached into the bag and withdrew a seed, placing it on the pad of my index finger. I tentatively stuck my finger through the bars of the cage, waiting for Red to approach.

He did; he hopped towards my finger curiously, and upon seeing that I had food, promptly pecked it right up. There was a slight sting that accompanied it - his beak was sharp, after all - but I didn't mind.

"Your dad doesn't know about this?" I asked, reaching for another seed.

Liam shook his head. "No, he doesn't need to know for now. I'll tell him ... Once you take him home."

My eyes widened. "W-What?"

"Well, we can't very well leave him here when summer is over. Someone needs to take him home." He hopped up onto the bed; I followed. "I think we should take turns taking him home each summer." He grinned. "As your birthday present, you get to take him home first! And ... because my dad will definitely need to be convinced."

I thought about it for a moment. Would I really be responsible enough?

I glanced at Red in his little cage, tilting his head and chirping at me innocently, and in that moment, I decided that I wasn't going to let him down.

*****

On the last day of summer, Liam and I raced each other down to the beach and sat by the shore. I never got used to how breathtaking the view was - I must have seen a hundred sunsets at that point, but each one was just as special and beautiful as the last.

"I can't wait for us to text each other," I sighed. "We can just ... talk whenever we want."

"I know," he grinned. "I promise I'll never be too busy to talk."

"Me neither," I vowed. I mean, what exactly would I be busy doing? I wasn't involved in sports like Liam, so if he could find time, then I definitely could.

We sat together, warmed by our promise, and watched as a final few bursts of light danced on the horizon. I glanced at him then, taking in the way the shadows played over his face, and I realized something.

I'd lived my life till that point thinking his eyes were green like the leaves on a tree, but I was wrong. They were a stunning hazel, and they made the sunset look dull.


	8. 5th Grade

Hey Lina!

Lina?

**Yeah, sorry, I'm here**

**Was at dinner**

No worries lol

How have you been?

**Good. Missing the beach though**

**You?**

Agreed

I was thinking next summer, I could bring my soccer ball and we could play?

**That sounds awesome!**

**I've never played soccer before**

NEVER?

You strange human

**I KNOW, right? How impossible that someone might not be interested in the same things as you**

:)

*****

**Hey how was your day?**

Eh

Practice was blah

**Sorry to hear that**

**Made any friends, though?**

Yeah, actually

This dude named Gavin

He's pretty cool

How about you?

**I met a girl named Emily in science class. She's actually super nice**

Still friends with Dara, though, right?

**Of course**

**She's not as annoying nowadays**

XD

*****

Today was not a good day

**What happened?**

We had to play football in P.E.

I got hit in the face and everyone laughed at me

**:( I'm sorry. They don't sound like very nice people**

They're not

Gavin was one of them

**I'm sorry to hear that. He must not have been a very good friend, then**

I thought he was, though. I really did

How are things with you and Emily?

**They're ok. We only talk in science class**

Is that a good thing?

**I don't know yet. It seems to be going ok so far**

That's good. I'm glad friendships are working out for one of us

**Hey, what am I, chopped liver?**

Huh?

**Do I mean nothing to you???!!! We're still friends right???!!!**

Yes, yes, yes we are, Lina calm down!!

**Oh my gosh, it's a JOKE**

**:D**

**Liam?**

So uh how's Red doing?

**Subtle. But he's doing great. I feed him twice a day and he seems very happy**

How did your mom take it?

**She's ok with it actually. She said she's glad he didn't die or she would have felt bad**

Good :)

Oh gotta go for now. Talk later!

*****

And talk we did. We texted every. Single. Day. When we woke up, before we left from school, after Liam's soccer practice, before we went to sleep ... It was an amazing closeness to him that I'd never felt before. I felt connected to him across the many states between us, something that I knew I'd never take for granted. We still wrote letters, of course, but mainly just for math problems and embarrassingly punny jokes.

Dara, unfortunately, didn't have a phone yet. Her parents were apparently pretty strict with technology - they didn't want her to have any till she was thirteen. So that was rough, but she and I managed just fine. We had almost all of our 5th grade classes together, and we hung out at recess.

I had her over for a sleepover, actually - my first one ever. My mom encouraged it. "You should have friends other than Liam," she pointed out. I wanted to tell her that Dara and I had been friends since 2nd grade, but I had a feeling there would be no point.

Still, we had a fantastic time. We stayed up late (though not as late as I'd stayed up with Liam on multiple occasions) watching TV, playing with toys and board games, and just talking about stuff. She told me about her siblings, something that was fascinated to me as an only child, and I told her about Liam.

"You guys sound close," she said, smiling. She didn't sound at all jealous, just impressed. "I can tell he means a lot to you."

It kind of floored me for a second, the fact that someone who had never met him or seen us together could pick up on such a thing. But after a moment, I let a smile come to my face, because I knew he and I were special, and that would never change.

*****

**AHHHH SCHOOL IS OVERRRRR**

I KNOWWWWW

I'm so excited

**Me too!**

**Text me when you guys are on the way?**

Will do

I can't wait to hang out with you again

**Right back at ya**

**I'll see you soon!**

*****

On our way :)

*****

I could barely contain myself in the car ride. While Liam and I had been in contact all year, there would never be a replacement for in person conversation, and I was eager to see him again.

When we got there, I saw the Mallens' car in the driveway and my heart soared. I burst out of the car as soon as my mom came to a stop and ran into the house.

Liam came running when he heard the door open. "Oh my God!" I yelled. "You grew!"

"So did you!" he yelled back. We hugged as normal, and all was right in the world with his arms around me and my arms around him.

"It's so good to see you again," I sighed, grinning as I pulled away. "I can't believe you got _taller_. _Again_."

"So did you," he pointed out. "We'll have to have an official measuring session, but I'm pretty sure we're still an inch apart."

"I swear ... " I rolled my eyes playfully. "Help me get the bags?"

"Yeah, of course."

We headed back outside, where my parents were unloading the suitcases from the trunk. I slung my backpack on my back and got one of my suitcases, while Liam got the other. We wheeled them inside, and he followed me to my room where we set them down.

"I think that's it," I said, brushing my hands off on my jeans. "Shall we go see if they need help with anything?"

"'Shall?' No one says 'shall' anymore."

"Well _I_ do."

"Riiiight."

We helped my parents unload the rest of the stuff - including Red in his cage, which I carefully placed on my dresser - then sat down at the dining room table for a quick lunch break.

After that, we got started on the unpacking. I fed Red his first of two daily meals, then hastily changed into my bathing suit and ran with Liam down to the ocean.

"This is a great start to the summer!" he exclaimed as we crashed head on into the waves.

We got instantaneously soaked, and I squealed with excitement at the sudden change in temperature. "I know!" I grinned, wiping the water from my face lest it get in my eyes. "I've really missed the beach."

He splashed water over my head, which left me spluttering. "You sure about that?" he laughed.

I splashed him right back. "You want to try that again?"

We had a splash fight for a few minutes, then trotted back up to the sand to dry ourselves off.

"What should we build this time?" I asked, scooping some sand into my hands.

"We could try to build a super tall tower," Liam suggested. "We've only ever tried to build castles."

"Yeah, you have a point there." I used my palms to shape the sand into a sturdy tower base. "Here, start loosening up some sand and make a pile."

He complied, digging through the sand with his fingertips into a gradually growing pile. As he did, I took some in small increments and piled them one on top of the other, trying to keep each section as even as possible.

Within no time, we had a tower that was almost as tall as I was. Liam smiled up at me. "I should probably do the building now," he said. "Since my arms will reach higher than yours, it'll be taller."

I grumbled my annoyance and heard him laugh under his breath, but we switched places. I arranged myself comfortably on the sand and started digging.

Liam stretched on his tip toes as time went on, straining to reach higher and higher. Eventually, he dropped back down to normal height. "If I do this any longer, I'll fall right into it," he explained. He rubbed his hands together in an attempt to clean them off. "Shall we reinforce it?"

We used more sand to thicken the base and slowly added more width to the tower as we went up. When we were done, we stepped back, wholly satisfied with our work. We high fived, sending sand spraying everywhere. "We hath built ourselves a magnificent edifice," I declared.

Liam rolled her eyes. "You're such a weirdo."

"Yeah, but that's why we're friends."

We headed back to the house and took turns taking a shower. House rules - whoever arrived at the house first got first dibs on the shower. Since the Mallens got there before us, I let Liam go first.

When it was my turn, I enjoyed the warm water, rubbing shampoo vigorously into my hair to wash out the ocean salt. I quickly toweled off and changed into a loose short sleeved shirt and shorts.

That night, Liam snuck into my room and we sat on my bed with Red's cage between us. "Can I feed him?" he asked, grinning.

I handed him the bag of sunflower seeds I'd brought. My mom, who was surprisingly cool with the whole thing, got Red a better cage with a little feeder you can drop seeds into; I watched as Liam sprinkled them in a few at a time, a gentle smile on his face.

"And just to check, one more time ... Your dad is cool with this, right?"

"He said he respected my dedication and maturity," Liam said, puffing out his chest, then winced as I half-jokingly slugged him in the arm. "Yeah, he's cool with it."

We watched in silence for a moment as Red pecked at the seeds, his wings twitching. At home, I would let him out once a day and let him fly around my room for a while. _That would probably be a good idea_ , I thought.

So after all the seeds were gone, I opened the actual door and he immediately hopped out, flapping his wings to make his way to my dresser. He hopped around for a while, flying from one place to another.

"I can't believe we've been coming to this house for ten years," I said softly.

"Eleven," he corrected. "It'll be our birthdays soon."

I smiled, slightly wowed at the prospect. "Yeah. Eleven years ... "

He leaned back on the bed, his upper back coming to rest against the wall."And we've been friends through it all."

It was always rare for Liam to be serious, but in that moment, he was. He looked at me, his gaze soft. "I'm glad."

I smiled, leaning back as well. "Me, too."

*****

True to his word, Liam had packed his soccer ball, so around a week before his birthday, I asked him if we could try it out. It had to be re-inflated a bit after being crushed by the other stuff in his suitcase, but once it was back to its normal quality, we took it into the backyard and he taught me how to play.

Of course, I knew the basics of how soccer worked - I had a sports obsessed father, after all. But Liam taught me some techniques and terms that would supposedly be important.

We used pairs of sticks to make goals on either side of the yard, then started playing.

I could tell he was going easy on me - he wasn't running nearly as fast as I knew he could, and he was making incredibly half-hearted attempts at stealing the ball from me. I didn't score many goals, either. But I was having a good time, and I think that's all that mattered to either of us.

By the time it was done, we were both sweating like crazy and breathing hard, but we were grinning from ear to ear. "I'm still not joining a soccer team," I said, holding my arms up with my fingers criss-crossed on the top of my head in a feeble attempt to cure the stitches in my side, "but that was really fun."

"I know, right?" Liam's grin widened. "Come on, let's go in and get some cool drinks."

We raced inside and got the lemonade pitcher from the refrigerator. Liam poured us some lemonade while I grabbed the Saltines from the pantry, and once we were all set, we headed to the crawlspace.

We definitely didn't have any problem fitting in the space. While we had obviously grown since being five, we could still get in easily, and I had a feeling it would be that way for many years. Things just didn't seem as big as they used to.

I'd say the crawlspace is about as large as a decent sized closet. It's not incredibly narrow, but it is definitely more long than it is wide. It's carpeted, but you wouldn't have been able to tell because we had blankets and pillows laid all over the floor (we changed them out every summer). Our crayon drawings are still taped up, and though they've collected a thin layer of dust, they're one of my favorite parts about the space. There's a small table with two drawers: we put notebooks and pencils inside for spontaneous activity ideas. Most importantly, there's a small window that overlooks the water, but we found out that it's tinted so no one can see inside from out there.

We thought about painting the walls once, but we didn't know how we'd explain our need for paint. We'd miraculously kept the crawlspace a secret from our parents all those years, and we wanted to keep it that way.

I sipped my lemonade, enjoying the refreshingly cool tanginess. "So that's what you do every day?" I asked.

"Every other day," he corrected. "But I've heard that at the middle school, practice _is_ every day."

I leaned my head against the wall. "Yeah, I just don't have that kind of commitment. I admire you for it, though."

"I hope I can keep it up." He plucked a Saltine from the package. "I want to, but, I mean ... There's other stuff I want to do, too."

"Like what?"

"I don't know ... Like, video games and stuff. I want a PS4, but my mom said only if I do well in soccer and keep my grades up."

"That's rough," I said sympathetically. "What about your dad?"

He shrugged. "Honestly, sometimes I don't think he even cares."

"I'm sure he does. He just might not show it."

"Yeah ... I guess."

We lapsed into silence. In all honesty, I couldn't relate to the problems he was going through. My parents supported me in everything I did, and if I failed, they helped me understand what I did wrong. I wanted to help, but I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him. I knew he didn't want sympathy, but I also didn't want to say something stupid to ruin the moment.

So I decided to just be there for him. We played games till dinnertime, and after we ate, we hung out with Red in my room till 9.

At that point, he was practically asleep. I shook his shoulders gently, trying to get his attention. "Liam," I murmured. "Liam, wake up."

His eyelids fluttered open, and he blinked blearily. "Huhhhh?"

"I think you're a little tired," I chuckled. "Time to go back to your room, I think."

He sat up, his eyes still half closed. "Yeah. Yeah, okay." He hauled himself to his feet, smoothing his hands over his face as he headed to the bathroom door. "See you tomorrow, Lina."

I smiled. "See you tomorrow, Liam."

*****

"Wake up, wake up, wake up!" I jolted awake to hands shaking my shoulders. " _Li_ na, wake up!"

"I'm up, I'm up!" I groaned, shoving him off me. Half-awake thoughts fought for dominance in my brain. "What do you want?"

"It's my _birth_ day!" he exclaimed. "We're going to the arcade in Raleigh, but we have to leave like _soon._ "

"Okay, okay, I'm going. Some privacy, please?" Grinning, he skipped out of my room, and I hauled myself out of bed. Stumbling to my dresser, I piled clothes into my arms and went into the bathroom to change.

Splashing water on my face helped wake me up, and I quickly slipped into my clothes. I gave my hair a brief brush-through, swiped my phone from my nightstand, then headed out into the hallway.

I found Liam and our parents gathered in the living room. My mom smiled when she saw me. "Get your shoes on, sweetie," she said. "We're gonna get breakfast on the road."

I quickly laced up my sneakers. "Alright, I'm ready."

We headed outside to the cars. My dad went with the Mallens, while my mom gestured Liam and I towards our car.

My mom climbed into the driver's seat while Liam and I clambered into the backseats. The Mallens pulled out of the driveway first, and my mom soon followed.

We got breakfast at McDonalds a few minutes down the road. Liam and I got delicious breakfast wraps and enjoyed them as we drove on.

It was close to a three hour car ride, so we found ways to keep ourselves occupied. We played Pictionary. We exchanged terrible jokes. We told stories from the school year. We planned what games we were going to play.

At some point, I fell asleep and woke up to Liam gently shaking my shoulders. "We're here," he said softly. I nodded, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and unbuckled my seat belt.

When we exited the car, I looked up at the building we were parked in front of. The walls were a faded brick, with a sign that said **BOXCAR Bar + Arcade**.

"Alright, let's go in," my mom said with a smile. We met up with my dad and the Mallens at the door and all went inside together.

It was a dimly lit space. My dad walked up to the counter to pay, while the rest of the adults stayed with us.

My dad came back with two pouches of tokens. "Here ya go," he said, handing one pouch to me and Liam, turning to the latter to speak to him next. "It's your birthday, so you've got two refills. Go have fun!"

My mom followed Liam and I to supervise us while the rest of the adults headed to the bar to order drinks (my mom isn't huge on alcohol - not that my dad is an alcoholic, but he drinks occasionally).

"What do you want to do first?" I asked excitedly.

"Follow me," he replied.

He led me to the air hockey table. I'd never played it before, but I quickly learned that Liam was good at it.

"Why are you doing such a good job?" I exclaimed as he scored a fifth point on me.

"There's an arcade only a half hour away from my house," he replied, giving me a smug grin. "I've had a lot of practice."

"Yeah, I can tell." But I wasn't sour about it, because why would I be? It was Liam. Jealousy wasn't something we did because it wasn't worth our while. We were close enough that we were secure with ourselves and each other.

We did a lot that day. Skee-ball, Aliens Extermination, Cruise 'n Blast, Mario Kart, Tetris, and pinball, among other things. We played so many arcade games that I stopped trying to keep them straight in my head. We had a little friendly competition, of course, as two best friends do.

And we laughed. God, we laughed so much and so hard. At one point, he threw a skee-ball, but it bounced off the rim of the game area and smacked him in the forehead. We both stood in a moment of shocked silence as it clattered to the floor, then doubled over laughing till our entire faces were as red as the mark on his head.

After a few hours, we'd used up all our tokens including our two refills, so we headed to a nearby Subway for a late lunch. Liam and I sat next to each other in the booth, munching happily on our sandwiches and letting the adrenaline slowly wear off.

"That was a lot of fun," he said in between bites. "I can't believe you're _so_ bad at air hockey."

"Hey, I'm not bad!" I protested. "You're just really good! My experience with it isn't nearly as high as yours!"

" _Ohh_ kay, if you say so."

"I do say so!"

He rolled his eyes and grinned, taking a huge bite of his sandwich. "What do you say about this?" he mumbled with his mouth full.

"I say gross, ya weirdo."

Apparently we were both a lot more tired than we thought, because on the car ride home, we both fell asleep almost as soon as my mom started driving. She woke us up a few hours later.

The first thing I noticed was that it was dark. Not that that was something I wasn't used to - obviously, it got dark every night. But we weren't usually outside when it happened.

I stared up at the night sky, taking a moment to admire the stars. There really were so many of them, and they glittered so brightly.

We headed in, and our parents went to their rooms to call it a night. Liam and I retreated into our own rooms, but as soon as I closed my door, I hopped onto my bed and took my phone out of my back pocket to text him.

**Meet me in the backyard in fifteen minutes? Bring pillows**

Ooookay, but why?

**The stars are pretty**

I left it at that, knowing he would understand the simplicity of my answer. He and I were alike in that way - we enjoyed the simple things in life, like taking morning walks on the beach and appreciating sunsets. But we'd never gone stargazing before.

He met me in the backyard exactly fifteen minutes later - we were precise people. I'd brought a blanket out for us to sit on; I fanned that out over the grass, and as soon as he laid the pillows down, I leaned back to rest my head on one. He soon joined me, and we lay side by side under a canopy of stars. The trees beyond the white picket fence were alive with night creatures, but the yard was perfectly still, a moment frozen in time for just the two of us.

"You're right," he said, turning his head to look at me. "The stars are pretty."

"I know," I smiled. "I've always had a sense for beautiful things."

"I guess so."

I stretched my legs out, my bare toes tickled by the grass just past the edge of the blanket. "Do you ever think about how big the universe is?" I asked.

Liam tilted his head back, gazing upwards. "I mean ... It's continuously expanding every day. It's already pretty big. We could think about how little we are compared to it, or we could think about how much we have despite the fact that we're so little."

"Since when did you get poetic?"

He looked at me intensely, and the joke died from my lips. "Seriously, Lina. As long as we have each other, it doesn't matter how big the universe is. We'll make it through."

*****

If I'm being honest, my eleventh birthday wasn't anything super special. In my parents' defense, they had ten years' worth of celebrations to live up to. But I didn't mind, because I had a good time.

We spent just about the entire day at the beach. We played around in the water, built kingdoms in the sand, and ate chicken wings with gritty fingers. I could taste the salt in the air - all in all, it was a good day because of its simplicity; when things are simple, it means they haven't gone wrong.

My parents got me a sketchpad for my birthday, along with a set of specialized drawing pencils. I was delighted to get them - I'd been into drawing for a while, but I had never officially asked my parents for anything related to it. I guess they picked up on it, though, and I was glad they did.

When Liam came to my room that night, he relaxed on my bed and watched me sketch. I was fine with the silence - we didn't need to be talking to enjoy each other's company. I appreciated his presence and he seemed to enjoy watching me draw.

"You're really good," he said quietly. "I wish I could draw like that."

"I'm not that good," I replied, embarrassed. "It's just a sketch."

"Better than anything I could do."

He leaned back against the wall. "You should draw me some day."

I raised my eyebrows. "I don't think - "

"You don't have to do it now," he interrupted. "Just ... some day. I think it would be cool."

I smiled, flattered that he thought I was good enough to draw him. "Okay," I agreed. "Some day."

*****

I dedicated the rest of the summer to improving my sketching skills. I sat on the beach and drew the waves, the sand, and the trees to the best of my ability. I did that almost every day, then joined Liam in the water and had a blast. Sometimes, we would lay on the towel and sun ourselves, or play tic-tac-toe in the sand. But whatever we did, we did it together.

Unfortunately, just like every year, summer went by way too fast. Our days of enjoying the beach and hanging out in the crawlspace were numbered. But we had fun nonetheless.

Red loved to be let out in my room - I think he really looked forward to it, and he started getting a sense of when it was time for him to be let out. He would start chirping and hopping up and down on his perch until I opened the cage door.

Liam really liked feeding him. He was usually the one to do it, and we would talk at the same time. It was a nice, familiar routine that we easily fell into, and I found myself glad that Red gave us an excuse to spend more time together. I don't know if he would've come to my room every night otherwise.

On our last night there, with all the rest of our stuff packed, we moved Red's cage into Liam's room, since he would be taking the cardinal home the next morning, and hung out there for the night. I didn't spend too much time in Liam's room, but it was basically the same as mine, just with walls of a darker blue shade and the furniture arranged a bit differently.

I perched on his bed with a bag of chips. "You'll have to keep me updated on how he's doing," I said. "It'll be weird not seeing him at home every day."

"I can send you pictures," he pointed out.

"If you can manage to hold your phone still."

He rolled his eyes. "I'll take good care of him, I promise."

I smiled. "I don't doubt it."

He joined me on his bed, sighing. "I can't believe we're leaving tomorrow," he murmured. "This summer went by really fast."

"We're _eleven_ ," I said disbelievingly. "We're going into middle school ... Wow."

"Time sure does fly," he laughed. "I can't wait for this year, honestly."

"Oh? Why?"

"It's a chance for a new start. There will be a bunch of new students that I can make a good impression on. I want to make more friends."

Those words caused an ache in my heart for some reason. Not jealousy - I knew what jealousy felt like, and this wasn't it. I couldn't identify it, and it made me nervous.

"Yeah, I guess," I said uncertainly. "I don't know. I have trouble approaching people."

"That's hard to imagine. You're so crazy around me."

I nudged him playfully. "That's because I've known you my whole life."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But you should try. Not all people are bad."

"I know. But I don't have very good luck when it comes to people."

He slapped his hand to his chest in mock offense. "I'm insulted."

"Good."

*****

The next morning, we stood in the driveway, preparing to say goodbye. Our suitcases were loaded into the trunks of our cars, and our parents were ready to go. It was just the two of us still standing outside.

Before I could convince myself otherwise, I stepped forward and hugged Liam. He hugged me back without hesitation.

I wish that could have lasted forever, but the summer was at its end. We stepped away from each other, trying to savor the moment for as long as we could. "I'll text you when I get home," I said solemnly.

He grinned. "I look forward to it. Talk to you then."

I turned away and climbed into my mom's car, and she started backing out of the driveway. I watched as he climbed into his dad's car. He shifted so that at the last minute, right before my mom pulled out into the main road, we made eye contact.

He smiled, and that was all I needed to know that it would be okay. That smile was a promise, a promise that we would make it through this school year, like all the other school years that we'd made it through. It was a promise that nothing would change, that when we got back next summer, he would still be my best friend.

I smiled back, a promise that I would still be his.


	9. 6th Grade

**Eyy, we're in middle school!**

I knowwww

How was your first day?

**Ok I guess. Just going over paperwork and such**

**You?**

Pretty much, yeah

**So when is soccer season?**

Not till spring apparently

I'll just be trying to keep in shape until then

**"Keep in shape" lol you're 11 and one of the most athletic people I know**

But as you know, I am an avid potato chip lover

**It's called fast metabolism, dude. Last time I checked, we both have it**

I guess. Still, better safe than sorry

**Fair enough**

How's the sketching going?

**Pretty good. I've been reworking my art style lately**

Oh?

**I'm trying to draw more realistically**

Sounds cool. You'll have to send me pictures once in a while

**Will do :)**

*****

How was school?

**Average. You?**

Alright. Gavin tried to talk to me today

**Yikes. How did you react?**

I said 'hi' and not much else

I feel kind of bad about it but I mean ...

**Don't feel bad. He was a jerk to you**

Yeah I know. But still. He was my friend for a bit

**Do you still want to be friends with him?**

I don't know

It's just that I don't have many other friends. He was kinda the only one, actually

**That's rough. I'm sorry**

**You'll always have me, if that helps**

It honestly does, Lina. Thank you

**Any time**

*****

Middle school is so not what it's made out to be. It's literally elementary school with worse teachers and more homework.

At least, that's how it was for me.

My first period teacher was Mrs. Jerroll. As a person, she was alright, but she piled on homework. Two worksheets every night. Even my parents thought that was excessive - in my mom's words, "There's no way she grades all of those, so what's the point?"

Then there was Mr. Myren, who continuously called on people who didn't have their hands raised and ignored the people who did. He tended to give homework for things we hadn't fully covered in class, leading to a lot of B's for me. I passed the class, though, so ultimately, that's all that I cared about, even if I frequently got annoyed with everything about his existence.

The rest of my teachers were average at best; more that I'll probably forget over time.

On the plus side, starting in middle school, we had Connections - classes like Band, P.E., Agriculture, Chorus, and the like. I had P.E., and it was an interesting experience.

I like to consider myself a pretty athletic person, and the same goes for back then - a mixture of hiking through the woods, running up and down the beach, and playing games with Liam in the backyard of the beach house made me that way. But I wasn't used to straight up exercising.

The first day of class was no big deal. We went over the class paperwork, discussed the kinds of things we would be doing, and that was it.

The second day, though, we actually worked out. 

I was apparently better at the leg stuff than I was at the rest. I could easily run laps, but I could barely do five push ups.

That, of course, changed throughout the course of the class. I got stronger, and I could tell that the guys in my class didn't like that very much (haha, get over it). But one thing I discovered was my eternal hate of dodgeball.

I was fine with it the first few times. I had fun with it, even. But then we started playing it almost every single day, and I quickly grew tired of it.

Dara was in P.E. with me, and she hated dodgeball just as much as I did. We were separated into teams by the teacher, Ms. Grizzle, so Dara and I usually didn't end up on the same side. We made a pact early on: never hit each other, no matter what.

I wish we hadn't had to go through that, but at least we made it out. When the semester was over (you had to take two nine weeks worth of P.E. for it to count), we didn't have to deal with it again.

Emily and I had science together again - Earth science, to be exact. With the seating chart, we were put at the same table, sitting across from each other. We talked - not as best friends, but as people who knew each other and didn't really know anyone else.

The boy I was put directly next to, Jonathan, wasn't too bad. He was, in fact, the only boy my age besides Liam that I'd ever had more than a few sentences of interaction with. I became friends with him after a few days.

Jonathan was pretty cool. He was into Star Wars and video games (specifically, Super Mario Bros.). Math was his favorite subject, which I seriously questioned, but to each his own.

Me, him, Emily, and Dara soon found solidarity within each other. We sat together at lunch and hung out with each other at recess, which was twenty minutes every day after classes. I guess we were a friend group of sorts, a group of people who all had no one else. That sounds pathetic, but nothing brings people together as much as a common lack of alternatives.

Still, despite me forming friendships with other people, I still texted Liam everyday and wrote letters on occasion. Like he predicted, when soccer season came around, his practice was daily, so we had to adjust our texting schedule, but I didn't mind. It was worth it to be able to stay in touch.

Dara and I had two sleepovers in 6th grade, and Emily was invited to the second one. We had a good time - in fact, it reminded me of staying up late with Liam. Of course, Dara and Emily were girls, and somehow, that made it different. We didn't have to sneak to be in the same room overnight, which was a foreign concept to me.

All in all, making it to middle school felt less like a rite of passage and more like we'd upgraded our subscription to a homework providing service.

*****

**On our way :)**

Can't wait :)

*****

"Liaaaaaaam!"

"Linaaaaaaa!"

We crashed into each other in the entryway, a tangle of limbs. "Oh, it's so good to see you," I exclaimed, wrapping my arms tightly around him. He was wearing a really soft jacket.

"It's good to see you, too," he laughed. returning my hug. "It's been too long."

"I knowwwww."

We separated, and I brushed a lock of my hair behind my ear. "Alright, alright, I guess it's time to unpack. Shall we?"

He and I headed to our rooms, keeping the bathroom doors open as always. "I have something to give you tonight," he called. "I bought it at the gift shop on a school trip this year."

"Nice. Well, I look forward to it."

I grabbed my bag of bathroom supplies and headed into the bathroom to put it away. "For the record, I didn't get to take any school trips this year," I said. "Rather unfair."

"Well, maybe this summer will make up for it."

"I hope so," I replied with a grin.

When we were done unpacking, we headed down to the beach - it felt like a tradition at this point, that we get to the waves as soon as possible. So we did, and we had fun.

"You have more freckles," I commented as we looked for shells.

"Do I?"

"Yeah. Considering I've been seeing your face for almost twelve years, I should know."

"You make it sound like such a terrible thing."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, dude. All I'm saying is you've got more freckles."

To be honest, I found our conversations hilarious most of the time. They were borderline ridiculous, not to mention silly. But my mom liked to say that he and I had a language, one that only we understood. I liked looking at it that way.

When we had a fair amount of shells clasped tightly in our hands, we headed back up to the house for lunch. I got us glasses of water while Liam grabbed our pre-bought Subway sandwiches from the refrigerator, and we headed to the crawlspace.

He sat with his back to one wall while I sat with my back to another. We talked as we ate, discussing the friends we'd made that year.

He seemed to have no problem with Emily, but when I mentioned Jonathan, he seemed apprehensive. "What?" I inquired.

"Nothing," he said. "Just ... You're sure this guy's a good person?"

I looked at him skeptically. "I've only known him this year, but yeah, I'd say so."

"Okay."

"Why?"

" ... No reason."

I stared at him for a moment longer, trying to figure out why he'd asked the question, but I decided to let it go. It was probably nothing.

"Can I see some of your sketches?" he asked abruptly.

I raised my eyebrows at the sudden change of subject, but I nodded. "Hang on, I need to go grab my sketchbook."

I exited the crawlspace and raced to my room, fetching my sketchbook from where I'd left it on my bed. I trotted back to the sitting room and crouched behind the couch, sliding back in through the little door.

I handed Liam my sketchbook, taking my seat once more. "Here ya go. I hope you enjoy, I guess?"

"Thanks," he said, accepting the book. "I appreciate this, you know. Some people are touchy about their sketchbooks, so I'm glad you don't mind."

"That's because none of my drawings are super private," I pointed out. " _Some_ artists just want their privacy to be respected."

"Fair enough," he mused, flipping the book open to the first page.

I watched as he turned the pages one by one, his eyes flitting over the paper. When he reached the part where I'd last stopped, he looked up with an expression of awe. "Selina, these are really good."

I knew he was serious because he used my full name. I grinned nervously. "Thanks. I've spent a lot of time trying to improve."

"It's paying off, seriously."

It was odd to get feedback on my work. I never showed my drawings to anyone, not even my parents. Liam, though ... Liam was different. With him, I could be open and honest. With him, I didn't have to hide, and for me, that was everything.

*****

That night, he slipped into my room and shut the door gently behind him. He had a small pouch in one hand.

"This is mildly sketchy," I commented. "I'm assuming that's the thing you were being mysterious about earlier?"

"Indeed," he grinned, perching on the edge of my bed. He then proceeded to open the pouch and bring out its contents.

It was a necklace; it had a thin silver chain and a circular charm that showed a dolphin jumping out of the ocean, which was made out of small, sparkly blue sequins.

"It's gorgeous," I breathed, holding out my palm.

He carefully let the necklace fall into my hand, the chain coiling against my skin. "I saw it at the gift shop and I ... I don't know, I just thought of you."

I straightened it out and looped the chain around my neck, bringing it forward so I could see the clasp as I hooked it. After readjusting it so the clasp couldn't be seen, the charm resting coolly against my collar, I raised my eyebrows. "Well? How do I look?"

He looked at me and grinned. "Amazing."

I've worn it every day since.

*****

We played soccer a lot more that summer. The backyard became like a playground despite the lack of equipment. All we needed was the soccer ball and some sticks.

I was starting to improve, somewhat. If anything, P.E. improved my flexibility and made me better at running. I think Liam also appreciated having someone to play soccer with casually, no intense competition involved. That was, in part, because I wanted the exact same thing.

After our sessions, we would relax in the crawlspace with cool drinks and a snack, and just hang out. I looked forward to it greatly - it was such a simple thing to enjoy, but that's always been how I am.

"Why do you like soccer so much?" I asked him once, taking a sip of my lemonade.

He took a sip of his before answering. "I don't know, just ... Well, when I run down the field, sprinting as fast as I can, I feel free. Like I can do anything. And when I'm in control of the ball, I've never felt stronger."

"That makes sense," I said. "It sounds like you really enjoy it."

"I do," he smiled. "It's a part of my life at this point. Kind of like the beach."

Now _that_ , I could understand.

*****

Since Liam had taken Red home for the school year, he kept the cardinal's cage in his room. As such, most of our nights were spent there, which was a change for me. I didn't mind, though. In fact, I welcomed the difference in scenery.

For his birthday, he convinced his parents to get him some bean bag chairs for his room, so that was what we sat on for the most part. We would arrange them so that we were facing each other with Red's cage between us; it was comfortable and very, very perfect.

"Was he well behaved?" I asked as I dropped some small apple chunks into his feeder. We'd added fruit to his diet since he was a little older.

"Very," Liam grinned. "I let him out of his cage every day, just like you said."

"That's good to hear." I leaned down so my face was level with Red's. "Have you been a good boy? Yeah? Have you behaved yourself?" He completely ignored me in favor of eating, and I laughed, because it was relatable.

"I'm really glad we found him," Liam said, gazing down at Red with something akin to adoration in his eyes. "He's kept me company this year."

"Oh, right," I said, remembering the whole Gavin situation. "How did it go this year? You know, making friends?"

"It was alright," he replied. "These two guys on the team, Brendan and Eric, are pretty cool. We've hung out a few times."

"That sounds cool. What kind of stuff are they into?"

"Other than soccer? Star Wars and video games, I think."

I grinned. "Sounds like they would get along with Jonathan."

He made a face, and that time, I couldn't ignore it. I pushed myself up to a higher sitting position. "What is it?"

Liam sighed. "I don't know, it's just ... It's weird to think about you being friends with other guys."

I thought about that for a moment. How would I feel if Liam was friends with other girls? It was a weird scenario to imagine, but ... Yeah, I wasn't sure. I didn't think I wanted to find out.

He seemed to read the expression on my face and nodded. "Yeah ... I mean, I don't know. I don't want to sound jealous or anything, it's just weird."

I scooted my bean bag closer to his. "Don't worry, you'll always be my best friend, no matter what."

Liam smiled. "I appreciate it," he said, and after a moment, added, "Right back at you."

*****

We went stargazing again for my birthday, just me and Liam outside in the backyard. We brought more blankets and pillows than last time and laid them out on the grass, settling down on them and staring up at the sky.

"We should make up some constellations," he said suddenly, his gaze sparkling. "The sky is super clear tonight."

I leaned back to survey the sky. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Sure, you go first."

He stayed silent for a moment, scanning what he had to work with, then said, "Okay, you see that cluster of bright stars up there? The one that's vaguely shaped like a hand?"

I had to squint to see it, but eventually I said, "Yeah."

"I'm naming that one Lina, because you always give me a helping hand when I need it."

I rolled my eyes. "That is _so_ cheesy." But I appreciated it more than he would ever know, and looking up at constellation Lina, I felt closer to him than ever.

"Alright, my turn." I brought my knees up and curled my arms around them, scanning the sky. I fiddled with my necklace while I surveyed the options. "Okay, that one, the little cluster right next to it that looks like a pair of legs?"

Liam grinned, and I could tell he'd seen it. "Well, I'm naming that one Liam," I declared, "because just like a pair of legs, you always support me."

I guess that night was just a night for being cheesy. I didn't mind too much.

We leaned back against the pillows, lazy smiles on our faces, and enjoyed a night of innocent stargazing. Considering all the things to come, it was the least we deserved.

*****

**Hey you awake?**

Yeah but why are you?

**Can't sleep**

**What's your excuse?**

Been thinking about stuff

**Oh?**

Nothing important

My brain just won't shut up

**I get that**

_Why isn't he offering to see me? Does he not want to see me?_

So what's up?

**Huh?**

Did you want to talk about anything?

**I don't know**

**There's this feeling and I don't get it**

**I can't put my finger on it and I don't know what to do about it but it won't go away**

Everything ok?

**I don't know**

**It will be**

**I hope**

**Good night**

*****

After that night, I started to realize that maybe he was thinking about something that he didn't want me to know about. I didn't know what that could be - we always told each other everything, and I legitimately couldn't imagine what he might be keeping from me. It hurt a little bit, I won't lie, but soon enough, we were spending nights in his room again and everything was back to normal.

But I wouldn't forget that little bump in the road, one that undoubtedly made me question some things. I trusted Liam, but I was getting to the age where I began to grasp his capacity to hurt me. I didn't think he would, but he could, if he wanted to.

It's difficult with life-long friendships like ours. Because you have each other, in the fullest sense possible, and that's everything. But if you ever lose each other, you're left with nothing.

*****

Leaving that summer was the hardest departure yet. I felt like things had been left unsaid between us, though I didn't know what.

His farewell to me was a distant one, which I struggled to understand. He smiled and waved from his car, making no move to come closer and hug me goodbye. I fought the impending tears, forcing a smile and waving back. No need to let him know that he was getting to me, if that was his intention.

 _God, when did I start thinking like this?_ I wondered. I'd never had to question Liam's intentions before, and it was a little scary. 

I tried to put it out of my thoughts, but it bothered me the whole way home. I usually went to sleep immediately on our car rides, but this time, it took me a good hour or two for my eyes to drift shut. When they did, I was plagued with uneasy dreams of a shaking earth and nowhere steady to stand.

*****

**Was everything ok this summer?**

Yeah of course, what do you mean?

**You seemed kinda distant towards the end**

**I don't know**

**I'm worried I did something wrong**

No

No, Lina, of course not

**Ok**

**Just let me know if something's bothering you ok?**

**You can always talk to me**

I know

Thanks, Lina :)

**Anyway watcha up to?**

Not much

Just chilling in my room

**I don't think I've ever seen your actual room before**

Really? Hang on

>Liam Mallen has sent an image<

**Nice. The style definitely translates**

Oh?

**I get the same vibe from your regular room as I do from your beach room**

Thanks? I think? XD

**Yes, Liam, that's a compliment**

**:D**

Ok lol

I gotta go eat dinner. Talk to you later?

**Of course**


	10. 7th Grade

Liam got a girlfriend in 7th grade.

I had the all too common, YA-romance-esque case of not realizing I liked him until it was too late.

And yes, I just said I liked my best friend.

 _Like_ my best friend, that is.

Her name was Adelina, and she was very pretty. I know because Liam sent me pictures of her.

Of course, I didn't tell him that I liked him, because that would just screw everything up. So I had to play the part of the loyal best friend, ready to hear about this new love interest.

She was already wearing make up, a concept that I couldn't begin to wrap my head around. Make up seemed so adult like, not something for us 7th graders. But there she was, with her flawless skin and sharp winged eyeliner.

Okay, so I was jealous. Who wouldn't be? Liam was good looking. Cute, in Emily's words (I showed her a picture of him). And I knew him, better than anyone else.

But I'd let my chance pass by, so I would let him give Adelina a chance. If she hurt him, I would be there for him, no matter what. No matter how much it hurt, he was still my best friend and I was his, and that was a title I intended to honor.

*****

**How did you two meet?**

Social studies, actually. We got put next to each other on the seating chart

We started talking on the first day of school and ... I don't know, we just hit it off

**Cool**

**What's she like?**

Sweet. Funny. Super girly, I guess, but I don't mind

_She sounds like Amelia_

**When did you ask her out?**

At lunch last week

We're hanging out this weekend actually. She's coming over

**Ah**

**Well I bet you're looking forward to that**

I am

**Cool**

**Gotta go, ttyl**

*****

I'd never felt self conscious about my face up until that point. I'd never cared about my freckles or my skin or my eye color. But seeing Adelina, I started to think that maybe I should. Did Liam prefer girls with smooth, freckle-less skin? Did he like girls with visible cheekbones and sharp chins? Because that's what Adelina had.

Looking back on it, it was a poor idea to compare myself to her, but jealousy makes you do rash things. It doesn't mean those things are right, but they have a definitive driving force behind them.

I talked to my mom about it once. "I think I like him," I confessed.

"Oh, it's been obvious for a while now," my mom laughed. "You never stop talking about him. So why don't you tell him?"

I sighed. "He has a girlfriend. There's nothing I can do about it."

My mom scooted closer to me and took my hands in hers. "Sweetie, you and Liam have known each other your entire life. And I hate to say this, but ... Middle school relationships don't usually last. Theirs probably won't."

She looked at me earnestly. "But you know who will be there to comfort him when that happens?"

I pursed my lips. "Me, I know, but ... That feels a bit like manipulation."

"No, it's you being there for your best friend. Anything that happens afterwards is completely valid, as long as it's what you and Liam both want."

I laid in bed that night, thinking about what she'd said. _It's been obvious for a while now._ Did that mean I'd liked him for years and just never been able to tell? Was that that weird feeling I'd had that I wasn't able to put my finger on?

It wasn't like I could do anything about it at that point. So I sat back and continued talking to him as usual, waiting to see how things would play out.

In an unfortunate turn of events, he and Adelina actually stayed together for the rest of 7th grade. They were pretty close, according to Liam and what my mom had heard from Mrs. Mallen.

That scared me - the idea that I was being replaced. Or, not _replaced_ , per se, since I'd never been the object of Liam's affection, but rather ... left behind. I was a second choice, and it didn't feel too good.

Still, I tried to carry on with life as normal. Jonathan and I ended up in the same math class, so I talked to him most days. We exchanged phone numbers and talked outside of school a bit. Not anything deep or serious, just random chit chat and questionable inside jokes.

I wondered if I was subconsciously replacing Liam as a defense mechanism.

Emily, Dara, and I quickly formed our own little social group, with Jonathan joining in whenever he was in the same classes as us. We were quirky and a little bit crazy, but recognized nonetheless.

Emily, the girl that's crazy good at science.

Dara, the one with her nose always stuck in a book.

Jonathan, who looks like he could be on the front cover of a magazine.

And me, Selina, the girl who can outrun everyone else.

It was because of my height, mainly. I was 5'5", and that was fairly tall for 7th grade, not to mention that I was a girl. Everyone seemed to think that would make me awkward and gangly, but because I worked out, I had muscle to me, and I could run like the wind. I started racing people at break (the new, grown up recess), and we had a lot of fun.

I interacted with some of the people I raced, but I didn't really make an effort to communicate further. I already had three people in my corner, and that was all I needed.

Four if we're counting Liam, but at that time, I didn't know if I could.

*****

**How's it going?**

Sorry busy

*****

Hey sorry about that

Was hanging w/ Adelina

**Oh cool**

**What were you guys doing?**

Just watching some movies in the living room with my parents

They adore her. My mom even made her special lasagna recipe for the occasion

**Sounds good**

**Seems like things are going well for you**

They really are

**One question, Liam**

Ya of course

**Do you call her Lina?**

Lol no, she hates the nickname. Just full names over here

*****

I was relieved. I wanted my nickname to be something that only he and I shared, like a joke that no one else was in on. It was an odd moment when I considered that he could be calling someone "Lina" with different intentions. Luckily, I didn't have to worry about that anymore.

He seemed to be happy, which was a good thing, but I was sad that he wasn't happy because of me.

"Try to be happy for him," my mom advised me. "He's your best friend, after all. Some positive feelings might do you good."

But there's only so far being happy for someone else can get you before you realize it's not real happiness, that you're not actually happy, because you're letting them be happy at your expense.

And then he had the audacity to invite her to the house that summer.

Apparently, he assumed that because they'd been together for all of eight months, they were on that kind of level. He also assumed that I'd be fine with it.

I wasn't.

When she stepped out of the Mallens' car, all shiny blond hair and bright eyes, I felt so much anger that I couldn't breathe. Then I composed myself, and went over to introduce myself to her, trying my best to ignore the way her and Liam's hands were joined.

"Selina!" she exclaimed when she saw me approaching. "I've heard so much about you!"

"Yeah," I said, a plastic smile on my face. "Likewise."

My gaze flickered to Liam. I wanted him to see that I was unhappy, to pick up on my signals like he always did. But he didn't, because he was busy looking at Adelina.

I hated her already.

Hate is a strong word, I know, blah blah blah. But for how I grew to feel about her, I don't think 'hate' is strong enough.

She followed us everywhere. Or should I say, I followed them. I became their third wheel, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get over my jealousy.

Adelina was all over him, 24/7. Draping her hand on his shoulder, holding his hand, touching his arm. They even cuddled on the couch in the living room, right out in the open for me to walk in and see. It hurt. It hurt so bad.

My breaking point would've been if he showed her the crawlspace, _our_ crawlspace, but he didn't. He just showed her everywhere else instead, the places that he and I were supposed to go, together.

*****

On his birthday, he finally convinced his parents to get him a PS4. They drove into town to get one, and when they got back, he and Adelina played that all day. "She has one at her house," he explained. "I've played on theirs before."

I didn't like the implications of him having been over to her house. Of course, at 7th grade, there wasn't much they could do, but there was kissing, and the mere thought of that made me feel sick.

Thankfully, if they kissed at all over the summer, it was not where I could see it. It was a very small mercy.

I didn't want to play on the PS4 - I've never been much of a video game person - so I went for a walk on the beach instead. It was the loneliest walk I've ever been on to this day, and I don't know how I brought myself to do it. As it is, when I was a little way down the beach, I broke down on the sand and cried.

I couldn't bring myself to care about someone seeing me. I just curled up in a ball and cried until I didn't have any tears left to give.

When I headed back up to the house, I wanted Liam to notice. I wanted him to notice my reddened eyes, the dried tear streaks. But he and Adelina were still playing on the PS4, and his gaze didn't even stray from the screen when I walked in.

So I hurried to my room and cried some more.

We didn't spend a single night together that summer. He spent those with her in his room. Or maybe they would go to her room, but I didn't want to think about the specifics.

I changed the blankets and pillows in the crawlspace in case he wanted to hang out some time, but he never did, so I started spending more and more days on my own in there.

At least I had Red for company. His small chirps and loud songs made it easier to pretend I wasn't alone.

*****

We didn't go stargazing on my birthday. I actually spent that with my mom. We went into town to go shopping for the upcoming school year, and surprisingly, I had a lot of fun picking out clothes.

But then we returned to the house, and I was reminded that on my birthday, I would have to watch Liam be with _her_.

So I retreated to my room, hoping to be spared the sight.

I was surprised when, that night, our bathroom door opened and Liam stepped into my room, alone. I eyed him warily as he made his way towards me, eventually sitting next to me on my bed.

"Hey," he said awkwardly. "Look, I know I haven't been the greatest of friends this summer, but ... Are you doing okay?"

I pursed my lips, staring a little past him. I normally wouldn't have had it in me to be honest, but that night, I was feeling bold."No, not really."

He frowned. "What's wrong?"

I finally shifted my gaze to meet him. "We're supposed to be best friends, but I've barely seen you this summer."

It was his turn to purse his lips - he knew exactly what I was talking about. "Lina - "

"I know she's your girlfriend, Liam, but she's monopolizing your time, and I ... I wish that ... I wish we ... " I shook my head. "Never mind. This is stupid. I can't do this. Please ... just leave."

His eyes widened. I had never, never asked him to leave before. We'd never been in a position where it was necessary. "Lina, I - "

"Don't - call me that," I muttered. "You said she hated the nickname, after all."

He looked stricken. "I meant for _her_. She doesn't care what I call you."

I raised my eyebrows. "Are you sure about that?"

Liam's mouth moved for a few seconds as he tried to figure out a way to disagree, but I think he knew I was right. He looked at me helplessly. "Tell me what I have to do to fix this."

_Spend time with me._

_Tell her to go home._

_Stay with me._

_Break up with her._

"Please, just ... just leave."

A look of resignation came over his face, and he stood. "Alright, if that's what you want."

_No, stay._

_Don't go._

I stayed silent. It was hard to resist his green-hazel eyes, but I could do it, because I had to.

Nodding and seeming to accept this, he moved to the bathroom door. Right before he left my room, he turned back for a brief moment. "I ... Happy birthday ... Selina."

*****

He made an effort after that, and I appreciated it, but things just weren't the same. Adelina watched me like a hawk any time I was around her and Liam, which made it increasingly difficult to give her a chance. I wanted to, for his sake, but I didn't know if I could; she certainly wasn't making it easy.

I missed our late nights, our early morning walks on the beach, our board game sessions in the crawlspace. I missed my best friend.

Adelina made him happy, so I settled for that for the moment. But I believed in my heart that there were better things ahead for him and I. I could withstand this until then.

It was like ... He was Adelina's boyfriend or my best friend, but he couldn't be both.

Towards the end of the summer, he spent a little more time with me. He snuck into my room after Adelina went to sleep and hung out with me, like old times. It was a nice change - we played games, talked about life, and just had fun.

It was only a night, though, and when it was over, my best friend was gone and he was back to being Adelina's boyfriend.

My entire being was against this. When the last day of summer came around, I wanted to hug him and hold him close and never let him go. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, how much I would miss him.

But my pride won out, and I decided that if he wanted to be distant, then I would be, too.

So my goodbye to him was a smile and a nod, because I figured he would be too preoccupied with Adelina to care.

Surprisingly, I was wrong. He gave me a concerned glance and looked like he wanted to say something. But he couldn't, because at that point, I was already climbing in my mom's car, refusing to let myself look back.

If I looked back, I knew I wouldn't be able to leave.


	11. 8th Grade

I'll be honest, I stayed petty for a very long time. Me and Liam's conversations went like this:

Hey! How ya doin?

**Ok**

Adelina and I are hanging out tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it

**Cool**

Up to much?

**Nope**

You ok?

**Fine**

I kept my distance from him, never answering more than a few words. He didn't write any letters, so I didn't bother, either. I knew it was incredibly stupid and immature, but I was too proud to let things go back to normal all on their own.

I was lonely, touch starved, and lost. So when Jonathan asked me out, I said yes.

He wasn't bad looking. With his black hair and pale brown eyes, he was actually pretty good looking. Plus, he was nice, funny, and treated me well.

In hindsight, my reasoning was awful. But he was what I needed at the time - at least, what I thought I needed.

I found out that I really like cuddles. Just curling up on the couch with him, his arm around me while we watched movies, was nice. Sometimes, I could even close my eyes and imagine that Liam was the one holding me instead.

I think I knew that what I was doing was wrong, somewhere deep down. But I was so hurt that I convinced myself it was okay, that I truly liked Jonathan. And maybe, a small part of me did. But not a big enough part of me to matter.

Emily and Dara were none the wiser. They fangirled over us, called us cute, insisted on taking a bunch of pictures, and dubbed us "Jolina." I remarked that that reminded me of Angelina Jolie, and that sparked a whole new conversation.

I'm not mad at them, exactly, for not noticing that I was off. It's not their fault - I did a really good job of seeming happy. But I wish they had seen through it. If they had, it would've saved all of us a lot of pain.

Because I didn't need to hear "Oh my gosh you guys are adorable together," I needed to hear "Are you sure about this? Do you really like him in that way?"

At least Dara finally had a phone, so we were able to stay in contact outside of school throughout the year. It was a pleasant change.

My mom came into my room one night and sat on the edge of my bed. "Jonathan's still coming over for dinner tomorrow, right?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, smiling. "We're both really excited."

She pursed her lips, looking at me intently. "Selina, are you ... are you sure this is genuinely what you want?" she questioned. "Everything kind of happened so fast, and after you and Liam - "

"I'm fine," I interrupted. "Jonathan and I are fine. I like him and he likes me. End of story."

She looked incredibly skeptical, but nodded and left my room. I leaned back against my pillows and drew the blankets up to my chin. I remember wondering: if she had to ask, was there a problem after all?

At that point, we were a month away from the end of the school year, and that's when I started questioning things. The next day at school when Jonathan walked in and put his arm around me, I assessed every little detail. How did it make me feel? Did I like it? Did it seem right? I spent so much time coming up with questions that I didn't find answers to any of them.

The problem was that I was in deep. Jonathan and I had been dating for five months, and he seemed to think that was serious. He wanted to kiss me.

I think at that point, I knew I didn't actually like him, but I was afraid of what would happen to us if I broke up with him. I didn't want our friendship to fade away to oblivion, but I also didn't think we were meant to be together in a romantic sense.

I couldn't think of a good excuse, though, so I went with it. He invited me over to his house, and we went to his room. His mom made him keep the door open, which is really cliche, but I was thankful for it.

We hung out for a bit. We played some board games, watched Star Wars: A New Hope, and ate snacks. Then he leaned over and kissed me.

I was taken by surprise. His lips touched mine and it didn't feel right, it felt weird. But I didn't know what to do, so I kissed him back, I guess. And that was it.

I went home and cried. I locked my room door and cried. I don't have an eloquent description for it, because there was nothing graceful about it.

Books and movies make it seem like your first kiss is going to be perfect. It's _supposed_ to be with someone you care about, and someone that cares about you. It's supposed to be magical and right and amazing. Sparks are supposed to fly, and for that moment, everything wrong in your life is suddenly righted.

My first kiss didn't feel that way. It felt like Jonathan had stolen something that was meant for someone else.

I wish it could have lived up to the fantasy painted in romance novels, but it didn't. Reality is not what we wish it was, and sometimes, your first kiss is not perfect at all.

*****

Jonathan wanted to kiss me more and more, but I kept finding ways to get out of it. I arranged sleepovers, made up plans, and overall avoided being alone with him. It seemed to be annoying him, but I felt trapped with no way out. I was backed into a corner, and I didn't know where to go from there.

And then the summer came and I couldn't be more relieved, even if I was super nervous about seeing Liam again. Getting away from Jonathan for two whole months ... Nothing had sounded better in my entire life. I needed an escape from the pit in my stomach, the pit that knew I had made a huge mistake.

The car ride was a reflective one. I thought about some things, and I realized that no matter how distant I had been with Liam this year, he was the one I wanted. We were about to be in high school, for crying out loud. I needed to start it off right, and if that meant figuring out how to fix things between me and Liam, then I would try my best.

When we pulled up to the beach house, the Mallens' car was already in the driveway. My mom glanced at me with a knowing look. "You ready?" she asked.

I knew exactly what she meant. I took a deep breath, unbuckling my seat belt. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready."

My dad brought our bags out of the trunk and we hauled them inside. I glanced around at the house - same as ever. Some things never change, I suppose.

Then footsteps came from the hallway, and Liam rounded the corner and time stilled.

You know that cliche scene in the movies where the love interests make eye contact and kind of freeze? And a look of wonder enters their eyes as they stand there, just looking at each other? Well that was us in that moment.

After a moment, I quickly shook myself free of the stillness and walked over to him, suitcase in hand. "Hey," I said, smiling. "Good to see you."

He seemed to be searching my face, trying to figure me out. I didn't blame him - things had been different between us, and neither of us knew where we stood. But eventually, he let a hesitant smile come to his face. "Hey. Good to see you, too."

We left the bathroom doors open while we unpacked, as always. No words were exchanged, but just being in each others' presence and knowing that we were near each other ... It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I started to notice little things about Liam. The way the right side of his lip curls up when he smiles. The subtle cluster of freckles near his eyes. His face in general, actually.

On the first night, the bathroom door eased open and he stepped inside, Red's cage in hand. I grinned at the sight of my old friend. "Hey, there, buddy," I murmured as the cardinal let out a little chirp. "Long time no see."

Liam lifted a bag of sunflower seeds. "Uh, peace offering?"

I smiled. "Sure."

We settled onto my bed with Red's cage between us. It might have felt like a barrier, but in that moment, it was more like a bridge.

"So," I said apprehensively, "how's Adelina?"

He grimaced. "We, ah ... We broke up."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Wh-What? _Why?_ "

He shrugged. "She wanted to go to some dumb party. I wanted to stay home."

"What was so important that you had to stay home?" I questioned.

Liam averted his gaze. "Talking to you, actually."

I flushed. "I'm guessing she didn't like that very much, did she?"

"Not very much, no."

"Is that when she broke up with you?"

"The next morning," he explained. He cringed. "Over text, actually."

My brow furrowed. "That's kinda a jerk move. You deserve better than that."

His gaze flew to me in surprise, and my eyes widened. I quickly looked away, unable to believe I'd just said that. I'd never been so bold before. What had gotten into me?

Liam sighed. "Yeah, well ... It's over now, I guess."

I fidgeted with my fingers. "Are you ... okay?"

He glanced at me. "You know, surprisingly ... Yeah. I'm actually pretty alright." He watched as I reached into the bag of sunflower seeds and gathered some in my palm. "How about you?"

For some reason, I didn't want to tell him about Jonathan, but I felt the need to be honest. I tilted my head forward as I dropped some of the seeds into Red's feeder. "I, uh ... Jonathan and I, we ... We're dating."

A strange look came over his face. "Oh. Um, okay."

I frowned. "Are you cool with that?"

He was quick to look away. "Y-Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I ... I don't know, I guess."

What I wanted was for him to tell me that he liked me so I could have an excuse to break up with Jonathan. It was selfish - I wanted him to make it easier for me. But break ups aren't meant to be easy.

Turns out I didn't need any help, anyway.

*****

**Hey Jonathan, how ya doin?**

**Jonathan?**

Look, I really didn't want to do this over text, but I don't think this is going to work. This past month, you've been pretty distant. You probably didn't think I'd notice, but I have. I think it's obvious that you like someone else. Whoever he is, he's a really lucky guy, but I won't be your distraction on the side. I deserve better than that, and you deserve to be happy. So this is it. I hope we can still be friends.

I stared at my screen, hardly able to believe my eyes. Sure, I didn't like him anymore, but I didn't expect that I'd be the one to be broken up with, and not over text. "A-Are you _kidding me_?!" I exclaimed. 

Footsteps pounded on tile and the bathroom door swung open. Liam stumbled into my room, looking half asleep. "Lina, what's wrong?"

I was too stunned to question him. "Jonathan just broke up with me over _text_."

Liam rubbed his eyes. His hair was disheveled. "Wow. That's ... I'm really sorry."

I shook my head, still shocked. "No ... Don't be. I wanted to do it, I just didn't know how."

Hesitantly, he walked over and sat beside me on the bed. "Do you ... want to talk about it?"

I sighed. I wasn't sure how to answer that, but ... "I mean, I don't know. I just, thought I'd be the one to do it, you know? It doesn't feel too great."

Liam chuckled. "Yeah, I get that. You and I are kinda in the same boat."

He wasn't wrong on that one.

I glanced at him, weighing whether or not I should ask the question I was thinking. I decided to go for it. "Liam?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you love her?"

It seemed to take him by surprise. His eyes widened, and his mouth moved for a moment before he found his voice again. "I-Wow, okay. Um, no. No, I don't think I did." He bit his lip, which was way more attractive than it should have been. "Did you love him?"

That wasn't even a question. I shook my head. "No. I know I didn't."

We sat in companionable silence for a bit. Then he hesitantly reached out his arm and put it around my shoulder.

I froze for a moment, my muscles locking up. All I could think was "oh my God, Liam Mallen has his arm around me, oh my God what do I do."

After a moment, though, the shock and euphoria wore off, and I relaxed into him, my head settling into the curve of his neck. His breath stirred my hair.

 _This_ was right. _This_ was good. And now that I had it, I didn't ever want to let it go.

*****

The next morning, I was in a better mood than I should have been, for a girl that had just been broken up with. I just didn't feel sad, and I felt like I was justified in that.

Liam and I headed down to the beach early in the morning. Something unspoken had passed between us, and any previous weirdness was gone. We were back to our silly, hilarious, quirky ways, and that was how it should have been the whole time.

He brought his boogie board with him, of course, for old time's sake. His ninth birthday felt like a while ago at the time, but I suppose it was only five years. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a lot at all.

The waves were rough, even I could see that. "Are you sure you want to risk it?" I asked, eyeing a particularly tall one that came crashing down on the sand.

"I'll be fine," he reassured me. "I've been doing this for years, remember?"

"Somehow, that doesn't reassure me."

Still, he headed out into the water, boogie board tucked securely under his arm. I watched anxiously as he rode out the first wave, springing back up on his feet and turning to me as if to say, "Hey, I'm fine."

And for a little while, he was. It was impressive to watch him ride taller waves. It's definitely not something I could do.

But then he wiped out, because being good at something doesn't make you a master of it.

He was hurled up and over the wave, then thrust back down by the force of the water. I was springing to my feet and running towards him before he even hit the sand, panic pulsing through me.

"Oh my God," I exclaimed as I neared. He burst from the surface of the ocean, spluttering and wiping salt water from his eyes. "Oh my God, are you okay?"

"No," he groaned, wincing as he straightened up. "My back ... "

I went on his other side and sucked in a breath through my teeth. His back was completely scratched up, just like when he was nine.

"Come on," I muttered, my hand instinctively going to his side. "Let's get you in the house."

After a moment of not moving, I glanced up at him and realized he was looking at me with conflict in his eyes. I glanced down to where my hand still rested on his bare skin. Pursing my lips, I moved it to his upper arm instead, and we made our way up the beach.

Mrs. Mallen sighed when she saw the damage, but she didn't look entirely surprised. She went to fetch some bandages while I took him to the sitting room for better natural lighting.

"You're hopeless, you know that?" I scolded him. He was sitting on a footstool facing away from me, while I was perched on the edge of the rocking chair right behind him. "I warned you, you know."

"Yeah, I know," he chuckled. "One day, you can tell the story of my scars and how stupid I was."

I reached a hand out, absentmindedly trailing my fingers lightly down his spine. He shivered slightly. "You really think they'll scar?" I murmured.

It took me a second to realize he had tensed up. I quickly withdrew my hand, my cheeks heating up. "S-Sorry, did I hurt you?"

There was a moment of silence from him before he whispered, "No. No, you didn't hurt me."

I was about to question him further when Mrs. Mallen walked in, a pack of bandages in hand. "Here we are," she sighed. I quickly vacated the seat and let her sit down with him, moving to a different chair nearby. "You should be more careful," she told him.

"That's what I said," I laughed. "He really should pay more attention to the women in his life."

I'd been trying to make a joke, but Mrs. Mallen didn't seem to find it very funny. She glanced at me with something like annoyance playing over her features. "Selina, do you mind giving my son and I a moment alone?"

I was surprised by her request. Usually, I was welcome anywhere in the house at any time, no questions asked. "Uh, yeah, sure." I quietly left, feeling confused and slightly hurt.

That night, Liam came to my room. I could see the outline of his bandages through his shirt. "Hey," he said softly. "Sorry about ... earlier. My mom just doesn't like that you were with me when the incident happened."

I raised my eyebrows as he came over to sit on my bed with me. "Why? Does she think I control the waves?" I joked.

He sighed, and I realized he was serious. "She thinks you bring out my wild side," he said.

I bit my lip, and his gaze flickered down to the movement. I decided I was feeling a bit more daring than usual. "And do I?"

Liam's eyelids were lowered a surprising amount, but I had a feeling he wasn't sleepy.

"I don't know," he whispered. "Sometimes, I think you do." Then my best friend leaned down that one inch and kissed me.

While it caught me by surprise, it didn't take long for me to realize that this was different from Jonathan kissing me. I was okay with this - _more_ than okay with this, actually. I quickly kissed him back, my hand instinctively moving to the underside of his jaw. He wrapped a leanly muscled arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him as his soft lips pressed insistently against mine.

Then he pushed me away. It was a rough, panicked shove that had me struggling to catch my balance. 

He instantly scooted to the other side of the bed, gasping. He raked his fingers through his hair, looking agitated. "I - I shouldn't have done that. It was a mistake. I'm, I'm sorry. I ... I have to go."

I watched with no small amount of surprise as he pushed off of the bed and practically ran to the door, slamming it behind him.

I fell back against my bed, gripping the edge of the mattress for support. I was shaking, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

I touched my lips, torn between dancing with joy and crying. Liam had just kissed me.

He didn't seem happy with that, though, considering he told me it was a mistake.

I sighed, turning off my lamp and curling up under my blankets. Red chirped solemnly at me, like he could feel my conflicting emotions.

"Yeah, I know, buddy," I murmured. "I'm not too sure what to do about this."

I took a good long while and thought about some things, laying awake in my bed. I realized that I didn't feel bad the kiss happened, I felt bad that he felt bad.

Because he might have had regrets, but I didn't.

*****

I found him by the beach the following afternoon. He'd avoided me all morning, eating breakfast in his room and staying there to play on his PS4. But when I saw him sitting on the sand, the wind tousling his hair, I decided to approach.

I settled down onto the sand next to him. He shot me a quick glance, then hastily looked away.

"Hey," I said uncertainly. "How are you doing?"

Tension was radiating from him in waves. "I'm ... alright. I guess."

"Can we talk about what happened?"

"Talk about what?"

My fingers curled into the sand, forming deep furrows. "You can't just ... You can't just kiss me and then pretend it didn't happen!"

He turned to me, the frustration clear on his face. "Don't pretend that it's what you wanted!"

My eyebrows shot up. "Ex _cuse_ me?"

"Jonathan just broke up with you. You're confused, so you kissed me to try to forget him."

At that point, I was angry. " _You_ kissed _me_ , if memory serves," I snapped. "And don't tell me how I feel. There's nothing confusing about this. Not for me."

Liam regarded me warily. "So you don't regret it?"

"No." I shot a quick glance in his general direction. "Do you?"

There was a short silence, before he admitted, "No. I don't."

I laid back on the sand, letting my hair splay out. My brown locks were a stark contrast to the pale ground. "So ... What now?"

He sighed, laying down beside me. "We ... talk about it, I guess."

I nodded, my gaze flicking from cloud to cloud in the sky. "I don't know we should start a relationship right away," I said.

He nodded in agreement. 'It would feel kind of disrespectful."

"Yeah, exactly. We should give it time and see how we feel later."

He pushed himself up on his elbows and gazed down at me, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Kissing doesn't count as disrespectful, does it?"

"Easy there, partner," I laughed. "Don't get your hopes up just yet. I think we should take it slow."

"Okay," he said, a lazy smile on his face. "Whatever you're comfortable with."

After a moment of silence, he added, "Let's not ... Let's not mention this to our parents, okay?"

My brows furrowed. "I ... wasn't planning on it. Why?"

"My mom ... probably wouldn't be cool with it."

I thought about what he'd told me in 7th grade: his parents adored Adelina. Would they see me as nothing more than Liam's replacement girl?

Mrs. Mallen's cool annoyance towards me the previous day came to mind. I had a feeling that was my answer.

"Does she not like me?" I asked.

Liam pursed his lips. "She likes you ... but only as my friend. Not anything more."

I snorted. "Why is that?"

"She still holds a grudge against your mom for being involved with my dad when they were younger," he sighed. "It's really dumb, in my opinion, but that's been her thing for years, so ... I don't think there's any changing it."

"They were, like, seventeen when they dated," I said, rolling my eyes. "That was practically forever ago."

"I know, right?" He shook his head. "Like I said, it's dumb, but ... She always thought you and I getting involved would be like a slap in her face or something."

I considered that for a moment. "The daughter of her husband's high school romance dating her son ... You know, come to think of it, that does sound pretty bad."

We both laughed, but when I rolled over, I found myself nearly nose to nose with him. My breath caught as I surveyed his beautiful eyes.

"What?" he asked softly.

I gave him a soft smile. "You just have a really nice face."

Liam smirked - an all-consuming, unfairly attractive smirk. "I know."

There was a brief and peaceful quiet before he asked, “Was that your first kiss?”

In that moment, I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Because I wanted to lie, to block out the truth, to smile and tell him "yes." But I couldn't. I have always been honest with Liam, and that moment was no different.

So I looked him in the eye as I quietly said, "No. No, it wasn't."

He gazed at me with something like understanding, and all I could feel was relief. Relief that there was no judgement, no jealousy, no anger. Just understanding.

"It wasn't mine, either," he told me, in an equally soft voice. "But it was the first that meant something."

Liam carefully slid closer. He glanced at me as if to ask permission, and I nodded.

I leaned into him as he stretched his arm around my shoulder, holding me close. As I sat with him, comforted by his presence, I realized that I felt the exact same way.

*****

We spent the majority of his birthday together. He managed to convince me to play on the PS4 with him, so we did that in his room.

We sat shoulder to shoulder on his bed, our elbows occasionally touching. It brought a smile to my face.

It took me a while to learn all of the buttons on the controller, but once I got the hang of it, it was actually kind of fun. He showed me a game called Overwatch, and he was most definitely better at it than I was.

I played a character named Mercy, a healer. For some reason, Liam laughed when I picked her.

Our parents took us out to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's, where we sat next to each other and subtly held hands under the table.

When we got back home, we headed straight for his room to play on the PS4 some more, earning a glare from Mrs. Mallen. I ignored it, though. Nothing would ruin my good mood. Not this time.

I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t want a relationship right away. I wanted some time for myself to figure out some things and determine how I wanted to proceed with my life. But I cared about him a lot - I still do - and I think a part of me always knew how things would go down between us.

So we spent time together. We made up for the days we lost. We were close like we had never been before, and I couldn’t be more thankful for it.

But all good things come to an end, and everything that falls is destined to break.


	12. 9th Grade

Jonathan and I were not on good terms when we got back to school.

Despite the fact that he broke up with me, he seemed to hold a grudge against me for how things went down.

Emily kind of sided with him, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't salty about it, but Dara was with me, which I appreciated more than ever.

Red, of course, was a constant. I was so, so incredibly grateful for that little cardinal. He greeted me with a jolly chirp when I got home and kept me company throughout the night while I talked to Liam.

Texting Liam became what I looked forward to the most. The transition to high school was an almost unnoticeable one, so we kept each other entertained.

**You wanna know what I heard in the hall today?**

What?

**"Listen buddy, do I look like a peach producing machine? Get your fruit high somewhere else"**

LMAO

WHAT EVEN IS YOUR SCHOOL

**I don't even know anymore**

**The things I hear out of context ... I think I'm scared**

**SCARRED**

**I MEANT SCARRED**

i MeAnT sCaRrEd

**Oh YOU do that thing??**

Duh

Get with the times :p

I tried to tell him as many out of context things as I could remember, because to say there were a lot of them would be an understatement. Senior boys are wild creatures.

I'm not afraid to admit that I looked at a few guys that year. Being in a building with guys who are your age or up is a trap that I was just destined to fall into. Older guys are attractive - and by that, I mean senior guys who have seriously matured and sophomore boys who are a little too attractive to only be a year up.

Dara said it was because it was a new crowd of people other than the ones we'd been stuck with our whole life, and I have to agree. Since I knew the guys in my grade for what they were, and had been shoved into classes with them for years, they had lost their appeal. Going into high school, on the other hand, was a whole new ball game.

Still, even though Trevor the senior class president was handsome and I found Elijah the trumpet player incredibly attractive, Liam is the one I texted every day after school, the guy I stayed up late with on five hour long phone calls. Our constant communication kept me connected to him, and I never really ended up falling for anyone else.

It's kind of crazy, in all honesty. Dara was even surprised by my loyalty to him. "Do you even see the guys around here?" she exclaimed once. But that's the thing - I saw them. I recognized that there were possibilities there, offerings of a more immediate, easy future. I could be with a guy I actually got to see every day, a guy that could hold me and be there with me and be a constant presence.

But when I heard Liam's voice at one in the morning and woke up to good morning texts from him, I knew there was no one else for me.

This was only solidified when we arrived at the beach house that summer.

Because I saw him and all thoughts of Trevor and Elijah or anyone else left my mind.

I'll go ahead and say it - puberty hit Liam like a freight train. He shot up a good foot, give or take, between eighth and ninth grade, and his workouts started to kick in, leaving him with impressively lean muscle.

Now, though, I noticed the small differences.

His jaw was sharper, his facial features a little more defined, his hazel eyes a bit more vibrant. He grinned, and when he said, "Hey, Lina," his voice was noticeably deeper.

It made me wonder if things were noticeably different about me. We were still around an inch apart, so my height couldn't have been terribly alarming. I suppose I've gotten somewhat prettier over the years, but I don't consider myself incredibly beautiful.

Maybe it was my curves - while they have come gradually, they do exist. My mom has always told me I look very mature for my age - a combination of my curves and my height makes it that way. As an eighth grader, I was mistaken for a sophomore/junior - age high schooler multiple times.

Regardless, I hugged him, breathing in his scent. He was wearing a loose gray hoodie (which has stayed with him throughout high school) that smelled of a cozy sofa and soft blankets and a warm fire. It smelled like him, and I reveled in it.

I pulled away and smiled up at him. "Hey yourself," I said. "Shall we unpack?"

I tentatively brought Red's cage out of the backseat and brought him to my room, followed by my suitcase. We kept the door open and talked as we unzipped our suitcases and started taking things out.

"Did Jonathan give you any crap on the last day of school?" he asked.

I smiled to myself, touched that he was concerned. "Nah, not really. He made some harsh-toned comment about how he hoped I would have a good summer, and that was about it."

I could almost see him making a face. "Well, that's his loss. We'll have to have an awesome summer, just to show him up."

The thought made my smile widen. "Sounds good."

After all, we had Instagram accounts at that point.

We collectively made them at the start of 9th grade. At the time, I was close to convincing Liam to get one, but that's besides the point.

I had one, and so did Dara, Emily, and Jonathan. Despite the fact that I didn't seem to be in his good graces, Jonathan followed me, and for lack of a better response, I followed him back.

Therefore, he saw everything I posted.

I updated my story a bunch that summer - almost daily. Mostly pictures of me and Liam, but some of them were silly, like me pulling a ridiculous face with a bag of potato chips near my head.

A part of me felt bad for basically shoving me and Liam's relationship in Jonathan's face, but I was too happy to stop posting, and I wanted the rest of my friends to know what I was up to.

At the same time, I didn't know if he and I were in a relationship. We hadn't exactly defined that yet.

As soon as we were done packing, we headed up to the crawlspace. I instinctively leaned against his chest, and his arm settled around my shoulder.

"Hey," he whispered, his finger toying with a lock of my hair.

"Hey," I whispered, drawing small circles on his lower arm. He reached a hand out and settled it over mine.

He was warm and solid and comforting, and I had missed him so much. So I took a moment to delight in his presence, to be happy that we were together again.

After we had some quality cuddles, we decided to head down to the beach.

For the first time in my life, my mom let me get a bikini. It took a _lot_ of convincing, but she eventually allowed it.

The top was a purple to pink ombre fade with tied straps and a plunging neckline, while the bottom tied at my hips and was a deep black.

Once I changed into it, I stood in my room for a moment, taking a second to look down at my body and admire myself. I am in no way a model, but I am lean enough to be athletic, and the bikini looked really good on me.

When Liam saw me in it, his eyes widened and he jerked his head to the side to look away, his cheeks coloring. I allowed myself a slight grin. He'd never seen that much of me before - it was nice to know that I had this effect on him.

"You look ... " He cleared his throat, still not making eye contact. "You look nice."

I wanted to laugh at how awkward he was being. "You're ridiculous. Let's just get down to the water."

We started the summer off right - building a sand castle. He kept sneaking glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking, and it was adorable. I wanted to call him out on it, but I was enjoying the attention a little too much, I'll admit.

After lunch, we went against each other in Wii Sports in his room (because of course, he convinced his parents to get him a Wii). If he won, he kissed me, and if I won, I kissed him. It was a win either way, and I think we both enjoyed that.

One thing I've always appreciated about Liam is that he never pressures me to do anything, and that was true even back in that summer. I knew he probably wanted more, but then again, doesn't every teenager in a healthy relationship? The good thing about us is that he would never act on that urge unless I wanted him to.

I'll spare you the details of that summer, because I'll be honest, there's nothing about it that stands out to me. We cuddled, played video and board games, hung out in the crawlspace, and splashed around at the beach - every day was a repeated cycle.

Don't get me wrong, I was fine with it. But I had been falling for him slowly for years and was suddenly flying into a free fall. It was difficult to comprehend, and I almost wondered if we were moving too fast.

But things leveled out eventually, and we slid into a comfortable routine. 

Our parents noticed, I know they did. They would sneak glances at each other whenever Liam and I sat a little closer than normal, and more than once we walked in on them having a whisper-y conversation that stopped as soon as they noticed us. So I had a feeling they didn't approve, but I wasn't about to let that stop me.

I brought it up with Liam once while I was tucked against his side. "Have you noticed it as well?" I asked. "The way they tiptoe around us like we're a carton of eggs?"

He nodded solemnly. "Yeah. My mom tried to dissuade me from getting involved with you, actually."

I sat up, feeling alarmed. "What?"

"The day we left, she told me I should stay friends with you and nothing more," he explained, sounding reluctant to elaborate. "I told her that she couldn't tell me who to l - ... " He trailed off and cleared his throat. " ... who to like," he finished. "She was kind of forced to accept that."

I sighed. "It would be a lot easier if our parents were on our sides."

"You're not wrong." He absentmindedly ran his knuckles up and down my arm. "But just look forward to after we graduate. They don't control us at that point."

I bit my lip. After high school ... That felt like a long way away. "You really think we'll make it that far?" I questioned.

He gazed down at me, something like adoration in his eyes. "If you want to break up at some point, I will accept that," he murmured. "But yeah, I have faith in us. Do you?"

I smiled up at him. "Yeah." My grin turned mischievous. "So, we're in a relationship, huh?"

Liam smirked. "Do friends do this?" he asked, then leaned in and kissed me, and I melted into him, happy with his answer.

*****

Liam and I were officially dating, so naturally, I posted about it on Instagram. We took a selfie down by the beach, the sun casting pleasant shadows on our faces, and I captioned it "BF doesn't stand for best friend anymore :)."

Later that night, Jonathan messaged me on Instagram, his preferred method of communication since it allowed him to tell when I was seeing his texts.

So that's the guy you broke up with me for

**Excuse me?**

How long have you known this Liam dude?

**My whole life, actually. Is there a problem?**

It's not right, Selina. You used me

**You kissed me and kept trying to kiss me and stayed with me even though you knew I liked someone else**

**So who used who, Jonathan?**

He left me on read, which I was fine with, but after a few minutes with no response, I ran to where Liam was in his room and cried. He held me tightly in his arms - all I'd been able to get out was Jonathan's name, which made his expression darken in alarming ways.

"It's okay," he murmured, stroking my hair comfortingly. "It's going to be okay."

I fell asleep with my head against his chest, parents be damned. When I woke up, we were a tangle of limbs, so intertwined that I didn't know if I'd be able to move without disturbing him.

I tried, though, slowly extracting one extremity at a time. As I was drawing my leg away from his, though, my knee jostled his thigh, and he blinked awake.

He seemed to realize all at once that we'd gotten tangled up overnight. A heavy blush colored his cheeks, and he drew the blankets around his lower body. "Um - Good morning. I ... I have to take a shower, but ... I'll meet you at the breakfast table."

I watched with confusion as he stumbled to the bathroom door, the blanket still hanging loosely around his hips. "O-Okay," I mumbled. Neither of us ever took showers early in the morning.

In the name of being honest, it took me till lunch time in the crawlspace to put two and two together, and my exclamation of "Oh!" startled him so much that he dropped his fork.

"What?" he asked, worried. "What's wrong?"

I instantly blushed. "I ... Uh, this morning ... I ... get it now."

His cheeks colored as well, and he looked flustered. "Um ... I'm sorry, I can't really help it, but I understand if you're mad - "

I gave his shoulder a light push. "Why on earth would I be mad?" I snorted. "Anyway," I continued, before he could continue on with the subject, "what's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"Something's bothering you. It's written all over your face."

He let out a light laugh, one that was so clearly fake. "I'm just mad at Jonathan for making you cry."

"No," I persisted. "It's more than that. You're upset about something. Genuinely upset."

A grim look came over his face. "Okay." He drew his hands over his face. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. Red got out of his cage."

I opened my mouth to say something, but no sound came out. After a few seconds of struggling to produce noise, I managed to say, "What?"

"His cage door was left open," Liam murmured. "My dad saw him hopping around the backyard this morning before vanishing into the trees."

I heard the words he wasn't saying. _You left his cage door open. It's your fault he's gone._ Even if he wasn't angry about it, it's still what he was thinking.

I had a hard time accepting that Red was gone. I waited and waited to see a flash of color at the edge of my vision, but it never came.

What a strange thing - to imagine that something that once depended on you was suddenly free and in control of its own destiny. You no longer had a say in its life - you couldn't weigh in on its fate anymore.

I wonder if that's how Jonathan saw me: a creature he once had in a cage, now free and no longer under his control. Was I only ever a pet to him?

Liam helped me through the process - he was just as torn up about it as I was. The house suddenly seemed incredibly quiet without Red's little chirps and pleasant songs. I missed him, but I tried to imagine that he was living a better life as a wild cardinal.

"He's not the little guy that washed up on the beach a few years ago," Liam murmured to me one day, as we ate potato chips and binge-watched Vampire Diaries. "He's an adult cardinal now, and I think you and I have always known that he belongs out there."

I gazed out the window, wondering where he was. If he was still nearby, or if he was off to see greater sights. Sights that would be forever unavailable to me due to my stupid human feet stuck on the ground.

It's something I thought about often - how fragile the mortal body is. I'm thinking about it even more now, of course, but ... At the same time, I don't think I would want to live forever. I wouldn't want to be in a world without the people I love, and Liam ... Well. A handful of years with him will always mean more than a thousand lifetimes without.


	13. 10th Grade

I don't know what exactly went on over the summer, but when we got back to school, Jonathan and Emily were together.

There they were on the first day of school, all lovey-dovey, holding hands and laughing together as they walked through the front doors. I stared at them as they got closer, hardly able to believe my eyes.

I wasn't jealous, that's for sure. I felt nothing for Jonathan. But it felt like a slap in the face for Emily to date him without even saying anything to me.

She made eye contact with me as they passed, smirking a tiny triumphant smirk, and I felt a tiny piece of my heart crack and turn to ice.

Neither of them spoke to me and Dara for the rest of the year, and it hurt. Before everything, Jonathan and I had been friends, and it broke my heart that we lost that. I used to value his company, and our enthusiastic fandom chats were an invaluable part of my day.

But I looked at this version of him and came to terms with the fact that he was different from the sweet, Star Wars-loving boy I met in 6th grade.

At some point, he had become someone else, and the worst part is that I wanted to give him another chance. I wanted to believe that the boy who was my partner in science class was still in there, that he was still the same person.

As sophomore year progressed, though, that idea was shut down.

He was cold towards me, completely ignoring me in the hallways and in the cafeteria. He and Emily sat with the other semi-popular kids at lunch and in the mornings, thus ignoring me even more. Jonathan left passive aggressive comments on my Instagram posts (for example, I posted a picture of me and Dara at a sleepover and he commented "Hope you're not betraying anyone else's trust while you're together :)").

Liam, who finally got an Instagram account after much convincing, saw these comments and texted me with concern.

Is everything ok?

**Jonathan's just being an ass. Nothing out of the ordinary**

I thought you two were still friends?

**He and Emily got together over the summer and now they're both ignoring me**

I'm so sorry Lina

Are you ok?

**Yeah**

**It's like**

**I don't miss him, I miss the person I thought he was**

Yeah I get that. It was the same for me with Gavin and Cooper

**And as for Emily, I trusted her a lot**

**I don't know which one hurts more**

Do you want to call tonight?

**Yeah that'd be nice**

So it was back to me and Dara, the unlikely pairing of an academic genius and a street smart nature girl. She and I have come a long way from where we met when we were seven, so I was more than okay with her company, but it got lonely sometimes. I missed our group girl nights and talks around the table and discussing which boys we found cute. I missed feeling like a normal friend group.

I wished, most definitely not for the first time, that Liam was there with me. One glare from him would send Jonathan running.

That's one of the things I noticed was wrong with me and Jonathan's relationship after it was over: he used to tease me for being tall.

It's not like he was super mean about it, but I asked him to stop and he didn't. Now, I realize he was just taking out his own insecurities on me.

He wasn't short, by any means, but I was fairly tall in 8th grade - 5'7.5", to be exact. By the time 10th grade came around, I was 5'9.75", which meant that Liam was closer to 5'11". Jonathan would no doubt find him intimidating, and the thought of that made me smile.

Tenth grade was a slight struggle. The homework was piled on with renewed vigor, and it mildly stressed me out. But I got through it somehow, because that's high school for you: it feels awful in the moment, but you push on through, and when it's over, you realize that it wasn't too bad.

At last, summer came, and when we got to the beach house, I flew right into Liam's arms. My mom watched on with a slight smile, while Mrs. Mallen was frowning and Mr. Mallen had his lips pursed. My dad walked past without saying a word.

Usually, that stuff doesn't get to me, but in that moment, it felt terrible. Here I was, reuniting with my boyfriend after almost a year of not seeing him, and all of the adults around us seemed to have some opinion about it.

"It's my relationship," I wanted to tell them. "You don't get to shove your opinions on me, not when it comes to this." Because parents should be allowed to give advice and wisdom from years of experience, but they should not be allowed to weigh in on every single aspect of your relationship.

But I didn't say that, because it would only add to the list of reasons, in Mrs. Mallen's mind, for why Liam and I shouldn't be together.

"Good to see you, Lina," he laughed. "Come on, let's get your stuff inside."

This time, instead of leaving the door open and unpacking at the same time, we both stayed in one room and helped the other unpack. I turned it into a challenge, though, when I came up behind him while he was sorting his shirts and slid my hands slowly around his torso.

He stayed still for a brief moment, and I could almost hear the smile spreading across his face. "Oh, so is _that_ how it's gonna be?" he murmured.

After that, we each made immense attempt to distract each other during the unpacking process. While he pulled things out of his suitcase, I did as much as I could (and was comfortable with) to get a reaction from him.

I kept it strictly from the waist up, letting my fingers drift up and down his side, his arms, and his shoulders. At certain points, he tensed up and seemed like he was going to waver, but he managed to move seamlessly enough despite my efforts.

Then, it was on to my room, and I knew he was going to bring his best.

And he did. While I took out my bathroom supplies, my back turned to him, he sidled up behind me.

I felt his feather light touch start at my shoulder, slowly sliding down my arm to my elbow. A strong tingle followed his fingers down their path, as he shifted to my waist and gradually moved towards my hip.

I licked my lips anxiously but managed to keep my hands steady as I took out my Ziploc bags and spun gracefully out of his grasp, sashaying over-dramatically to the bathroom.

He followed me, ever the persistent one, and as I stood at my side of the counter, placing my toothpaste and mouthwash to the left of the sink, he leaned in close, pressing his lips against the underside of my jaw.

I couldn't help it - I gasped, and he knew he had me.

I turned around and found myself face to face with him, barely an inch apart. We moved at the same time, meeting in a desperate, I-missed-you-so-much kiss that sent me stumbling against the edge of the counter. He slid his fingers into my hair and drew his other arm around my waist, pulling me closer.

"Selina? Are you in your room?"

We immediately sprung apart at the sound of my mom's voice. I frantically smoothed down my hair and Liam darted into his room, swiftly closing the door a split second before my mom poked her head around the corner.

"Oh, there you are," she smiled. I hoped she couldn't see my slight blush. "How is the unpacking going?"

"Um, fine," I said. "I'm just starting on my bathroom stuff."

"Okay, sounds good. I just wanted to let you know that lunch will be ready in five minutes."

"Okay, thanks. Love you."

She left, and as soon as I heard my bedroom door close, I fell back against the wall, struggling to catch my breath and process what just happened.

When I composed myself and headed out to the dining room table, Liam was already sitting there in his usual spot. He shot a small smirk my way as I approached, and I quickly cast my gaze aside, sliding into the seat across from him.

A few years prior, I definitely wouldn't have seen myself being this bold, but somehow, I had bettered myself because of him. I was strong and confident and I knew it, and it was awesome.

For his birthday, we went out to a fancy restaurant. There were twinkly lights strung up all around the wooden posts, casting a soft glow across all of us.

It was evening, and the sun was starting to dip below the horizon. I watched with a gentle fascination as the light played over his face, igniting his already bright eyes.

He caught me looking at him and grinned. A challenge.

I wore some make up for the occasion - natural eyeshadow and thin black liquid eyeliner. It made me feel a bit more confident; I straightened up and looked right back at him, raising one eyebrow (a trick that I picked up from hours of standing in front of my bathroom mirror practicing).

He eventually broke eye contact, and I smiled to myself, glad for the win.

The food was delicious. I had steak, mashed potatoes, and a slice of cheesecake, with strawberry lemonade to drink. We laughed and chatted all throughout the meal, and when it was over, I was more than full.

On our way back, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, we were pulling into the driveway.

As we exited the car, Liam caught my eye and tapped his phone with one finger. When we got inside, I checked my own device and saw a text from him:

Meet me in the backyard in thirty minutes

I waited with giddy anticipation as the time ticked by. Our parents were settled into bed in their own rooms, and the house was quiet by the time I snuck out of my room and quietly opened the back door.

As I stepped into the backyard, I almost laughed at the setup Liam had concocted. He had strung some cheap fairy lights around the surrounding trees. A picnic blanket was laid out on the grass, complete with pillows. On the edge of the blanket were two glasses of lemonade and a bowl of chocolate covered strawberries.

He looked up as I approached, a grin spreading across his face. He got to his feet and dipped low in an elegant bow. "My lady," he said. "Welcome to our moonlit feast."

I glanced up at the sky with amused skepticism. The only thing illuminating the darkness were the stars. "I don't know about that moon," I laughed. "But I'll take a feast."

We settled down on the blanket, and he brought the bowl of strawberries between us. I plucked one between my thumb and forefinger and took a bite. "Mmm. That's delicious."

I looked up and met his eyes, which were bright and dark at the same time. "I'm glad you're enjoying," he murmured.

He handed me a glass of lemonade, and I took a sip, glancing up at the sky as I did so. "It's a beautiful night," I sighed.

"You're beautiful," he replied.

"That's really cliche."

"Doesn't mean it's not true."

I felt flattered by his sweet words and warm smile. I hadn't bothered to take my make up off, and I suddenly felt a bit ridiculous about it. Even if it made me feel nice, I didn't need it around him. He made me feel like I was my own star, shining brighter than anyone else in the world.

I took another strawberry from the bowl and looked him in the eyes as I took a slow, savory bite. His gaze flickered to my lips, and I resisted a smile.

Luckily, though, he and I had the same thing in mind: just a nice, wholesome picnic under the stars. So instead of kissing (or making out, if you want to be technical about it), we just ate strawberries and enjoyed each other's company beneath a moonless sky, because sometimes, that's better than anything else.

The next morning, though, was complicated, because I jolted awake to my mom shaking my shoulders.

"Selina Esme Rose, what the hell were you thinking?" she half-yelled. I sat up so fast our foreheads almost slammed together. "We've been looking for you for twenty minutes and here you are, sleeping in the backyard!"

My dad put a hesitant hand on her shoulder. "Marie - "

" _No_!" she said sharply. "I want an explanation!"

I looked around to see that Mr. and Mrs. Mallen were present as well, and both of them were glaring at me with something akin to hatred.

Beside me, Liam started to stir with all of the noise. I was beyond grateful that we hadn't fallen asleep tangled up like we had last summer, but this still looked pretty bad.

"Lina?" he mumbled. "What's going on?"

"Um ... Could you just ... ? Wake up? For a sec?"

He blinked awake, alarm registering on his face as he took in the adults. He sat bolt upright, scrambling to his feet. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you guys doing here?"

"You weren't in your rooms this morning," Mrs. Mallen said in a clipped tone. "We thought you'd run off." She eyed me up and down. "Though I see you might as well have."

Liam scowled at the way she was looking at me, but I was the one who spoke. "With all due respect, Mrs. Mallen, we didn't do anything," I said calmly. "We had a little picnic to celebrate his birthday and ended up falling asleep."

She sneered - she actually sneered - at me. "How are we supposed to believe that?"

Now, I don't think Liam normally would've said what he said, but in that moment, we were both angry and not thinking straight. "If we had, I think we'd have a lot less clothes on right now!" he exclaimed.

Everyone stared at him in surprise, even me. He cast a challenging gaze at the adults. "I'm sick of you guys trying to control us. If I like Selina and she likes me, then I'm going to be with her." He extended his hand to me. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Under normal circumstances, I would've asked him a few things. "Where are we going?" and "Is this a good idea?" for instance. But at the moment, I was too angry and proud to question it. I took his hand and together, we started walking towards the house.

"Where do you think you're going?" Mrs. Mallen spluttered. "This discussion is _not_ over!"

"There's nothing you can do to stop me," he called.

"Watch me!" she screamed.

I think that was the moment I realized not all was well between them. Between his sudden burst of rebellion and the pure fury in her voice, there was no way their relationship was healthy. I have a hard time thinking about the fact that I never noticed it before, but in that moment, it hit me like a bucket of ice to the face.

So I followed him into the house without question, letting him lead me to the front of the house and out the door.

"What exactly did you have in mind?" I asked incredulously.

"I was just gonna take a stroll down the beach. If you're not comfortable with it, we don't have to," he said earnestly. "I just felt like a get away is what we both need right now."

After a moment of hesitation, I nodded my agreement.

I felt a little bad for leaving our parents behind, but I suppose it's what they should have expected. Everyone knows that telling teenagers what to do makes them do the complete opposite.

And that's what Liam and I did - we headed down to the beach with a carefree spring in our step, the wind tossing my hair about. Liam's hair wasn't quite long enough to get windswept, but it still managed to look messy in a deliberate way.

"Your mom hates me, doesn't she?" I said softly, the sand curling up beneath my toes as we walked.

"No, it's me she's mad at," Liam sighed. "She hates that she doesn't have a say in every single choice I make. Makes her feel like she's not in control - which, she isn't." He frowned. "I don't know about your mom, though. She seemed pretty mad."

I grimaced at the thought of the storm that awaited me whenever we got back. "Yeah. I'm not too sure what to do about that. She always seemed to be the one who was at least a little okay with us."

He shook his head. "I just don't get why they care so much. I understood my mom's petty jealousy at first, but this ... This is a whole new level."

I glanced down at our hands, which were still intertwined as we started walking parallel to the ocean waves. "I ... Are you sure you want to do this, Liam?"

As often as he uses my nickname, I rarely call him by name unless it's to get his attention, so this immediately drew his concern. "What do you mean?" he asked, stopping to face me.

I toed the sand around my feet, watching the lines that formed as a result. "I don't know ... Do you really think all of this is worth it?"

"Of course I do," he said fervently, his brow furrowing. "Don't you?"

I sat down at the shore, drawing my knees up to my chest. My dolphin necklace clinked against my leg. "I don't know," I murmured as he sat down beside me. "I want to be with you, I just don't know if this is the right way to do it."

It's sad, really. Childhood friends should have the easiest time at being in love. But sometimes, not everyone agrees, and things get complicated.

He took my hand, clasping it between both of his. "Lina, I'm more than willing to fight for you," he whispered. "I always have been."

He leaned forward and kissed me, his lips soft and reassuring against mine. I kissed him back, tears welling in my eyes that I was glad he couldn't see. It should have been a promise, but it felt more like a goodbye.

*****

I won't bother with the nitty gritty details of what happened when we went back to the house. Needless to say, our parents were furious, Mrs. Mallen most of all, but we sat down and had a nice talk, and at the end of the day, they agreed to let me and Liam be as long as we didn't sneak out of the house at night.

Not that that stopped us. We still snuck out to the backyard from time to time, we were just more careful about it. We didn't lay down for more than a few minutes and kept ourselves wide awake with delicious food and drink.

For my birthday, we went to a bowling alley; there was one not too far from my actual house, and the mood happened to strike me, so we went.

I wore a flowy white racerback tank top and black leggings - comfortable clothes to bowl in - and brought my jacket along just in case it got cold (hey, you never know what the inside of a building is gonna be like).

We got two lanes: one for the parents and one for Liam and I to compete just against each other. In an effort to give us some space, our parents booked a lane that was four down from ours, providing some semblance of privacy.

It wasn't much, but they were trying, which was more than I'd expected, so we went with it.

My mom gave me money to get food, so Liam and I went up to the counter to get some pizza. The guy at the counter was in his early to mid twenties, and as soon as he looked me over in that slow, creepy way, I knew it was going to be trouble.

Now, I definitely don't look like a full grown adult, and I didn't back then. But though I was almost sixteen at the time, I probably could've passed for eighteen at least, and the same for Liam.

I don't know if the guy assumed Liam and I weren't dating or if he just didn't care, but he leaned over the counter a bit further than necessary and flashed me a predatory grin. "Hey, sweetheart, what can I get for you?"

My fists clenched at the name, but I hid my annoyance well. "A large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, hoping that would be all.

But his grin widened, and not in a pleasant way. "Are you sure that's _all_ I can get you?"

Just as my distress levels were starting to rise, Liam stepped up beside me and put a protective hand on my shoulder. "That's all," he said firmly.

The guy narrowed his eyes. "Who are you, her boyfriend?"

"Yeah, actually," Liam said tightly. "Is there going to be a problem?"

The guy seemed to stew for a second, but after a few moments of Liam's determined glare, he relented, shoving away from the counter to retrieve a pizza.

Liam squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. "Are you okay?" he whispered. I nodded silently, unable to conjure words.

The guy returned to the counter with a box of pizza. "Here," he said venomously. "That'll be $25."

I frowned. "It says $20 on the sign."

"Five dollars for the trouble you caused," he said smugly. He looked to Liam. "I hope she puts out well."

Liam lurched forward, but I caught his shoulder and pulled him back. "Come on, let's just go," I muttered, snatching the box from the counter and dragging him away.

"Do you have to deal with this crap all the time?" he asked as we made our way back to our lane.

"It's not usually that bad," I sighed. "But yeah. College age guys tend to be a little too confident sometimes."

His face darkened. "I wish I could be with you," he sighed, scowling. "I hate that you have to deal with stuff like this on your own."

I rubbed my thumb reassuringly on the back of his hand. "It's okay. It's not your fault."

Luckily, we enjoyed the rest of the day. The pizza was delicious, and bowling was really fun. We played four games and each won two, so no true winner was decided. He got me a pizza charm necklace from the gift shop, his fingers brushing my skin as he clasped it around my neck.

That night, we snuck upstairs to the sitting room and had a Stranger Things season 2 marathon while we cuddled. I nearly screamed when Mike walked down a different hallway than Eleven, but I managed to restrain myself for the sake of not waking anyone up.

It was, overall, a good day. The positive far outweighed the negative, and if you've ever spent your entire day with someone you love, you know exactly what I mean. Being around a person who fills you with happiness has a tendency to make you happy.

We were careful to return to our own rooms as soon as we started getting sleepy, but we texted each other for a while after. We fell asleep on our phones, and when I woke up, he had texted me a few hearts good morning.

At that time, we were kind of dancing around the "I love you." I have a feeling we were both already emotionally there, but neither of us was willing to be the first to say it.

He and I might not always be together. In fact, 5/6 of our year is spent apart from each other. But somehow, we've managed, and I love him for not giving up on me.

So even if we didn't say the words, we felt them. It was obvious in the way we looked at each other, I think, our eyes still filled with a childlike wonder.

As the summer drew to a close, we spent more and more time by the beach, whether it was relaxing together on a towel in the shade of an umbrella or getting into splash fights way out in the water. We were summer children at our finest, and I wouldn't have it any other way. You haven't lived if you haven't felt sand beneath your toes and accidentally sucked ocean water up your nose.

Bet you thought that was gonna end eloquently, didn't ya? Sorry to disappoint.

That summer was the most difficult departure to date. We spent just about every second of the last day together, and the next morning, there was a great feeling of dread in my heart.

It felt like forever till I'd get to see him again. Red wasn't there, something that had become a tradition between us. Soon we would be back to texting and calls, which was nice but not the same as face to face contact. I was more attached to him than ever and we were about to be torn apart once again.

I don't know what it was that made me feel so uneasy about leaving him. Maybe after a summer of being his official girlfriend, I was worried of how we would hold up when we weren't actually together. But I had a really hard time letting him climb into his car, and watching him drive away, actual tears welled in my eyes, something that had never happened before.

"It's gonna be okay, sweetie," my mom said, smiling reassuringly from the driver's seat. "You'll be seeing him before you know it."


	14. 11th Grade

It turns out that when my mom said "you'll see him before you know it," she meant it; Mrs. Mallen and Liam flew down to Dawsonville for my Homecoming.

It was the biggest surprise of my life. Friday afternoon, I came home from school to Liam sitting on the living room couch.

I stared at him for a moment, attempting to comprehend what I was seeing, then let out an inhumanly high pitched screech and vaulted into his arms.

He laughed, and I noticed that his voice sounded slightly deeper. "Hey, Lina," he smiled. "Glad to see me?"

I pulled away, grinning like a madwoman. "Yes! But what are you doing here?"

He glanced questioningly at my mom, who nodded. Looking back to me, his smile widened even further. "I'm taking you to Homecoming."

It was also the best surprise of my life, not just the biggest.

They stayed for dinner, then left to spend the night in the local hotel. I locked myself in my room as soon as they were gone and called Dara.

"Oh. My. God!" I squealed. "Daraaaaaaaa, he's here!!"

"What? Slow down, who are you talking about? Who's here?" she questioned, sounding immensely confused.

"Liam!" I squeaked, still hardly able to believe it. "He's taking me to Homecoming, you're gonna meet him tomorrow!"

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed, and I had to shift the phone away from my ear. "SERIOUSLY??"

"I know!!!"

We stayed on the phone for about an hour before she decided to go to sleep. I stayed up for a little while longer texting Liam.

**I can't believe you're in the same town as me and it's not summer**

I know ^_^

I'm glad I am

**Same here**

**How long are you staying?**

Through the weekend

I was thinking on Sunday maybe you could show me the town? ;)

**A winky face? Whatever did I do to earn that?**

You can pay me back with a dance tomorrow (?)

**I was already planning on it :)**

**I can't wait to see you**

I know you're going to look beautiful

You always do

**Dara is planning on coming over before the dance**

**I can't wait for you to meet her**

**She's going to love you**

Sounds good :)

I'd better get some rest

See you tomorrow?

**See you tomorrow <3**

My dress was gorgeous. The top was beaded white and sleeveless, while the skirt started shorter in the front and was floor length in the back, falling around my legs in shimmery blue waves.

I paired it with low white heels and my dolphin necklace, which went nicely with the blue in my dress. Dara came over early and we applied our make up together.

"I can't believe I'm about to meet your boyfriend," she laughed as we stood leaning over the counter, our various make up palettes and brushes spread out everywhere. "You look so frickin good."

"So do you," I laughed, sneaking a glance at her flowing navy blue dress while I swept a thin layer of highlighter over my cheekbones. "I just hope you guys get along."

"I think we will," Dara said, fluffing up her collar length black hair. "From what you described, he sounds like a really awesome guy."

At that precise moment, the doorbell rang. After a few seconds, my mom called up the stairs, "Sweetie! Liam's here!"

Squealing with excitement, I added one last sweep to my eyeliner, then put the cap back on the brush and raced downstairs. Dara was right on my heels, fabric swishing dangerously close to her feet.

Liam met us in the entryway, and when he saw me, a gentle smile spread across his face, warm and sweet. "I knew you'd be beautiful," he said softly, and I knew the sparkle in his eyes was just for me.

He looked absolutely gorgeous. His appearance was pretty traditional - a black and white suit with black loafers and well combed hair. But no one had ever worn it better than he did that night.

He handed me a small box with a golden flower pattern on the lid, and when I opened it, a beautiful corsage sat inside. It was a red rose with silver and gold ribbon, and I loved it. He tied it around my wrist, and as he did so, he shifted his attention to Dara.

"You must be Dara," he said, smiling. "I've heard so much about you!"

"Good things, I hope," she laughed. "I've heard a lot about you, too."

Liam's gaze flickered to mine, a hint of mischief entering his expression. "Good things, I hope."

"You're both ridiculous," I said, rolling my eyes playfully. "Yes, of course it's good things. What on earth could I possibly have to say about you guys that would be bad?"

He seemed to consider this, finishing up the knot. "Well, there was that one time - "

"Stop!" I exclaimed, holding my hands out in front of me like a barrier. "Don't say it! We agreed _never_ to speak of that again!"

Dara looked between us curiously, the whisper of a knowing smile on her face. She seemed intrigued by the way we behaved around each other, but hey, that's what happens when you've known each other your whole lives.

My mom stepped into the room, looking apologetic. "Sorry to intrude, but I just wanted to give you this ... "

She handed me a boutonniere for Liam; it was a red rose, in a similar style as my corsage.

"Mom," I started.

She shook her head. "Don't worry about it," she said gently. "We've been planning this for a while now."

I eyed the two of them warily. "So you've both known about this?"

Liam grinned. "It was so hard keeping it a secret. You won't believe how many times I almost spilled."

"Just hold still," I grinned, stepping close to him to pin the boutonniere onto his lapels. "There. Now we match."

"You guys are adorable," Dara gushed, beaming at me. "Come on, let's put our shoes on and grab our purses."

We did just that, and afterwards, we piled into my mom's car and drove to Homecoming.

I was a bundle of nerves the whole way there. I had failed to think about it up until the car ride, but it suddenly came to mind: Liam being in the same space as Dara was great and all, but it also meant he would be in the same space as Jonathan.

My clasped fingers tightened at the thought of a possible confrontation. Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that. I wanted the night to go smoothly.

Sure, it wasn't my first Homecoming, but it was my first Homecoming _with_ someone. And especially because that someone was Liam, I wanted things to be perfect.

When we reached the school, we climbed out of the car and my mom bid us farewell before driving off. Liam and Dara each took one of my arms, and we headed into the school building.

The whole gym was awash in color, the result of multiple rotating lights. As we entered, I took a moment to marvel at all of the beautiful dresses that other girls were wearing.

"We look better than all of them!" Dara declared.

Liam laughed. "I like this one." That seemed to please her; she clapped her hands together excitedly before proceeding.

Naturally, we went for food first. I heaped chicken and mashed potatoes onto my plate before grabbing a glass of water and following Liam to a table, Dara right behind me.

We talked while we ate our food, and it was almost surreal to see the way they got along. I wasn't concerned about anything - I trusted him, and I knew he cared about me - I was just glad that my friend and my boyfriend seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company. It was a dream come true, being able to spend time with both of them at once, and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it. A few days ago, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. Now, it was like my two different worlds were colliding, and the impact was sending showers of beautiful sparks flying over us.

Once we were done eating, we mingled with the crowd, laughing and having a good time. The music was pretty good; we danced a little, but I was a bit more on the shy side of things.

Unfortunately, Jonathan decided to disrupt the peace. As soon as I saw him coming, I instinctively grabbed Dara's arm. When she followed my line of sight, she scowled. "Does he _have_ to?"

Liam picked up on my distress and frowned, putting a reassuring hand on my elbow. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Jonathan," I mumbled, and then he was on us.

It didn't help that he had Emily on his arm. She looked really pretty, in a black and white dress with a full face of make up. She gave me a venomous smile, but it was Jonathan who spoke. "Hey, guys," he said, grinning. He looked at Liam. "So you're the side dude."

Liam bristled. "Actually, I'm her boyfriend," he said coolly. "And you're not, so I would suggest backing off."

Jonathan raised his eyebrows. "So he has fight in him, huh? I see why you like him."

Apparently the situation was a bit too tense for Emily; she tugged on Jonathan's arm, her lip pushed outward in a pout. "Come on, let's go. I'm thirsty again." But he didn't listen, standing his ground and scowling at my boyfriend.

Focusing in on Emily, Liam said, "How does it feel to know your boyfriend is still hung up on another girl and only dated you to get back at her?"

I struggled to hold in the burst of laughter that wanted to arise, because _wow_. Jonathan looked outraged by this and opened his mouth to protest, but I think Emily must have dug her fingers into his arm, because he winced in pain before stalking away.

"That. Was. Awesome!" Dara gasped, doubling over with laughter.

I quickly followed her, my stomach burning with how hard I was giggling. "Oh my God, the look on her _face_!"

Liam looked at us quizzically. "This is amusing?" he questioned.

" _Yes_!" I exclaimed, taking deep breaths to regain my composure. "You are the _best_."

He grinned. "Yeah, I guess I am."

And then a slow dance song came on - I Get to Love You by Ruelle. Liam glanced at me with a silent question.

I immediately looked to Dara, who gave me a knowing smile and said, "I'm gonna go get another glass of water," walking away right after. Honestly, she is such a blessing. I'm lucky to have a friend like her in my life; I know not many people do.

His right hand settled just above my hip, and I moved my left hand so that my fingers curled lightly around his shoulder. Our other hands clasped, his palm warm against mine.

The look in his eyes was time-stopping. So many emotions flickered within them, every good memory we had together swirling in their stunning hazel depths. In that moment, I didn't know how there had ever been a time when I denied my feelings for him.

_One look at you_  
_My whole life falls in line_  
_I prayed for you_  
_Before I called you mine_

"I'm so glad I'm here with you," I murmured as we swayed. The lights had been changed to one color and slowed, so that gentle blue circles were wandering lazily over the crowd.

_Oh I can't believe it's true sometimes  
Oh I can't believe it's true_

"I know," he smiled. "Being able to share this with you means more than anything else in the world."

_I get to love you_  
_It's the best thing that I'll ever do_  
_I get to love you_  
_It's a promise I'm making to you_

"Hey, there's always prom," I said jokingly, but I was slightly surprised to see his eyes turn serious.

_Whatever may come, your heart I will choose_  
_Forever I'm yours_  
_Forever 'I do'_  
_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_

"Maybe not this year, but next year," he said. He grinned at the shock on my face. "What? It'll be our senior year. I think we deserve to spend the end of it together, don't you?"

_The way you love_  
_It changes who I am_  
_I am undone_  
_I thank God once again_

"That would be really nice," I whispered. I could already picture it: Liam and I dancing at prom, me in the most elegant dress and him in an immaculate suit, the music fading away as we looked only at each other. "You really think we'll last that long?"

_Oh I can't believe it's true sometimes  
Oh I can't believe it's true_

"I think we can last for however long we want to," he replied. "If that means till next year or beyond, then I'm more than fine with it."

_I get to love you_  
_It's the best thing that I'll ever do_  
_I get to love you_  
_It's a promise I'm making to you_  
_Whatever may come, your heart I will choose_  
_Forever I'm yours_  
_Forever I do_  
_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_

"Okay," I whispered. It reminded me of the whole Fault in Our Stars thing, but unlike in that story, in that moment, I felt like things might end up okay. I felt like the stars weren't crossed, they were aligned, and Liam and I would be able to walk into the sunset. I felt like maybe the rest of high school would be bearable if I had a life with the boy I loved to look forward to at the end.

_And they say love is a journey_  
_I promise that I'll never leave_  
_And when it's too heavy to carry_  
_Remember this moment with me_

He leaned in closer, so much so that I could feel the ghost of his touch. "I love you, Selina," he murmured.

_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_  
_I get to love you_

A smile curled at my lips. I had been feeling that way for a long time, and I know he had been, too. "I love you, Liam," I breathed, and the words felt more right than anything else.

*****

The next day, we toured some of the town. Liam and I mainly led the way, while our moms trailed a little ways behind us. He would sometimes sweep me behind big displays and kiss me, then continue skipping along before the adults realized what had happened. After a while, I started doing it to him, too.

When they left on Monday morning, I was sad, of course, but I had renewed faith in our relationship. I didn't just _hope_ we'd be able to last till the end of high school; I _knew_ we would.

Fate did try to throw a wrench in my plans, though, and that wrench was named Cole Westgate.

Life is full of temptations - free chocolate samples, Bath & Body Works sales, Buy One Get One 50% off deals, and all of that alluring jazz. Well, Cole Westgate was my biggest temptation in high school, and he did his job pretty damn well.

We ended up in the same science class and were assigned as lab partners. He was the new kid in school, and on the first day of class when he looked at the seating chart and headed towards me, I knew I was in for it.

For me, there are four adjectives that I use to describe attractive guys: there's cute (Finn Wolfhard), hot (Shawn Mendes), handsome (Paul Wesley), and gorgeous (Cole Sprouse). Liam, for example, is a cross between cute and hot.

Well, Cole Westgate was 100% hot, and every girl in the class knew it. In fact, when he sat down next to me and gave me a small smile in greeting, I felt fifteen pairs of jealous female eyes searing into my back.

It was understandable, though. He was a stereotypical hot soccer player, with brown hair swept across his forehead and light tan skin to match the time he spent outside. He was just about the same height as me, maybe a fraction of an inch taller.

My mistake was not telling him I had a boyfriend.

I don't know, I didn't want to be that girl that sees a guy looking at her and snaps, "I have a boyfriend!" But in hindsight, doing that probably would've saved me a lot of time and trouble.

In my experience, guys tend to be interested in girls that wear make up. If I ever wear make up, it's just mascara and natural eye shadow, so I honestly didn't expect him to be interested in me. But from day one, he showed signs of curiosity, and I didn't know how to handle it at first.

Because I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to unnecessarily hurt another's feelings, I allowed us to become friends. I introduced him to Dara, who, after giving him a look up and down, shot me a look that oozed disapproval.

I knew it was far from okay, believe me. I don't need you tell me that it was wrong, because I am well aware. But when he flirted with me, I flirted back.

It just felt so good and validating to have a hot guy my age show interest in me in person. I loved Liam and still do, but in eleventh grade, I was at my weakest point, missing him more than ever and so touch starved that I had dreams of us cuddling and woke up crying.

The worst part is, I could have loved Cole. I know I could have. If Liam hadn't been in my life, I undoubtedly would've fallen head over heels for him and the light dancing in his blue eyes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with Cole - he's attractive, funny, and one of the kindest jocks I've ever met.

But Liam _is_ in my life, because that's how things happened to turn out in this universe, and I knew I had to put an end to the temptation before it grew too strong for me to resist.

So I pulled him aside in the hall after class, while everyone else was heading to lunch.

He raised his eyebrow and leaned against the wall, which made what I was about to do even harder.

"Look ... I need to talk to you," I said.

Cole grinned hesitantly. "Funny, I could kinda say the same thing."

I opened my mouth, but he spoke first. "Just hear me out, okay?" He sighed. "I like you, Selina. And unless I'm a complete idiot, I'm pretty sure you like me, too."

I stared at him helplessly, feeling like a horrible person. Because I did like Cole. He was an awesome guy, and he was incredibly good looking, and given time, those feelings could've grown into something more. But in that very moment, I didn't love him, because that spot was reserved for another.

His face softened as he looked at me, seeming to pick up on this. "Who is he?" he asked gently.

"W-What?"

"The guy you're in love with," Cole murmured. "Who is he?"

I struggled to find words for a few seconds. "Cole, I - I'm sorry - I never wanted to - "

"It's okay," he interrupted, and his smile was sad but firm. "Believe it or not, you're not the only girl in the world," he joked.

He briefly touched his fingers to my shoulder, and it felt like a goodbye. I was getting really tired of those. "Be happy, Selina," he said, his voice sincere. "I'll find a way to be, too." Then his hand dropped away and he headed down the hall, rounding the corner to go to the cafeteria and disappearing from view.

Cole will forever be my biggest "what if." Maybe in another life, we would've been together and lived happily ever after. I'll never know.

I don't know how to describe it to you, this feeling that I get when I think about him. It's not love or anything, it's just ... It's like, I recognize that had circumstances been slightly different, I would've fallen for him, and the absence of those special circumstances leaves something to be desired. I almost wish I could live in that alternate possibility for a day, just to see what it's like.

As it is, we only get one shot, and mine is with Liam, so I am happy with that. But I'll always wonder "what if."

*****

Despite our lack of dates (or, lack of a physically present date, in my case), Dara and I still went to prom, and we had a blast. A few days later, my parents and I packed up and headed to the beach house.

Seeing Liam again was awesome. After all, he'd been right - we made it, and I was proud of us. I didn't tell him about Cole, because I didn't want to cause unnecessary problems.

We embraced in the entryway, my hand leaving my suitcase handle in favor of wrapping my arms around his waist. "Long time no see," I mumbled into the crook of his neck.

"I missed you, too," he laughed.

Unpacking was pleasant; we stayed in our separate rooms so the process would go faster, then had a nice lunch with our families in the dining room.

"Want to head down to the beach?" he asked when we were done eating, arching an eyebrow. "We could bring the badminton set."

Our parents got us a badminton set to bring to the beach that summer. It came with four rackets, two birdies, and a portable net, wrapped up together in a long black duffel bag.

"Sure, sounds good," I smiled. "I'll go grab the bag."

I retrieved the bag from my parents' bedroom, then threw on my bikini and sandals and met Liam in the entryway. He was just wearing flip flops and swimming shorts, thus showing off his fit upper body, and had a towel thrown over his shoulder.

Not that I hadn't seen Liam shirtless before, that was just the first time I thought about what it meant. Because I looked at him, with his lean muscles and toned skin, and I realized I wanted to see more.

We trotted down to the beach together, our steps perfectly in sync. I was so happy to simply be in his presence again; nothing was more valuable to me.

When we got down to the sand, he laid out the towel on the upper beach and I set the bag down on top of it. I pulled the rackets out and handed one to Liam, then picked up the birdie.

"I'm gonna beat you," I grinned, twirling the racket the way Legolas twirls his sword in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. "Something tells me you're out of practice."

"Oh, is that what you think?" he teased, grabbing the net and setting it up with efficient speed. "I think I might just surprise you."

I situated myself comfortably on my side of the net, fully aware that my eyes were gleaming with competitive fire. "Surprise me, then."

I served first, and from there, we were lost in the game.

Some people think badminton is boring or a ripoff of tennis, but having sampled both sports (in P.E.), they are different, and badminton can get very intense.

Liam and I never get mean with each other, of course, but we do get playfully competitive. We don't bet on anything or have prizes for whoever wins, but we each like to be victorious. We're just like that, I guess.

It was a really good time, and we ended up going in the water for a bit as well. Eventually, we headed back up to the house and took turns showering.

I found myself craving cuddles a lot that summer, a need that he was more than willing to fulfill. Whether it was on the couch while we binge watched Stranger Things Season 3 (I cried at the end and that's all I'll say on the matter; watch it yourself) or in his room while we played games on his PS4, we cuddled a lot, and it was awesome.

We also kissed. Quite a bit, if I'm being honest. I'm not complaining, though, because if we're being _completely_ honest, Liam is a very good kisser.

There was this unspoken question between us, though, and because it was unspoken, it wasn't going to be answered any time soon - how far were we willing to go?

We'd never had a conversation regarding any of that. I think we both knew it'd be way too awkward, and we'd either nervously laugh it off or not be able to look at each other for a few days. Instead, we let it go unspoken that neither of us would do anything the other wasn't comfortable with.

I thought about it, of course, as any teenager does. He was my boyfriend, I was in love with him, and I saw us spending the rest of our life together.

As a side note, I personally don't have anything against sex before marriage; I think depending on the circumstances, it might not be the absolute _best_ decision, but I'm not about to shame anyone for it, and I don't think it's a sin or whatever.

Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. We should have just sucked it up and talked about it, because as cliche as it sounds, boundaries are important so that you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship.

Instead, we decided to dance around the topic in an effort to avoid any awkwardness. 

I'm laughing, to be honest, at how silly and immature we were about it. But you live and you learn, I guess.

We both had our Driver's Licenses at that point, so we were finally free to leave the house on our own without our parents.

In order to keep this privilege, we used it responsibly: we went to the park a lot (it's only about 20 minutes away), and stores on occasion, or we would park whichever car we were driving and just go for a nice walk around town.

It was a new freedom I wasn't used to, but one I welcomed with open arms. It allowed us to finally feel like a normal teen couple that went out on their own, not shadowed by their over protective, mildly disapproving parents.

Whether or not you fault me for this, I'm going to tell you anyway: Cole and I kept in touch over Instagram DMing, and he was surprisingly helpful when it came to giving advice.

**Ok I want to ask you for advice but I'm not sure if I should**

If you mean about guys, it's completely fine

I have my eye on a girl that volunteers with me

**Volunteering, huh? Sounds spicy**

You aren't the only girl in the world after all XD

But go ahead, ask away

**I feel like we both want to take it a step further, but neither of us is willing to be the first to say it**

**I know our parents would 100% disapprove, and I don't know how to tell if it's too soon**

**I mean we're only in 11th grade, we have plenty of time, right?**

Calm yo self

Ok first of all, are you guys dating?

**Yeah**

Ok so by "take it a step further" you mean ...

**Yeah ...**

Have you guys talked about it at all?

**No, that's the problem. We're both waaaaay too awkward**

Awkward about talking about your feelings, or awkward because of what you're talking about?

Because if you aren't ready to talk about it, maybe now isn't the right time to actually be doing it

**I ... Hmm. I'm in deep questioning now lmao**

I speak from personal experience when I say this: you are much more likely to regret rushing into something you're not ready for than you are to regret waiting until you're sure you're ready. So if you have to question whether or not you're ready, I'd say wait

**Since when did you get to be so wise?**

I just ... DID :p

His sage advice honestly probably prevented me from making a decision I would've regretted. I won't say 'mistake' because anything with Liam will never be a mistake, but there is a time and place for everything, and in 11th grade, I wasn't ready.

So Cole was right about the waiting bit. But it turns out I was getting ahead of myself when I said we had plenty of time.


	15. 12th Grade

Senior year.

A daunting idea. A challenge. A milestone. A mountain to climb. An item to check off a life list.

Graduating was always the end game, of course, but somehow, I never actually pictured myself making it through senior year. I don't know, something about it just seemed so impossible. How is one meant to leave a mark on the people and places around them when only given four years to do so?

I hit a record height of 5'11", which was kind of sort of awesome. I had hoped to reach 6' before the end of high school, but I was willing to settle for 5'11".

Dara was jokingly jealous of my height - she's around 5'6" or so, which is nothing to be ashamed of, but she was noticeably shorter than me when we walked next to each other in the hallways. This occasionally earned unnecessary comments from passersby, and though she usually laughed it off, I could tell that she sometimes got genuinely annoyed by it.

Still, she and I were both confident enough not to let some slight insecurities get in the way of our friendship; we stayed steady as senior year progressed. Not that that was hard - Cole and I didn't have any of the same classes (just lunch) - but I was still grateful that of all the people in the school, she was the one by my side.

We had a ton of sleepovers senior year, which pleased my parents (they were always urging me to be more social, to get out there and meet new people and make new friends). Even though Dara was a long-time friend, they much preferred me having her over during the school year rather than constantly talking to Liam online.

Many life discussions were had. We talked about what we wanted to major in in college, what we were looking forward to about, and what we wanted to do afterward. I was planning to go to the Cumming UNG (University of North Georgia) campus; I applied in the fall and got accepted, which my parents are really proud of.

I think I'd like to be a writer, if this is any indication. There are stories I want to tell, lives I want to touch. I feel like I could do a lot if I took my feelings and experiences and turned them into stories for other people to relate to. Maybe it could help some people feel less alone.

Jonathan and Emily broke up over the summer; apparently she took Liam's words to heart, and they'd slowly been growing apart since last year's Homecoming. She approached me on the first day of school to apologize.

I saw her coming, and I was worried she was going to say something nasty, but the look on her face wasn't a cruel one, so I waited by the start of the hallway till she caught up.

"Hey," she said. She seemed nervous; there was an uncertain waver in her voice, and she kept fidgeting with her fingers like the didn't know what to do with them. "I know we haven't talked in a while."

I shifted my gaze away. "It's fine. You were ... preoccupied."

She winced. "Actually ... Jonathan and I broke up."

That didn't come as a _huge_ surprise to me, but I decided to be delicate about it. "Oh," I said. "I'm sorry."

Emily shook her head. "Don't be. I'm the one who broke up with him." She sighed. "Look, after the way things ended between you two, I never should've dated him in the first place. He told me I had to pretend to hate you, and eventually, I managed to convince myself that those emotions were real."

"Yeah, he's pretty good at manipulation."

She pursed her lips. "What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. I don't expect us to be best friends again or anything, but it's senior year, and I don't want to leave things the way they've been. I hope that's okay with you." She then walked away, and after a moment where I stood in complete confusion, I shook myself and hurried to my next class.

When I brought it up at lunch with Dara and Cole, they both seemed skeptical. "I don't know, man," Cole said. "She's behaved pretty sketchily in the past. Why start being nice now?"

"My thoughts exactly," I replied. "But I want to at least give her a chance. If she turns out to still be a jerk, then I haven't really lost anything, and if she turns out to be genuinely reformed, then I have my friend back."

"Okay, fair enough," Dara sighed. "So long as I'm not expected to hop on the forgiveness train."

"Of course not. You're entitled to your own opinions, I just want to see what happens."

"Just let us know if she tries anything, okay?" Cole said. "We've got your back."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

As senior year wore on, she actually proved to be a decent human being. We didn't talk constantly or anything, but we chatted on occasion - when we ran into each other in the hallways, in math, and we sometimes texted (she let me start those conversations so as not to be intrusive).

I wish I could've met Liam under better circumstances

For what it's worth, he seems to really like you

**Is it that obvious lol**

It is

I'm glad you've got him and he has you

You guys deserve happiness

I won't say I was shocked by the outcome, because deep down, I'd been hoping she would be truly changed, but I was pleasantly surprised that my hopes turned out to be correct. I resolved to take it slow and give us time to rebuild our friendship - perhaps during college, if we were able to stay in touch, we would take it from there.

Homecoming was pretty awesome; since it was our last one, we went wild and danced our hearts out. Cole slow-danced with both Dara and I, and though the music was romantic, it was obvious that there were no such feelings between us any longer. He meant it when he said he had his eye on another girl, and I was glad that the whole thing didn't get in the way of our friendship.

Objectively, though, he looked pretty snazzy in his suit.

On another note, you'd be surprised how fast senior year goes by when you're asking it to slow down.

Don't get me wrong, I was ready to get out in the world and live my life and see what I could accomplish. But at the same time, I knew what life after high school meant for me and Liam.

Obviously, if he and I were attending colleges and getting jobs, we wouldn't be visiting the beach house every summer to see each other. And that meant going _real_ long distance, something I am incredibly skeptical of.

I know there are some people who really make long distance work. For some people, distance really does make the heart fonder, and they stay close despite not being in the same place.

But for me, I knew it was going to be difficult.

I'm a very physical person. I like affection (not crossing people's boundaries or anything, just affection that others are comfortable with) and cuddling and essentially showing people that I care about them. It's a huge emotional boost for me as well, which is why it's hard for me to go long periods of time without seeing Liam.

The issue with long distance out in the real world is that there aren't designated times where we're definitely going to see each other. It's up to us to make our schedules work, and if they don't, then that's just it - we don't get to see each other. And that's a little scary to me.

So while I was looking forward to some aspects of being an "adult," I was severely dreading others, and for that reason, I tried to dig in my heels and slow things down. Instead, time flew by, and it felt like water slipping through my fingers.

Before I knew it, finals were upon us, and so was the SAT. I didn't envy those who had to take AP exams on top of that; I elected to stick to Honors rather than give myself the extra stress, so I didn't have to worry about any of the other stuff.

Dara and I took the opportunity to study together in the library during lunch (you were allowed to eat as long as you sat at the tables instead of the bean bags or the couches). It was a pretty peaceful few days, if I'm being honest. Of course I was stressed, but between our study sessions and my overall decent knowledge of the subject matter, I managed to build some semblance of confidence before testing.

But enough talk of school! After finals was prom, and as promised, Liam flew down with Mrs. Mallen. I offered to go up to New York for his prom instead, but he declined, saying he'd much rather I not have to deal with his strange friends.

Naturally, I just had to go dress shopping with Dara. It was senior prom, after all; we had to go all out.

I don't mean to be egotistical, but my dress was gorgeous. The top was made of fiery red lace with a sweetheart neckline, while the skirt was comprised of tiered layers of red and gold fabric. It wasn't too poofy, of course, because I don't know how I would've managed that, but it was pretty nonetheless.

Dara decided to go for the black and white color scheme, and boy, did she pull it off - she wore a slim floor length dress with several bands of semi-see through mesh around her waist. The dress had a medium length slit at the side that showed off part of her leg, and the sleeves extended down her arm in black nylon material.

We picked Liam up from the airport the day before; my parents and Mrs. Mallen agreed that it would be easiest if he stayed with us while his mom stayed in a nearby hotel. That way, when prom came around, it would be easy for us to just pile into the car and go.

The only rule was that he was to sleep in the guest room, and we were not, under _any_ circumstances, to sneak into each other's rooms. I was tempted to disobey, but in the name of not endangering our prom night (and the fact that I felt much less confident about sneaking around my own house than the beach house), I decided to go with it, just this once.

Surprisingly, I managed to refrain from texting him all night. I knew we'd need our energy for the next day, so I think we said good night to each other around 10 or so. I expected it to take me a while to fall asleep, but I was out almost as soon as I settled in.

Dara came over the next morning, and the three of us hung out till it was time to get ready. She was thrilled to see Liam again - I guess me constantly talking about him built up that hype. We shared many a laugh and had a great time.

When it came time to get ready, Dara and I went to my room to put on our dresses while Liam went to the guest room to put on his suit. Once she and I were all dressed up, we moved into my bathroom to apply make up.

"Can you believe senior year is almost over?" she sighed, dabbing black eye shadow on the outer corner of her eye. "I mean, it went by so fast."

"It's hard to believe we're going to graduate in a few days," I admitted. "I don't feel anywhere near ready."

She gave me a knowing look. "It's because of Liam, isn't it?"

I grimaced. "Is it that obvious?"

"You know, I don't blame you," she said. "It's not going to be easy."

I fell silent, thoughts churning in my head as I drew the eyeliner applicator back and forth along my lash line. She wasn't wrong. Once we were out in the world, nothing was going to be easy.

Once we had our make up applied, we put on our shoes (I wore deep crimson heels), grabbed our purses, and headed out into the living room, where we met Liam. I thought he had a sad expression on his face, but it vanished as soon as we walked in. A grin spread across his features. "You both look amazing," he said, but his eyes were on me.

I don't think anyone has ever pulled a suit off better than Liam Mallen. The one he wore for prom was more form fitting than the one he wore for Homecoming the year before, and it mildly took my breath away.

I didn't let it show, though. My mom handed me the boutonniere that she'd gotten for me, and I stepped close to Liam, carefully pinning it to his lapel. In turn, he tied a corsage around my wrist, his fingers soft and gentle.

"Us adults are going out for the night," my mom told me. "We'll probably still be out when you get home. Is that okay?"

I was surprised, but I nodded. "Yeah. We can take care of ourselves."

She smiled, then gave me a knowing look. "Behave yourselves, okay?"

I blushed furiously, but I'm pretty sure it was hidden by my make up (thank God). Instead of attempting to reply, I turned to Liam and Dara and raised one eyebrow. "Ready to go?"

We took my mom's car; Liam drove with Dara and I in the back seats. We chatted the whole way there, and the closer we got, the more excited I got.

Prom was held at the Chattahoochee Country Club, a venue a little over a half hour away. Liam parked the car close to the doors, and we got out, heading in together.

The inside of the venue was beautiful. It was definitely a rich people place; the carpets were lavish, the furniture was exquisitely carved, and there was gold stuff everywhere. I don't know if it was actual gold, but it's the flashiness that counted.

"Whoa," I breathed, looking around us in awe. "This place is awesome!"

"I've never been anywhere nearly this fancy," Dara said, her eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, neither have I," Liam agreed. "They really went all out for this, huh?"

We were there a little bit early, so we hung out in the lobby area for a bit. The couches were sublimely comfortable; they were so plush that I sunk down a few inches as soon as I took a seat.

At last, though, the doors opened, and we all got to our feet to make our way into the actual prom space.

It was like a ballroom. There were two areas on either side with tables already set to dine, and in the middle was a large wooden dance floor. There were candles everywhere, and on the far side of the room was the DJ's stand.

To say we had a great time would be an understatement. We ate delicious food, drank so many glasses of lemonade I lost count, and danced our hearts out.

Cole met up with us a half hour after the whole thing started; he waltzed in all regal like, wearing an outfit that reminded me a lot of Kaz Brekker from Six of Crows (a sleeveless black vest, a long sleeved white dress shirt, and black pants, along with a red bow tie).

When he made it to where we were dancing, I grinned, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "Look who got all fancy shmancy!" I exclaimed. "Looking snazzy, Westgate."

He did a little spin, and I laughed. "You don't look so bad yourself," he replied.

I turned to Liam to introduce them to each other, but I found him looking between me and Cole with something like suspicion in his eyes. I inwardly sighed, knowing I'd have to explain later that Cole and I were just friends.

"Liam, this is Cole," I said. "Cole, this is Liam, my boyfriend."

It was odd to introduce him like that - after all, I'd never really had to introduce Liam to anyone before (aside from Dara, who already knew who he was to me) - but Cole grinned and shot me a knowing look before holding out his hand. "You're the lucky guy, then," he said in a friendly tone. "Cole. Nice to meet you."

After a moment of uncharacteristic hesitation, Liam took his hand and gave it a firm shake. "Liam. Nice to meet you."

Once the handshake was over, Cole elbowed me. "I understand everything now." He thrust his arms outward dramatically. "It has all become clear!"

"Oh my God, you're ridiculous," Dara snorted. "It's _been_ clear, you're just oblivious."

"Am _not_."

At that moment, Emily decided to approach. She did so meekly, her shoulders hunched, and we all fell silent.

She looked gorgeous, but that was beside the point. Cole's expression shuttered, and he casually stepped in front of me and Dara, making Liam scowl.

"Look, I'm not here for any trouble," Emily said. "I ... " She cleared her throat and directed her gaze to Liam. "You're Liam, right?"

He studied her, and I saw recognition spark in his eyes. "Yeah," he said apprehensively. "You're Emily."

She pursed her lips, seeming to question her own courage, but I guess she decided that it was too late to turn back. "I wanted to apologize for last year," she said. "I'm not proud of who I was, but I'm making an effort to improve."

Liam looked understandably skeptical, and she dipped her head in acceptance of this. "It's okay if you don't believe me. I just had to say it in person." She smiled, and though it was sad, it was encouragingly genuine. "I hope you guys have a good night." She turned and vanished into the crowd.

"Way to ruin the mood," Cole sighed, turning to Dara and I. "You guys okay?"

"Yeah," Liam said, stepping towards me and laying his hands on my arm in an unusually heartfelt manner. "Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah," I said, giving him a strange look, bringing my hand up to brush my hair back so he had to drop his hands. "I'm fine."

He gave me a wounded look, and I made a mental note to talk to him later. But a slow dance song came on, and he fixed his face in a neutral expression as we arranged ourselves in the correct position. His hand settled above my hip, but it was a ghost of a touch, like he was afraid I might break.

I couldn't focus on the lyrics or the instrumentals or Dara nearby. I was dizzy with him - his warmth, his scent, his beautiful hazel eyes. Nothing is perfect, but he was pretty damn close.

Something was cracking in those hazel eyes, though, and I didn't know why. As we swayed and turned, I felt like he was breaking a little bit more with each step.

As soon as I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, the next song was starting, and Cole was there, a chivalrous grin on his face. "May I cut in?" he asked.

Liam's face grew stormy, and he looked like he was about to snap, but I said, "We'll talk at home, okay?" I didn't know what was going on with him, but I didn't want it to explode in the middle of everyone else.

He looked torn between being angry and sad, but eventually settled on turning and melding into the crowd. I stared after him for a moment, before Cole took my hand and guided it to his shoulder. Shaking myself, I clasped my hand with his.

"He's jealous, you know," Cole murmured, tentatively bringing his hand to my waist.

"Why?" I asked. "There's nothing going on between you and I."

Cole chuckled. "Right, but he doesn't know that. To anyone who hasn't seen us interact, our behavior towards each other could come off as romantic."

I thought about it, and in that moment, I realized just how much he and I tended to joke around and be sarcastic with each other. To an outsider, I suppose it could be perceived as romantic affection.

"It's gonna be a long conversation when we get back to the house," I sighed.

"Oh, so he's staying with you?" Cole said, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows.

"No, it's not ... It's not like that." I pursed my lips. "I ... I don't know if I'm even ready for that."

Cole nodded, growing serious. "That's completely understandable." He led me into a slow twirl. "You'll let me know if he tries anything, right?"

"Liam's not like that," I promised. "But yes, I would tell you."

The song came to an end, and he stepped away from me with a low bow. "I think prom's almost over," he said. "You guys should go."

I nodded. "Thanks, Cole," I smiled. "You have no idea how much I appreciate it."

Dara's mom came to pick her up, which meant that Liam and I were driving home on our own. He stayed silent the whole way there, and it made me nervous. I didn't know if I should try to say something or not, and ultimately, I decided to wait till we got back home.

He parked the car in the driveway, and we got out. As predicted, my parents were still gone, so the house was dark save for the porch lights. We made our way inside, and I closed the door and locked it behind us.

As soon as I turned back around, Liam was there, pressing his lips to mine. I fell back against the wall in shock, but quickly kissed him back.

It wasn't normal, though, and I quickly picked up on that. It was a searing kiss of desperation, and while it made my stomach do all sorts of flips, it also confused me greatly.

After a few moments, he forcefully jerked himself away, thrusting his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry," he said sadly. "I just wanted to kiss you one last time."

"One last time?" I exclaimed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He turned back to me, his expression stormy. "I know you're breaking up with me."

I raised my eyebrows. "I am?"

He seemed to falter, but then he forged onward. "I overheard you and Dara in the bathroom before we went to prom," he said. "You're with Cole, aren't you?"

I stared at him in disbelief for a moment, then took his face in my hands and kissed him, sweet and slow. He seemed caught off guard, but I pulled away before he had a chance to respond. "No, I am not with Cole," I said. "Never have been, never will be."

Liam frowned in confusion. "Then what ... ?"

"Dara and I were just saying that our relationship after high school is going to be difficult," I explained. "I'm not breaking up with you, I promise. And Cole and I are just really good friends," I added.

It was his turn to stare, followed by a quick shake of his head. "Wow. I'm a major idiot."

"You're not an idiot," I said. "There was just a bit of miscommunication."

We settled down on the couch to watch some TV, the nonexistent conflict resolved. I started absentmindedly stroking his hair, and he made a noise in his throat that I took as a sign of encouragement. Maybe I wasn't the only one who liked a lot of affection.

So it was a relaxing end to a rocky night. All in all worth it. There's no point in dwelling on the other possibilities.

They flew back the next morning, since he had to get ready for his own prom back in New York, but I took comfort in the fact that it wouldn't be long before I got to see him again.

Honors night came around on Monday, to which Dara, Cole, and I were all invited. Dara was announced the valedictorian, to approximately no one's surprise, while I was the choice student for the 12th grade social studies department and Cole was chosen as best player by his soccer coach. It was overall a nice time for us to hang out and spend more time with each other.

After all, graduation was just around the corner. On the last day of school, we screamed in celebration and charged out of the school like a pride of lions, waving our arms in the air like we didn't have a care in the world.

Because we didn't. We were free.

That Saturday, we donned our caps and gowns and gathered in the convocation center for our ceremony. Dara gave a beautiful speech, much better than any I ever could've given.

She walked up to the podium with a nervous, fidgety energy about her, but as soon as she started talking, her back straightened and she became the strong, confident girl I've come to know and love.

"We've been on this journey for a while now," she started. "People have come and gone, but if you're sitting here today, it means you've made it to the end, and you should be proud of that.

"High school, isn't easy. Teenage issues seem to be dismissed a lot, but let's be honest, these past four years have been hard on all of us. Whether you struggled with grades, sports, family life, and anything in between, it’s been tough, and no one can discredit us by saying otherwise.

"We've made it through, though, and that's proof that you can do anything. You can overcome any obstacle, survive any hardship, and achieve any goal if you have the right people by your side. And I might not know many of you guys personally, but I do know that I couldn't have asked for a better senior class.

"I remember when we were freshmen. I know you do, too, even if you don't want to. We were short, lost, afraid of the seniors, and struggling to find our classes. We had never been to a Homecoming before, and we all freaked out when Baby Shark came over the speakers. Football games suddenly had a new meaning to us because for once, we were winning. The cafeteria food wasn’t bad in comparison to middle school - yeah, you know what I mean.

“We had no idea what was ahead of us, and making it to the end of high school seemed like an impossible feat. We didn’t know what we wanted to eat for dinner, much less what we wanted to major in for college or even what college we wanted to go to. Four years felt like an impossibly long time.

“But then we started growing. We started figuring out the layout of the school. We grew accustomed to the DJ’s eccentric music choices. We got our Learner’s Permits and then our Driver’s Licenses, and I’ll tell you a little secret: no one cared what kind of car you had but you. That kind of thing was important to us, though, because it showed that we could choose things in our lives, as opposed to having them chosen for us.

“Now we're seniors, and we’re about to graduate. We attended our last prom a week ago, and we danced our hearts out. A lot of us are heading off to college soon, and after that, who knows where all of you will go? We’ve had sleepovers and after parties and bonfires, and they’ve only ever brought us closer together. We’re almost adults, and we can't believe how awkward we used to be, and I think that's a testament of the change we've endured that has brought us here today.

“Not all of us will go on to have a life of success, and although that’s a harsh thing to say, it is reality. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s about being the wealthiest businessman or having the most expensive car or living in a three story mansion. It’s about the lives you’ve touched every day of your life until this point, and it’s about the lives that you will continue to touch as you go about your own. No matter how much money you have or how well you’re doing in your chosen career, I hope you never forget the time we’ve had here together or the things we’ve been through that make us who we are. I hope you always strive to add love and goodness to this world, because it really needs it.

“Above all, I hope you never forget the little things. I hope you help the old lady in the Walmart parking lot with her groceries. I hope you help up the little boy who fell off his bike and scraped his knee. I hope you always tip well, regardless of your personal beliefs or biases. I hope you talk to your new coworker who looks nervous on their first day and offer to eat lunch with them. I hope you remember all of these opportunities you have to affect the lives of others in a positive way. Because if people remember you with fondness and a smile on their face, whether or not you remember them, you have lived a good life, even if it has been a simple one.

"I know it's a pretty cliche, overused quote, but this time, the journey really has been more important than the destination. Here's to our next journey, and the one after that, and wherever we end up, I hope we never forget where we started, how far we've come, and all of the places we have yet to go. Thank you."

Wild cheers arose from the crowd, and they were deafening, but I joined in anyway, whooping and clapping as loudly as I could. Dara gave a little embarrassed, endearingly humbled smile and made her way back to her seat next to me.

(No, I do not remember all of that word for word. I texted Dara and she sent me screenshots of her final draft)

"That was amazing!" I exclaimed when she sat back down. " _You_ were amazing!"

"Really?" she asked, ducking her head. "It's a bit shorter than the traditional valedictorian speech, so I wasn't sure - "

"Oh my God, accept the compliment!" Cole laughed. She rolled her eyes at him, but her smile widened.

After that, Pomp and Circumstance came on over the speakers. We received our diplomas, and it was surreal. When my name was called, I headed up the steps, praying I wouldn't trip. I didn't, luckily, and Principal Marshall handed me my diploma, moved my tassel to the left side of my cap, and gave my hand a firm shake. "Congratulations," he said with a warm smile.

As I left the stage, I could hardly believe it. It was done. I held in my hands proof that I had graduated, and I was about to walk away from everything I had ever known.

Afterwards, Dara, Cole, and I stood in the lobby for a final, bittersweet goodbye. We leaned forward in a group hug, and though I almost stabbed Dara in the eye with my nose and Cole's hair was tickling my ear, I didn't want to let go.

I wish I was stronger, but the tears started coming. Luckily, it was only a few, but that got Dara started too, and she hastily wiped them away. Cole rolled his eyes at us, but his gaze was a bit misty as well.

"I'm gonna miss you guys so much," I said shakily, swiping my hand across my cheek. "Take care of yourselves, okay?"

"God, you say that like we're never going to see you again," Cole muttered, poking my arm. "Don't think you can escape from me that easily."

"Yeah," Dara piped up, grinning. "We'll be pestering you all summer long, just you wait."

That helped me laugh through the tears, but I still found it impossible to say goodbye. So I didn't.

We walked to our separate cars, unanimous in the decision that "goodbye" was unnecessary. Instead, we parted with an unspoken "see you later," because our story was not going to end that easily. It would take a force much stronger than distance or time apart to close the book we'd written.

*****

**We graduated :)**

OH MY GOD WE GRADUATED

**AHHHHHHHH**

I KNOWWWWW

**I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUUUUUU**

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU TOOOOOOO

We need help

**Well duh**

*****

On the car ride to the beach house this summer, I had immense butterflies in my stomach. It had, of course, only been just over a week since I'd last seen Liam, but this is going to be our last summer. I wanted to make it count, I just wasn't sure how I was going to do that.

When I saw him, I hurtled straight into his arms. "Oh my God, we're graduates!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to _college_!"

"I know, right?!" he grinned. He got into Syracuse University on full scholarship because of soccer, and honestly, I'm really happy for him.

We headed down to the beach right after we unpacked, wading out further than ever before. He's a little over 6' and I'm a little over 5'11", so we're able to go out pretty far. It's one of the nice parts about being tall (one of the few nice parts).

This summer, it was back to the basics. Early morning walks on the beach, scooping up seashells, stargazing in the backyard ... I'm glad for it, because it allowed me to settle down and be grateful for the daily peace of the world, and the little things that you can chase that will always mean more than anything else.

I say that because in all honesty, nothing significant happened till my birthday. For every day before that, we took things slow, allowing time to pass by in a sweet crawl as we cherished every second we had together.

Then, on my birthday, things changed.

Looking back on it, the air between us had been charged all day. Little glances, subtle touches, and other stuff like that. So when he texted me at 10 P.M. telling me to meet him in the crawlspace, I shouldn't have been surprised.

Still, when I crawled in and saw the fairy lights, the candles on the table, and the plush comforter he'd laid out, I was surprised. As it was, he barely gave me enough time to tug the couch into place and close the crawlspace door before he was kissing me, and I was more than happy to oblige.

"What's all this for?" I asked when we paused to take a breath, glancing around with admiration. It wasn't much, of course, but that space will always be our own, more special than anyone else will ever understand.

"I just ... " He sighed happily. "I know we haven't been great when it comes to talking about stuff like this, but I love you, and I think that if you're ready and you feel comfortable with this, then I'd like to show you."

I smiled, reaching up to cup the side of his face with my hand. He leaned into my touch, closing his eyes in contentedness. "Liam," I said softly. "I love you, too. And if you're ready and you're okay with this, then ... I am, too."

I was barely done speaking when he leaned forward and kissed me again, and all I knew was that everything was right in the world.

I'll spare you the details, obviously, but I will tell you how I felt.

First of all, let's get the magical way they portray your first time in movies/on TV out of the way. It isn't like that, and it shouldn't be. You shouldn't somehow just know what you're doing, and that's completely fine, because you're figuring it out together.

In other words, it shouldn't be perfect in a sense, but it should feel right, and it will if you're with the right person. I can easily say that Liam was the right person for me.

It's okay if it's awkward. Being able to laugh through the awkwardness is part of how you know you're with the right person, because you should never feel embarrassed with someone if you love them and you're confident in their love for you.

He was gentle, sweet, and incredibly considerate. He made sure I was comfortable every step of the way, and for that, I will never be able to thank him enough.

It's true what they say about afterglow. When we relaxed on the comforter, content with a brief moment of silence, I let my eyes rove over his face and realized he was as I had never seen him before. Maybe it was some formula-like combination of his tousled hair, warm eyes, and soft smile, but I've never seen him happier.

"I want to draw you," I said suddenly.

He raised one eyebrow and smirked. "Are we talking a head shot or full body?"

"Upper body," I replied in full seriousness, sitting up and reaching for my clothes. "Oh my God, it's perfect."

"Where has this sudden burst of inspiration come from?" he asked, sounding amused and a little bit intrigued.

I turned my head to look over my shoulder as I pulled on my bra and shirt. "Don't you remember?" I asked with a small smile. "I promised to draw you some day, but we never really got around to it."

I saw it on his face, the moment he realized what I was talking about. "That was a while ago," he recalled, sounding surprised that I remembered. "What, fourth grade? Fifth grade?"

"Fifth, I think," I said. "I have a good memory."

I hastily threw on the rest of my clothes, then opened the table drawer and retrieved the sketchbook I kept there. I had to sweep a layer of dust off of the cover, but when I opened it up, the pages looked as good as new.

After I retrieved a pencil and eraser from the drawer as well, I leaned against the wall and started to sketch.

At first, Liam messed with me a little, shifting the position of his hand ever so slightly so I didn't notice until I went to fix some lines and I had to (gently but firmly) tell him to get back into his original position. After a while, though, I could tell he was getting into the idea of being drawn - he warned me whenever he was about to yawn or scratch his nose, and he did his best to recreate his former pose each time he broke it.

"Okay, I have the basic sketch down," I said, setting down my pencil. "I can clean it up later."

"Alright, sounds good." He stretched, stifling another yawn. "I hate to say this, but we should probably get back to our rooms now."

I searched for my phone for a moment before I realized it was in my back pocket. I checked the time - I think it was 11:30 or something like that. The sketch had taken a good amount of time, but I wasn't quite ready to leave him yet.

"How about this," I proposed. "We sleep here tonight, but we wake up a little early so we can go back to our rooms. If for some reason, we get caught, we can say we wanted to watch some early morning TV in the sitting room so we wouldn't wake anyone else up."

Liam grinned. " _Some_ one knows how to be sneaky. But yes, that sounds like a good plan."

So after he got dressed (so as to spare him the embarrassment of me noticing any awkward situations the next morning) and I set my phone alarm for 7 A.M., we settled in under a couple of blankets and fell asleep. Right before I slipped away into a dreamless sleep, I heard him murmur, "Happy birthday, Lina."

*****

We did not get caught.

In fact, I woke up feeling energized. I hate to fall under the cliche umbrella, but what happened between Liam and I really did change everything. I felt happy, hopeful, and more in love with him than ever.

There was a voice in the back of my mind, though, that told me it wouldn't last. That the summer would soon be over and then nothing would be this easy ever again.

I found a quote that describes that feeling quite well. It's from a book called Breakfast Served Anytime, written by Sarah Combs:

"I had watched the sun blaze and in the blink of an eye slip away; the happiness I felt in that moment was a heartbeat from tipping to sadness at the knowledge that I couldn't hold it forever."

I just thought it was fitting.

Still, that voice was quiet enough that I managed to ignore it. We had a nice breakfast, then headed down to the beach to hang out by the sand.

After that, though, I was still feeling pretty energized, so I suggested we go to the park for a while and maybe jog around. Our parents didn't want to go, so it was just me and Liam, which I was more than okay with.

We climbed into the car, with Liam in the driver's seat and me in the passenger's seat. I smiled at him as we got going, pulling out of the driveway and onto the main road.

The surrounding area isn't super scenic. There are a fair amount of trees, but the roads take away from a lot of the nature vibe, as with anywhere else.

"What route do you want to take?" he asked. "There's the one that goes through the trees and the one that follows the river for a little bit."

"Hmm," I mused. "I mean, I know I'm feeling super awake and all, but are we really up for the river trail? It has some pretty demanding rocks."

"This was your idea," Liam laughed. "Don't tell me you're not up for - " His face morphed into a mask of fear. "Oh my - "

The car smashed into my door, ramming into us at at least 60 miles per hour. I heard myself scream as we were shoved violently off of the road, flipping over for what felt like an eternity.

I felt my knee crunch and then snap, and I screamed louder, the pain consuming my existence. My thigh was stinging and my arm was under an uncomfortable amount of pressure but none of it was really registering in comparison to the searing pain in my leg.

Metal was screeching and there was the acrid scent of smoke in the air, and Liam was screaming something incoherent as we hit something far too fast. At that moment, the air bags decided to deploy at full speed. My head slammed backwards into my headrest and everything went black.

I woke to the steady beep of a heart rate monitor. I blinked a few times to clear my vision, watching the graph rise and fall for a few seconds before I realized I wasn't alone in the room.

Liam was sitting in the armchair beside my bed, his head lolling slightly to the side like he wasn't quite asleep yet. His face was scratched up and there was a cast on his arm, but he was alive, and that made relief blossom in my chest.

"Liam?" I said hoarsely, my throat scratchy and dry. He was instantly wide awake, leaning over me to make sure I was okay.

"Oh my God," he breathed out, his whole body shuddering with relief. "Oh my God, Lina, you're okay."

I licked my lips and found that they were also very dry. "What happened?" I croaked.

His face grew shadowed, and a venomous look entered his eyes. "Some asshole ran a red light and rammed into us from the side," he said darkly. "We ran off the road and flipped into a ditch."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Who was it?"

Liam shook his head. "That's the thing. They took off as soon as they called 911. No one has any idea."

"So ... It was a hit and run?"

"Pretty much," he nodded. "I just ... " He lowered his head to rest lightly on my stomach, looking so close to broken. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"How long have I been out?"

"Almost the entire day," he sighed. "It's 8 o'clock at night right now."

He shook his head, remembering something. "Our parents are waiting in the lobby. I'm going to go get them, okay?"

"Okay," I mumbled.

Getting up from his seat, he left the room. A few minutes later, he came back, our parents and a doctor in tow.

"Oh, my baby," my mom cried, rushing towards me. She cupped my face in her hands like she couldn't quite believe I was real. "Oh, you're okay. We were so worried!"

My dad came up to stand beside her, smiling down at me. "I knew you'd make it, kiddo."

After I smiled at them reassuringly, my gaze shifted to the doctor. She gave me a friendly smile, and I said, "So how bad is it? I mean, if I'm in a hospital bed and Liam's not, what happened to me that didn't happen to him?"

Liam winced at my wording, but the doctor only nodded in understanding, coming to stand at the foot of my bed. "Well, your arm was dislocated," she said. "We fixed that one in your sleep, though, lucky for you." She glanced at her clipboard. "Your thigh was cut by a loosened piece of metal, but we got some stitches on that."

Her expression turned grim. "It's your knee that's the problem."

I distinctly remembered the searing pain, and I winced at the memory. "What exactly happened?"

"It appears two parts of the car crumpled at once, and your knee was caught directly beneath their joining points," she explained. "It's not too common, but ... Well, the fracture isn't clean. The bone was just about shattered, and a lot of those pieces got stuck in the surrounding muscle tissue. You'll need surgery to clean up the area if you want a full recovery."

My mom looked ready to cry, but if surgery was what it was going to take, then I was willing to go through with it. So I steeled myself and told the nurse, "Okay. When?"

That was five days ago. Today, I sit in my hospital bed, like I have done each of these past five days, and write this, to you, in a plain black journal my mom found in the hospital gift shop.

Tomorrow is my operation; it took them forever to get all my medical records and necessary information, which my parents have not been pleased about, but there was nothing we could do but wait. And now, it's almost here.

It's supposed to be a low risk surgery, I know, but I've never been much of an optimist, so I'm assuming the worst.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the time I've gotten thus far. I've loved with all of my heart, and been loved in return, and in the end, I feel like that's what makes a life fulfilling.

But I have stories I want to tell, worlds I want to build, lives I want to touch. So if I don't get to do all that, then here is my story, the one I know better than any other. Here is the story of a boy and a girl who loved each other before they even knew what love meant, two people that didn't get as much time as they should have.

Liam - I wrote this for you, and if you're reading this, that means that the worst has come to pass - I bet the boy in this story doesn't even sound like you, does he? That's how it tends to be - when presented with ourselves from another's perspective, we can hardly recognize the person we are.

But he is you, and you are him. And I'm lucky enough to be the girl you've loved all these years, the girl that I hope you'll still carry in your heart no matter what happens tomorrow.

There's a lot of stupid stuff about the person you love being your sun. I don't think that's a good analogy. You only look at the sun when it's rising and when it's setting, and you shouldn't revolve around someone. You shouldn't only be able to tolerate the person you love when they're muted by clouds, and you should never feel like you're in an orbit you can't escape.

So Liam, thank you for being my ocean waves. Thank you for being my fresh air, my laughter, and the breeze that lifts my wings. Thank you for being the moon to my stars, because with you, I always shine brighter.

I love you for being all of those things, but most of all, I love you for being you. When I'm gone, please don't miss me too much. Because I love you, I want you to be happy, and I know that's a lot to ask, but you have to try. You have your whole life ahead of you, and wherever you end up, just know that I'm proud of you and I want you to have everything you've ever dreamed of.

Go to college. Make some friends, play soccer, go to parties. Meet cute girls, cannonball into the pool, and stay up late watching the next season of Stranger Things. Climb a mountain, go skydiving, attend a concert, adopt a dog. Get married, have kids, grow old with someone. Do all the things that I'll never get to do. I wish I could do them with you, but you should still have the chance to experience them with someone else.

Just know that in all of my eighteen years, I don't regret anything. I don't regret knowing you and loving you and being with you. I don't regret the choices I've made, because whether they've been good or bad, they've shaped my life in a way that led me into your arms. And that's something I wouldn't trade for anything, not even more time. Because a long life wouldn't mean anything if I never knew you and never loved you.

Maybe this is ridiculous. Maybe tomorrow, everything will go smoothly and I'll wake up and you'll hold me in your arms and we'll live happily ever after.

Personally, though, I try not to indulge in hoping for myself, so instead, I'll hope for you. I'll hope that you get to see the world and live a good life, even if I'm not in it. I have loved you, Liam, and you have loved me, and not even death will ever be able to take that away from us.

With love and hope,

Lina 🖤

P.S. Please don't kill Cole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this isn't the end. There are four more chapters left to go!


	16. In Light of It All

**Selina's POV**

Setting the journal down, I let out a long, triumphant sigh. My fingers are aching and there is a blister at the base of my index finger where the pen has been rubbing for the past five days, but I'm finally done. It's all been written. My story is spilled out over the pages, and it might not be perfect, but it is real.

Footsteps sound outside in the hall, and I hastily shove the journal under the covers. A split second later, Liam walks in with a box in his good hand, a tired but warm smile on his face.

"Hey," he says softly, settling into the armchair beside me. He offers the box to me. "We got you take out."

I smile gratefully at him, taking the box and popping the lid open. I sigh in appreciation as the smell of chicken and fried rice wafts upwards.

"I know, right?" he laughs. "It smells amazing."

I take the fork that's tied to the top of the box and eat, the flavors exploding in my mouth. I let out a happy hum. If this is, by some unlucky twist of fate, my second to last meal, then it's a delicious one.

"How are you doing?" Liam asks, leaning towards me. "I mean ... given everything."

I raise one eyebrow. "You mean given the fact that my surgery is tomorrow?"

He winces, but nods.

"I'm doing alright," I sigh. "Honestly, I'm hoping to just get it over with so I can hurry up and get out of this place."

"What, you don't like the hospital?" he grins. "But it's basically a five star hotel!"

I roll my eyes. "If I could kick you, I would."

The happy expression fades from his face, and I grimace. "Liam, it's going to be okay."

_If you think that, then why did you write the journal?_

"Yeah ... Yeah, I know," he mutters, threading his fingers through his hair. "But I can't help but worry anyway."

"Well you can worry tomorrow," I say. "For this evening and tonight, let's just spend time together, okay?"

He hesitates for a moment, then nods his assent. "Okay."

I shift myself to the other side of the bed, carefully moving the journal to my left hand and sticking it under the mattress when he's not looking. _Gotta remember to give it to my mom tomorrow morning_. 

Liam slides into the bed next to me and carefully takes his laptop from the side table. "What would you like to watch?"

Two hours later, we're mumbling drowsy things about the video we're watching, my head resting comfortably on his chest. His thumb draws small circles on the inside of my elbow, and I'm too tired to complain that it tickles.

I'm tired of a lot of things, actually. Being scared is among them.

Though I won't have to be scared for much longer.

Liam, seeming to read my thoughts, brings a hand up to gently stroke my hair. "It's going to be okay," he murmurs. "Tomorrow evening, we'll have a little feast in here, okay? Just the two of us."

"That sounds promising," I grin. "I look forward to it."

He's starting to convince me. There's a surprisingly warm hope in my heart, and I hope it pays off in the end. I want a future with Liam, and even if that future would be hard to achieve, I'm willing to try if it means even the slightest chance of that happily ever after.

Eventually, he's asked to leave, and he does, casting one last glance at me. "I'll see you in the morning," he promises, then vanishes into the hall.

I pull the blankets over myself, expecting rest to elude me, but I drift asleep almost as soon as I close my eyes.

*****

I wake to a gentle hand on my shoulder. I blink as my vision comes into focus, and I see Dr. Merinson leaning over me, a cordial smile on her face. "Good morning, Selina," she says. "It's going to be a busy day today, so I prepared you an especially good breakfast."

Licking my dry lips, I struggle into an upright position with protest from my aching body and spot the tray sitting on my bedside table. Blueberry waffles, strips of bacon, scrambled eggs, and a glass of orange juice. All of it looks freshly cooked, steam still rising from the food.

"Thanks," I say, forcing a smile. "They'll call me out in two hours, right?"

"Right," she confirms. "Take your time." She gives me a knowing look. "Also, there's someone waiting outside. Should I let him in?"

This time, my smile comes easily. "Yeah, you can let him in."

Dr. Merinson stands. "Come on in, Liam," she calls, exiting the room right as he enters.

His smile is dazzling, and it's even more special knowing it's just for me. "Morning," he greets me. He has an apple in his hand; he tosses it up and catches it, taking a big bite. "How are you doing?"

"Just woke up a few minutes ago," I mumble, grinning. "I probably look awful, huh?"

Liam's eyes soften. "That's impossible. You're always beautiful."

He's always saying adorable stuff like that, and usually it's just endearing and nothing more, but on this occasion, it makes me feel a bit better. I tell him as much, and he smiles. "I'm glad."

He keeps me company while I eat. As Dr. Merinson promised, the food is delicious. The waffles have just the right amount of blueberry, and the bacon is pleasingly crispy. Scrambled eggs aren't my favorite, but these are an exception, and orange juice ... Well, I haven't had orange juice in years, but this brings back memories, and they're definitely not unwelcome ones.

We don't really discuss any heavy subjects, but we make small talk about a variety of topics - our favorite books, Set it Off's upcoming tour, all the drama going on in the lives of people in each of our schools, and stuff like that. It helps to take my mind off of things, which I appreciate.

A quarter till 9, my mom comes in, Dr. Merinson trailing behind her at a respectful distance. My mom smiles at me, and though there is fear in her eyes and exhaustion in every bit of her body language, I can tell she isn't ready to give up hope just yet.

"Hey, sweetie," she says. "It's time to get you prepped."

Liam's grip on my hand tightens ever so slightly, and I squeeze back. "Okay," I say, straightening up as much as my weakened muscles will allow. "I'm ready."

Liam hops to the floor and helps me out of the bed, murmuring encouragements in my ear as he brings his shoulder up under my arm. That's when I see the gurney that Dr. Merinson has wheeled halfway into the room.

She notices me looking at it and gives me an apologetic smile. "Unfortunately, the surgery room is in another wing," she explains. "We figured it wouldn't be a good idea for you to try to walk all the way there."

I nod mechanically, but my eyes are fixed on the metal bars, the thin mattress, the restraining straps. It's like something out of a movie, except when it's real and it's meant for you, it's a lot more terrifying.

Liam places his hand on my cheek and I forcibly drag my gaze back to him. When I do, there are tears shimmering in his eyes. That terrifies me; I can't remember the last time I saw him cry.

"It's going to be okay," he says, and it's obvious how hard he's trying not to let his voice shake. "I'll see you in a few hours, okay?"

"Yeah," I reply weakly. "See you in a few hours."

As if trying to reassure himself of this fact, he leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to my lips. It's the barest of touches, like he still fears I might break, but I accept it, returning the kiss in an equally tentative manner.

Through it, I try to communicate hope, reassurance, and love. I try to tell him how much these eighteen years have meant to me, how much they will always mean to me. I try to promise him that everything will be alright, that I'll see him in a few hours and in a couple weeks, everything will be back to normal and we can get on with our lives out in the real world.

But he pulls away for the sake of not making it awkward, and it feels like the promise didn't have enough time to be made.

He helps me onto the gurney, and I try to adjust myself so I'm comfortable. It's not easy; the stitches in my thigh protest even the slightest movement, and my knee is ... Well, my knee is my knee.

Somehow, though, we manage.

As we exit the room, I make eye contact with my mom. She nods slightly, letting me know that she got my text telling her where the journal is. I let out a small sigh of relief, glad it is safe and will end up in the right hands if need be.

They follow us out, and as Dr. Merinson wheels me down the hallway, I twist around to look at Liam and my mom for as long as I can, until we round a corner and they are gone.

I can't get the image of his broken eyes out of my head.

This probably won't be the last time I see him, I know, but I'm nervous nonetheless. I hope it won't be one of those cases where I wake up during surgery but can't move. That's been one of my main fears over the past few days.

Dr. Merinson has assured me that it's a very rare occurrence and I'll likely be just fine, but my thoughts tend to wander in the middle of the night, when the lights can't chase the darkness away.

The halls are so white, something I dislike about hospitals. The cleanliness feels like a dishonesty about the things that go on within these walls.

When we enter the surgery room, there are three people inside, and they all stand as I am wheeled through the doorway - two women and a man, all dressed in scrubs and looking ready to get started. I notice that there is a window a little below eye level, looking out into a thick copse of trees.

Dr. Merinson helps me onto the edge of the surgery table, which is uncomfortably cold against my legs.

"Selina, meet Dr. Hallen, Dr. Smith, and Dr. Livira," she says by way of introduction. "They'll be performing your surgery today."

I nod, and she smiles. "They'll tell you everything you need to know. Good luck, okay? I'll see you in a few hours."

I understand the implications of her words. She's saying 'you _will_ make it through this.' I don't really know what I believe anymore.

She leaves, though, and I am left in the room with the three doctors.

"Selina, right?" Dr. Hallen says with a friendly smile. "It's nice to meet you."

"Uh, it's nice to meet you, too," I reply, hoping that's the right response. Judging by her pleased expression, it is.

"I'm sure you've heard the basics," Dr. Livira cuts in, brushing a stray lock of hair back into her cap. "We'll be going in and cleaning the area around the fracture so the bone can start the healing process. It's very low risk, and I assure you, we're some of the best."

I nod, but all I can think is that I wish Liam was here to support me. I know he'll be there when I wake up, because he'll likely refuse to leave the room, but now is when I need him most, and I hate that he can't be here.

"We're going to put you under general anesthesia," Dr. Smith adds. "It'll let you slide into an easy, painless sleep."

I nod again, and they seem to take this as a sign that I'm prepared. Dr. Livira asks me to lay down, so I do, the table material hard against my elbows. They bring a thin blue sheet of papery material and drape it over my body, a square hole cut out around my knee area.

At some corner of the room, I can hear them pulling on gloves, which makes my heart speed up.

They hook me up to some machines to monitor my vitals during the operation, then prepare the contraption that will put me under.

I lick my lips, trying to moisturize them. My fingers slide nervously against each other. I try not to breathe loudly or anything like that, but my heart is pounding so hard that I'm worried they'll hear it.

Eventually, I see Dr. Hallen above me, a mask in her hand. "Okay, Selina," she says, her soothing doctor voice activated. "I'm going to place this mask over your face, and I want you to take slow, deep breaths as I count down from ten. Does that sound okay?"

"Yes," I try to say, but it comes out wrong because of how dry my mouth is. I clear my throat. "Yes."

She smiles at me, then gradually lowers the mask down over my face.

The plastic settles on the bridge of my nose, sealing over my cheeks. I take a deep breath in, and it smells like something, but it's not like a normal smell.

"Ten."

I wish I hadn't insisted on going on a drive. All of this could've been prevented.

"Nine."

At least I wrote the journal. My hand still hurts like hell, but it's worth it.

"Eight."

Maybe in a few years, I'll show it to Liam anyway, and we'll have a good laugh about it.

"Seven."

Hey, maybe we'll even look back on it when we're old and remember the days of being young.

"Six."

I said good night to Cole and Dara yesterday, but ... I should've messaged them this morning. Just in case.

"Five."

I have to visibly tense my muscles to stop myself from shaking. Low risk or otherwise, surgery is surgery and I'm terrified.

"Four."

I meant what I wrote, though. I don't have any regrets about the choices I've made.

"Three."

Hey, at least I won't die a virgin! I think that's my mind's last desperate attempt to make a joke that isn't actually funny. Gotta love that.

"Two."

I can feel myself growing drowsy. In a final moment of desperation, my gaze flicks to the window, where a little cardinal sits, chirping almost sadly. The smallest of smiles curls at my lips - maybe all that is lost really does get found again.

"One."

The world slips away.


	17. In Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note: I'm updating in quick succession, so if you got the notification, make sure you read the previous chapter before reading this one.

**Selina's POV**

The darkness is surprisingly warm.

You usually associate darkness with cold, but I feel bright and fuzzy inside.

Am I waking up?

I can't tell.

I blink.

I'm floating.

Barely conscious.

Barely aware.

I'm tired, I can feel it in my bones.

But I'm also so, so awake.

I turn my head.

To one side is the way I came.

To the other is the unknown, an adventure waiting to happen.

I hear a male voice, echoing from somewhere far away.

_Come back to me._

_Come back to me._

_I love you._

A name comes to mind. _Liam._

I love him.

I can tell.

There is an ache in my heart at the thought of letting him go.

But the unknown calls.

And I think I have to answer.

I try to move my mouth to answer him.

But I can't.

I can only walk.

For a moment, I ponder returning the way I came, but as soon as I consider it, pain lances through my knee.

I drop, my hands curling into fists.

The way back is a path of pain and suffering.

Who is to say he wouldn't be suffering with me?

If I love him, that is something I can't do to him.

I consider all I have done in my life, and I realize that eighteen years is not much.

I should have gotten more.

 _We_ should have gotten more.

But we got what we got, and maybe that's the way it should be.

A good friend of mine once said that there will be many journeys in our lifetime, and we must take them one at a time. This one might be over, but there are many more to come.

So with the warm tingle of 'I love you' still stirring my lips,

I step

forward

into

the

next

journey.

_Goodbye is just a promise_  
_That everything since hello_  
_Has meant something_  
_That it will be missed_  
_That it will never be forgotten_  
_That one day_  
_There will be another hello_  
_That maybe that one_  
_Won't end in farewell_


	18. In the Aftermath

**Liam's POV**

I jolt awake for the third time, cursing myself for falling asleep once again. We've been in the waiting room for hours, but it feels like a betrayal to let myself rest when there hasn't been any news yet.

It took everything in me not to run after her when the doctor wheeled her away down the hall. She held my gaze all the way to the corner, and I felt a piece of my heart go with her when she disappeared.

Our parents are in the waiting room with me, which makes it better and worse all at once. Having a support system is nice and all, but the space around us is crackling with stress, and I'm starting to think I would rather be alone right now.

I shift into a new position, trying to clear the tired fog from my mind. My stomach is uncomfortably empty, but I can't bring myself to get up to get food. I'm afraid that if I leave, she'll be able to tell and it will affect her ... Or something. Either way, I don't want to risk it, no matter now superstitious it is.

I pull my phone out and play Solitaire to pass the time and give myself something to focus on. My eyes hurt with how hard I'm glaring at the screen, but I put up with it.

Then there's the sound of footsteps and I jolt to attention. I instantly shake the Roses awake, who in turn reach over and wake up my parents. The hope in all of our eyes is almost comical as Dr. Merinson enters the waiting room, her hands clasped in front of her.

"Is there any news?" Mrs. Rode asks anxiously.

Dr. Merinson's lips flatten into a thin line, and I immediately know that it isn't good. "There's been a complication," she says. "She has a severe infection that seems to have developed alarmingly fast. It's made its way into her bloodstream and is spreading."

My fingers tighten around the armrests of my chair, the corners of the wood pressing painfully into my palms.

"We're trying to treat it, but ... " Her fingers twitch, the first sign of distress she's shown thus far. "Well, to be honest, we haven't seen anything like this before. It could be moving too quickly for medicine to help."

_No._

Mr. Rose brings a trembling arm around Mrs. Rose's shoulder. "What does that mean?" he asks.

Dr. Merinson frowns. "Are you sure - "

"Tell me."

She takes a seat across from us. "Well, if the infection continues to spread, it will eventually affect her organ systems and could potentially shut them down. If her heart fails, then ... She won't make it."

Mrs. Rose lets out a small sob, and Mr. Rose stands, his arm still around her. "Alright, honey, let's get some coffee, okay?" he murmurs, leading her away down the hall.

"Can I see her?" I blurt out.

My mom gives me a look. "Liam - "

"I think that's a wonderful idea," Dr. Merinson interrupts, and I silently bless the woman for her intuition. "There's a chance she'll be able to hear you." She gives me an understanding look. "If you want, I'll take you to her."

I follow her down the hall, ignoring my parents' disapproving looks. My world feels like it's crumbling around me. I don't want this to be real, but somehow, it's so bad that I know it is.

We reach the room, and Dr. Merinson turns to me. "I'll be right outside," she says softly, then steps aside to let me enter.

I slowly make my way inside the door, unprepared for what I see.

She's splayed out on the hospital bed, her skin pale, and I can't help but think that she already looks gone. Her chest is barely rising with each shallow breath. Her eyelids are disturbingly still, lacking the fluttering movements that indicate dreams.

My breath catches in my chest, an ache spreading in my heart. I step closer, sinking to my knees beside the bed. The heart rate monitor beeps near my ear, a painful reminder of the fragile state she's in.

"Hey," I say shakily, curling my hands into fists to prevent myself from reaching out. "You gave us quite a scare."

She doesn't stir. I don't know why I expected her to. It's not like my words are going to magically cure her.

But I keep talking anyway.

"I feel like you got a pretty poor draw of luck," I sigh. "I mean ... Low risk surgery, right? None of us saw this coming. It's not right."

My eyes squeeze shut as I try to fight back the tears. Being sad will only make this worse, but I'm starting to realize that I don't have a lot of control.

"Please, Lina ... Come back to me. Come back to me. I love you."

For a moment, I think I see her lips twitch into a smile, and I lurch forward in preparation of comforting her when she wakes up.

Then the heart rate monitor flatlines and I realize that that is a fantasy that will never come to pass.

*****

I collapse onto my bed, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I've been crying for hours and I'm ... just ... empty.

I feel like I've gone through all five stages of grief in this afternoon. At first, I refused to believe she was gone. I'm still having a hard time believing that my best friend is no longer in this world, that I'll never hear her voice or her laugh and never feel her cuddled against me.

Then I threw a fit. I screamed and hollered and smashed the bathroom mirror, bloodying my knuckles, but I didn't care. Everything had gone downhill so quickly and I didn't know what to do, so I reacted in the worst way possible.

While bandaging my hand, I tried to convince myself that things would be okay, that I could move on, that I could make it through this. That's garbage, of course. Nothing makes this situation better.

This realization was followed by me flinging myself onto the ground and crying until I didn't have anything left to give.

And now, here I am, staring up at my ceiling, wondering where I'm supposed to go from here.

I've seen enough sadness in the lives of people around me to know that the world goes on, whether you like it or not. People find ways to cope with and eventually come to terms with their grief, and after that, things are supposed to get a bit better.

But in every time of sadness, there is always at least one person who finds themselves incapable of moving forward like everyone else. They watch life progress around them and realize how unfair it is, that someone they love is gone and things are maddeningly capable of continuing without them.

I've always thought of myself as that kind of person, and now, I guess that's confirmed.

I can't even imagine waking up in my college dorm and having an early morning coffee, taking a nice stroll through the campus before attending my first class. How am I supposed to do all that while knowing that it was something Selina and I were supposed to experience together?

Our relationship through college would've been long distance, of course, but Skype was a beautiful reality, and so was FaceTime. Plus, there were holidays to be considered, more time to spend together.

Correction: more time that _could have been_ spent together. Time that we should've gotten, but never will.

I feel the pulsing ache in my heart that usually marks the beginning of a cascade of tears, but I don't have any left to cry. I am utterly broken and my tear ducts have been strained more in just this day than they have been in my entire life. There's nothing to be done about it - I'm just so tired.

I can't imagine what the Rose family is feeling right now, but I'm not going to invalidate my own sadness. The startling truth is that I've known her just as long as they have, and even though they are the family she was born into - and that does mean everything - I am the family she chose, the love she believed in, and the future she was prepared to fight for. She was the exact same to me, and I know I had just as much of a place in her heart as her family did.

That's what makes this harder, I think. I might be able to quell some of my sadness if I thought I was second to her blood family, if I, in some way, meant less to her. If that were the case, I would be able to rationalize being less sad.

But she was never shy about how much she cared for me, even before we were certain about what exactly we felt for each other. Before our love was romantic, it was the platonic, wondrous love of two childhood friends who couldn't have been closer if they tried.

It's something I can't quite explain, this widening gap in my heart. I keep imagining that she's going to walk through the door any second and things will be back to normal, but I also know that that's not going to happen. It's strange, naively hoping for something that you know in your heart to be an impossibility.

I've always seen poetry as odd, but now, I have a strange urge to put my feelings on paper.

I know Lina wanted to be a writer. It wasn't something she discussed often, but when she did talk about it, she did so passionately.

Specifically, she wanted to tell a love story. She said it wasn't ours or our parent's or really anyone's in particular. She just wanted it to be a love story, one that didn't apply to any one audience. She wanted it to be a love story that could resonate with people, not because of _who_ it was about but because it was about love.

She wanted to tell a love story, but maybe it's my responsibility to tell a tragedy.

As I toy with the idea of sitting up and grabbing some scratch sheets of paper, there's a knock on my door. I jump, and after a brief moment of shock, I call, "Come in!"

The door opens, and Mrs. Rose steps forward hesitantly. I try to keep my expression neutral, but I think some of my surprise still shows through. It's odd enough seeing another person after hours in solitude, alone with my thoughts, but I didn't expect her to come.

Her cheeks are red, like she's aggressively swiped away her tears, but she looks better than I'm sure I do. Then again, outward appearances can be deceiving.

Still, when she speaks, her voice is steady - surprisingly so, actually.

"Liam, I ... " She seems to fish for something to say, but eventually decides not to try to make something good of the situation. Clearing her throat, she walks over to me. I realize there's a black, leather bound book in her hand.

"In the days leading up to her surgery, Selina wrote in this journal," she explains, slightly stumbling over her daughter's name. "She didn't tell me what she wrote, only that if anything were to happen to her, I should give it to you."

I stare at the journal. Lina wrote in this? That means it's one of the most recent things of hers. She might have had it as recent as yesterday, even ...

Mrs. Rose hands it to me, and the leather rubs pleasantly against my fingers. "I'm not going to make you do anything, because she wrote this for you, but ... " A sad smile crosses her face. "I'd like to read it ... Someday. If that's okay."

I nod in understanding. "Of course." How could I possibly deny her that? These might as well be her daughter's last real words to the world. She has a right - no, a need - to know what they are.

She leaves directly after, shutting the door behind her. I turn my lamp on, shut off the lights, and curl up under the blanket. Steeling myself, I draw the journal close to me. There's a sticky note on top that reads, _One last long letter._ Biting my lip, I open the journal. Two slips of paper fall out, and a choked laugh falls from my lips. One of them is the drawing she did of me, in its entire glory. It's beautiful, but what's even more beautiful is the other one. It's a drawing of her, and it's perfect. Setting them gently to the side, I swallow my tears start to read.

_The earth revolves around the sun_  
_It is a constant fact of life_  
_Sometimes we want things to stand still_  
_Sometimes we want things to speed up_  
_But the earth doesn't listen to us_  
_Because it doesn't have to_  
_Some days, I want to stop_  
_To close my eyes_  
_And remember the beauty that has been lost_  
_But I just keep revolving_


	19. In the End

It's weird to write in this. I feel like I'm ... I don't know, violating her space or something. Which is ridiculous, because she's dead.

Sorry, that sounds insensitive. I don't mean for it to be. It's just a fact of life. It's like saying "the earth revolves around the sun" or "you're reading this right now."

If you couldn't tell, this is Liam. My handwriting isn't what it used to be, so you'll have to forgive me. For perspective on why my handwriting is awful, it's been fifty years since handwriting really mattered.

You read that right. It's my 68th birthday, the 50th one I've spent without Selina.

It doesn't feel like much of a birthday, though, and the reason for that is that yesterday, I was told I show signs of Alzheimer's.

If you don't know what that is for some reason, it starts out small. You might forget where you put your car keys, even though they're hanging on the same hook that they've been hanging on for forty years. You might forget you had dinner and get up in the middle of the night to make food, even though you're not actually all that hungry.

But then it gets worse. You forget what day it is, what period of your life you're in. You forget that you're married, that you have a child. You forget your name, your identity, your life.

To be clear, I'm in the early car key stage. That's the only reason I feel comfortable writing this: because I realize it might be my last chance to get this down before I start forgetting more important things.

So here I am, Liam Mallen, the guy you just read about for a hundred plus pages. I'm not the fantastic guy I'm made out to be, but I was good enough for her, so I guess that's all that really matters.

And now here's the difficult part: telling you what my life has been like thus far. It's difficult because after reading so much about me and Selina, I don't want you to think badly of me - of yourself, actually, since technically I'm writing this for future me once I inevitably forget everything. But I guess it doesn't really matter what present me is afraid of. Future me is probably terrified, considering he doesn't even know who he is.

So all reservations aside, I guess I have some explaining to do.

The part about being married and having a kid - that's true. I married a beautiful woman named Brialla Tam, and I have loved her for 43 years. She's just in the other room, actually, looking up ways we might slow down the disease. That's one of the things that makes her incredible: she has this never ending determination, and once she has her mind made up, there's no stopping her.

We have a son together; his name is Jeremy Mallen, and I watched proudly for eighteen years as he grew up and fell in love. I saw a lot of myself in him, and I sometimes still do. He's 38 now with a family of his own, and his happiness means the world to me. I can't even fathom not remembering him and all that we gave to make sure he grew into a fine man.

Now you see what I mean, when I said I don't want you to think badly of me. "How could you move on?" you might be wondering. "Selina was the love of your life."

It is my firm belief that you have more than one love in your life, and that's just the truth. You give all of your heart to someone, and one way or another, it gets broken, shattered into a million pieces.

But eventually, when the time is right, someone comes along and picks up those pieces, putting your heart back together. And sometimes, if that person is the right person and you're lucky enough for them to be the right person, they can eventually mend the wounds of the past and outweigh the bittersweet memories with joyful ones.

Notice I didn't use the word "replace." Because you can't replace past memories, especially ones that shouldn't be forgotten in the first place. As cliche as it sounds, you do learn from your experiences, and love is an excellent example of that. You can't wash out the bittersweetness of said experiences, you can only tip the balance of happy and sad in your heart.

Brialla was that for me. She pulled me out of the depressive state that I kept myself in, and while it was a rude awakening, it was one I very much needed.

Trust me, that change didn't happen overnight. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide, "I'm over Selina! Guess I don't need to be sad anymore!" Nothing ridiculous like that.

Instead, it was like an hourglass, with happy and sad being the two sections. Gradually, day by day, I gained a little bit of happiness back into my life. My smile got a little wider, my laugh grew a little more genuine, and my heart slowly started to feel like healing was a possibility.

I can't describe to you how much I love Brialla for that. I don't know how much longer I could have gone on in the state I was in, and while I hate to imagine the alternate paths I might've taken, I know that none of them are pretty.

If by some chance, the person reading this isn't future me: I don't know if you need to hear this, but staying sad is not the answer.

Sometimes we deny ourselves happiness because we feel that we don't deserve it, that allowing ourselves to be happy would be disrespectful to the one(s) we've lost.

It took me an unfortunately long time to realize this, but here it is, whether you need to hear it or not: you do deserve to be happy. You deserve to wake up in the morning and feel more than bitterness towards your past, more than remorse at not being able to change what has happened.

Being happy - or at least, starting to attempt to be - is the least you can do for yourself and whoever it is you're missing. Yeah, they didn't get to live. _Lina_ didn't get to live. But here's the thing: we do. I, and _you_ , get to live. We get to breathe and run and smile and be happy and live our lives.

 _Not_ getting out there and being as happy as you can - that would be the greatest disrespect of all. It's our responsibility as the one still in this world to do what they can't, to see what they never will, to feel what they won't. Happiness is one of those feelings, and if you don't pursue it, you are losing your chance to live for them, to make them proud.

So live, instead of being bitter that they didn't.

I won't lie, there are days when I start thinking too much and I lock myself in the office and cry for all that has been lost. Brialla lets me have those days. She recognizes their importance and knows that my heart - the one she put back together - is with her, and that on every other day, I will be nothing but thankful for what I've gained.

But my phantom heart, the one that shattered fifty years ago, aches every now and then, and when it does, I let it have its way until it's satisfied.

All this to say, I suppose, that it does get easier. It will never be completely better - how could it be? - but it gets easier. And in the end, that slight improvement day by day becomes something to look forward to.

Anyway, as for the rest of my life, it's been fairly quiet. My published poetry, some of which I've attached, has gained a decent amount of attention, enough that I've written some poetry books that allow us to live comfortably.

My dad passed away thirty two years ago, but my mom is still alive - she's 96, which is insane. Brialla and I have plans to visit her sometime soon, before I get more forgetful.

Lina understandably wrote about my mom in a somewhat negative way. She wasn't the greatest to us back then - even I can admit that. Over the years, though, we put aside our differences and came to appreciate our bond as mother and son. She and I are on good terms now, and while I wish that could've happened sooner, I'm glad it happened at all.

The world is quite a bit different, of course. Technology exists in every aspect of life, though I'm sure you know that, since you're reading this. It's 2070 and I can hardly believe that so much time has passed, but I guess it has.

I won't talk about anything specific, like how Stranger Things ended or what version of the iPhone we're on right now, because I don't know when you're reading this and I don't want anything I write to be irrelevant.

I will say, though, that times have changed. Science has advanced, society has evolved, and life as a whole is pleasantly better. I can easily say that I prefer now to before. Had we grown up in this generation, things might have gone differently.

Cole and Dara got married and stayed in touch. Cole passed away seven years ago when their house burned down; Dara stayed with me and Brialla for a bit till she got back on her feet and was ready to look for houses.

I hadn't seen her in person for decades, so it was odd to see such a blatant reminder of the past sitting in my living room. I'm glad we could help her, though, and I think she knew that I of all people would be able to understand her grief. She died a year later from "natural causes," but I have an incredibly superstitious theory that she just couldn't stand being apart from Cole.

I honestly don't know if I would've preferred for Lina to see all this. Losing Cole would've been hard for her, but then again, I'm sure she would've wanted to be there for Dara afterward.

What I mean to say is, I don't know if I would've wanted her to see what I'm about to become - someone who doesn't even know his own name, where he was born. Who he has loved.

Because that's the truth. I'm going to forget Brialla and Jeremy and Dara and the Hartsmiths across the street and Darrell at checkout aisle 5 in Walmart (yeah, those are still around). But I'm going to forget Lina, too, and somehow, that's what I'm scared of the most.

She never really knew that many people. Her parents are gone, Cole is gone, Dara is gone ... I don't want to be the last person to forget her. She deserves to be remembered.

So I leave it to you, my reader. In not too long, my memory will deteriorate, and so will my mind. But this nondescript, leather bound journal, whose pages are yellowing and smell pleasantly old, will live on, our story forever contained within.

It's the story Lina wanted to write, and though she didn't think she was the best person to tell it, she was the only one who could at the time. I didn't have the whole picture back then, but that's what happens when you take things for granted.

I don't take the time we had for granted now. I'm more grateful for it than she'll ever know. So, dear friend, if you've read this far, I assume you're interested enough in our story to pass it on. Tell it to your friends, your children, your grandchildren, so Selina will never be forgotten.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, because I am. I am terrified of losing my mind piece by piece, but I think the inevitability of it all is the worst part. Because there's nothing I can do to change what's going to happen to me. Literally nothing.

Well, I guess I'd better go. Never forget what has been written, because it was written for a reason. I hope you find your own reason to write, sing, dance, draw, build, fix, cook, game, or whatever it is in life that calls to you. You never know how much time you have, so do everything in your power to chase what you're passionate about. It's never too early, but it could be too late before you know it.

That's all, I suppose. Remember me quietly.

Liam

_The moon wanted to see the bright morning light_  
_To say goodbye to the stars for a day and watch color bleed into the sky_  
_To no longer be trapped in the darkness_  
_But the sun disagreed_

_You were a billowing breeze_  
_A vivid sunset_  
_A cooling wave_  
_I used to fly and admire you from above_  
_But falling for you meant giving up my wings_

_It could have been_  
_But it wasn't_  
_You should've done_  
_But you didn't_  
_Things might have been different_  
_But they aren't_  
_However, it is what it is_  
_And it always will be_

**Epilogue**

In a place outside of time and space, outside of life, outside of the Earth and its physical constraints, something happened.

A boy, young once more, came across a girl with brown hair and sparkling eyes. He cried as he suddenly remembered her, but she just smiled and kissed away his tears, glad that they were together again. They held on to each other, and in the pale light of some faraway sun, they danced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe I wrote this in a month.
> 
> Thank you for reading all the way to the end of this book! I hope you enjoyed it, and I would love to hear what you think.
> 
> This is going to be part of a Selina and Liam series, but it'll be a different situation each time, and they won't be connected. I guess you could call this the original universe, and every other story will be an AU. So if you want, you can go check those out; I should have the next one out soon. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading! It really does mean a lot. Thanks for coming on this short but meaningful journey with me. I hope you enjoyed. Bai!


End file.
